Thoughts

Since I treat this blog as a family journal, I hope those don't mind if I share my thoughts over this devastating loss. Most of the time I have no words, that frightful night as I laid my precious boy to sleep did I know that it would be the last, I would have held him longer...kissed him a 1000 more kisses...rubbed his hairless head...and told him I loved him 100 more times. I feel like I am in a nightmare and just can't wake up. I want to go back and re-do that whole day...I have some guilt because I was potty training Adleigh that whole day, if I had just known, I would spent the whole day holding my sweet boy. What I wouldn't give to hear him laugh, or see him suck on his hands or look at me like I am just crazy because I talk in my baby voice. They say that you can't go over the "What if's" but how can you not? Everyone always gives me a hard time because I am SO over-protective of my children but yet this has happened...again, speechless.




The morning after, I was in a daze, I remember hearing a neighbor mowing his lawn and wanting to yell out the window "are you kidding me, I just lost my baby and your life just goes on!?" My world has stopped...turn upside down and still hasn't stopped jiggling. I feel empty, lonely. I long for something I can't fix or get. I just want to wake up...



I keep thinking this isn't suppose to happen to me...I am suppose to have a boring life...where did I sign up for this? Growing up in the church, I know the Plan of Salvation and I know all the spiritual side to this tragedy but it doesn't seem to help much. I know that Beckett is safe, happy and in the arms of Heavenly Father and other family members that we have lost. It is me that is broken. The pain in my heart just pulses hourly, my scar of his precious birth aches. The anguish in my son’s eyes is overwhelming. The grief in my daughter’s eyes makes my heart break over and over. I just want to fix this…take away their pain. Why me…why them…why us?



I will probably never stop questioning why…and I am not sure there will ever be an answer that will make me complete again.



Beckett was the most precious baby. He loved his siblings. Zeke would carry him around and show him the world. He would check on him for me if I was busy. He was feeding him bottles. Tatum was his second mother. She could hold him for hours. She recently has started to burp him and she was so proud. She told everyone about Beck and things he was doing. Mr. Boo loved Braia, although, she never held him much. She would get close (real close) to his ears and laugh (loud) or talk to him and he would turn his head and just stare and smile at her. I always thought it was odd that the loudness in her voice didn’t bother him…he loved every moment of noise in our house. Adleigh treated Beckett like her very own baby doll. She was ALWAYS trying to help me. If Beckett needed something she would help him…if she heard him cry (even from downstairs) she would coming RUNNING saying, “Oh, honey, I coming.” She called him “My Beckett.” I would have fights with her over whose “Beckett” he really was. He was definitely loved. There is no other baby that was wanted more than him.



Beckett was mine. I miss cuddling with him through the night. I miss squeezing his chunky hands and rubbing his sharp (even after I cut them) toenails. I miss spending every morning feeding him and lying in bed talking to him before everyone else woke up. I miss spending the evenings with him watching TV once the other kids were in bed. I miss him…



Hopefully someday I will be able to comprehend more of why my sweet angel was taken from us but for now…grieving is all I have.