10 Years

 

10 Years ago I was handed this beautiful baby boy...after 2 hours of hard work, where at one point my mom told me that I needed to push to which I replied:

He can just stay up there forever.

Let's just say it hurt...pretty bad!  But I am so glad that I was finally able to get him out and my life has definitely never been the same since.  Zeke is pure joy.  He is a sensitive boy.  He is a mommy's boy 100%.  

This year we let Zeke pick a few friends to go play laser tag.  They had a great time!  It was a pretty laid back party - so glad that he is out of the stage where I need to entertain the kids the entire time!!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BIG BOY!!
10 Years old is a BIG milestone...

He needs to stay my little boy.

He is already telling me that he wants to live near Aunt Linny when he graduates!!

We are going to have to invest in a heavy duty house alarm because he isn't leaving me...ever :-) 

I hope the next 10 years are just as happy and wonderful as these 10 years have been.

...my baby is ONE decade old!!

Zeke had to do a poster and write a autobiography for school.  I have to say that I am incredibly proud and in awe of Zeke.  Of course when his class found out about his brother, Beckett, all questions were eared towards asking about that.  He was asked if he "died for real?"  and the kids also asked about what SIDS was.  He explained it so perfectly without missing a beat OR getting uncomfortable.  He was able to talk about him - didn't even look to Jed or I for help.  Amazing.  He has come SO far.  Here is his report:

My Autobiography

My full name is Zeke Jedediah Elder. I was born in Boulder, Colorado at Boulder Community Hospital on October 30, 2002. I weighed 7 pounds and 3 ounces and my length was 21 ½ inches long.  My mom said that I had tons of blonde and red hair that stood straight up.  I liked to be held all the time and didn’t sleep through the night until I was 9 months old.  They told me that I got compliments wherever we went because I would smile at everyone.    The city I live in now is Lafayette.  We moved here 1 year ago.  My siblings are Tatum, Braia, Adleigh, Beckett, and Teague.  I am the oldest child in my family.  My best friend is Carson. I have known him for 5 years.  Now here are some important events in my life like when I lost my first tooth.  It happened during my swimming lesson class.  I was bouncing up and down on the side of pool.  Accidentally, I hit the side of the pool with my mouth and split my tooth.  My mom took me to the dentist and my tooth fell out in pieces.  My most favorite vacation was going to Disney World.  I went with my grandparents and my cousin, Abree, last fall.  My favorite ride was Splash Mountain.  Other places I have visited are LegoLand, SeaWorld, Texas, Arizona, California, New Mexico, Utah, Nevada, South Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming, Puerto Rice, Florida, St. Thomas Island, Barbados, Aruba and Dominica.   Florida is the only place that I have been to without my family.  No one else in my family has been to Florida like I have.  Some clubs I belong to are Mileage club, Fire Coir, and Cub Scouts.  Achievements I have earned are my Bobcat, Wolf, and Bear awards in scouts.  Things I remember as a young child was the time I had stitches.  I got stitches on my upper lip by running into my parent’s room because my Dad was chasing me.  I tripped and fell into my parents bed frame.  My mom said she cried when they had to put the stitches in my face.  Some sports I play are flag football and basketball every year.  My Dad and Grandpa coach me in both sports.  My whole family comes and watches me at every game. Something I want to be when I grow up is a Police Officer because my Dad is a Police Officer. That is all about me.

This idea I got from pinterest and thought it was brilliantly cute!  Trying to wake up before him was REALLY tricky...as Jed was putting up the balloons on his door I mentioned that it would be funny if Tiggers woke up (because he NEVER wakes up in the middle of the night) and he would have to rip everything down to get into the room.  Well, Teague did.  But not once...not twice...but 3 times.  Jed finally ripped the entire thing off the door because he was so upset about having to gently remove it to replace it 5 seconds later to then remove it again :-)  After we got Teague settled, the balloons back in place...Zeke knocks on his door (due to the sign I hung up!) and again Jed had to remove his work, hehe.  I think I giggled the entire time! 

 

He picked to have Buttermilk Chicken for his birthday dinner.  He REALLY wanted the Skylander's system.  He finally got his wish!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OUR ZEKE-O!!

He eats like his baby brother, hehe!!

Stop and Just Feel Everything

Why does everyone want you to move on so fast?

It has been 2 years.  I can handle those comments now.  Probably within the past 6 months I have had incredible growth and healing...that means I had 18 months of complete torment - sacrificing - heart wrench pain - to just get through each day without my baby.  But I am at a good place now - most of the time.  My understanding...acceptance...has gotten easier.  I have worked through most of my grief - at least the hardest parts - now I am learning to live with missing him everyday.  I still think of him multiple times a day but I don't tear up - it is remembering him and not the hurt.  It is so wonderful to be able to think of him and for it to not totally break me down.  I wanted to get to this point...where we only reflect on his memories of WHO he was and not be stuck on his tragic ending.  I don't want Beckett's memory to be full of pain - I want his memory to be pure and complete happiness - and we are making steps in the right direction.

I honestly believe that you have ONE YEAR (at least) to SAY, DO and ACT anyway you choose regarding your loss.  The first year you are not only dealing with what has happened but you are experiencing the "firsts."  You literally feel like you are going crazy.  Plan and simple fact is:  it is VERY different to lose a child - most people do NOT understand this.  It is not something that you just move on from.  Your child is your hope.  Your future.  You have lost this future.  You are lost.  Losing a parent is something that you know is going to happen - eventually - you learn this fact at a young age.  Not to say that losing your parent isn't hard...I am sure it is, I know that for me when that day comes it will be terribly hard to not have my parents here...but I know that losing them is part of life.  No one becomes a parent thinking that their child might die before them - it just isn't natural.  No matter how OLD or YOUNG your child is...you are NEVER prepared to bury your baby.  My Grandma had to bury my Uncle when he was in his 40's and I was told that she never fully moved forward from that - she missed him everyday - I'm sure as much as I have missed Beckett.  I feel bad that I never talked about him with her.  I didn't know how important it is to a mom to have people remember.  I'm sure she would have appreciated me telling her my few memories of him.

I recently had a mother that lost her 16 year old daughter 7 weeks ago tell me that when the snow started this past week - she panicked and went to go to the cemetery to place a blanket over her daughter's grave...

She didn't want her to get cold.

As she told me this I broke down.  She was trying to tell me how insane she has become - her husband had told her that.  I shook my head.  She is not crazy - she is a mom.  Who wants to protect her child - in anyway that she can - she has lost control over protecting her child.  I explained to her that when Beckett first died I had a hard time with people visiting his grave - not sure why - I asked Jed to call the cemetery to ask them if we could build a fence around his grave...seriously!  I couldn't understand why I was so upset - I wanted a 20 foot high fence with padlocks so that no one could "see him or touch him" without me knowing...it took me months to figure out what I was so upset about.  Control.  Protection.  I couldn't control who was around him - that was hard for me.  Most importantly I couldn't protect him anymore.  As a mom, this was a hard fact to learn and accept.  I was lucky enough to have a VERY patient husband who would hold my hand and tell me everything was alright - he never did call the cemetery :-)  Eventually, I was able to let go of my control over his grave...no matter how hard that was...I had to get to that point so that I could move forward.  

Okay - so I am going to make myself sound really nuts - but I do have a point.  When we left his grave the day we buried him I remember crying to Jed telling him that he was not very deep in the ground.  I could dig him out in a few hours - I just wanted to hold him again so bad.  I still do.  Just to kiss his sweet toes and tickle his precious face - the thought to dig always pops into my mind every so often.  When I mentioned that to someone they told me that I sounded crazy and creepy.  Now it did get worse...I have never told anyone this - only my close family knows I have had these thoughts or desires.  Just remember that I am mother who loves her children more than life...would do anything to have each one of them safe, loved and by my side.  I would get really upset that no one had figured out how to taxidermy a human.  See...you seriously become delirious, desperately grabbing at anything to get your child back in your arms.  I remember my mom asking what I would do with Beckett if he was taxidermied.  I told them that I would just hold him.  Rock in him the glider.  Probably every second of every day.  Crying.  I was then asked if that would really help me.  Having to think for a bit, I realized that...No, it would not help me.  I would still be sitting in that rocking chair - 2 years later - holding him...not moving forward, stuck in my grief and probably neglecting my family.  I would never be ready to let go.  Of course that sounds deranged to those that haven't been in my shoes.  I still ache to have him in my arms.

After making my point to this mother I could see relief float across her face.  She needed someone to tell her she is not crazy.  She needed someone to let her know it is okay - whatever she needs to do to get through each day she should do it.  There will come a time when she will realize that her daughter doesn't need that protection anymore but her husband, family, friends, etc. have NO right to tell her that what she is feeling or doing isn't "normal" or okay.  What has happened to this family isn't normal...there is no "right" way to respond.  She is in a fight or flight mode right now - if putting a sweet blanket on her daughter's grave gave her some peace for even ONE second - it was worth it. 

I just want parents, like me, to know that everything they are feeling (or doing) is normal.  You are allowed to have crazy, irrational thoughts.  You have just been through the most painful experience that any parent could go through.  But as someone that has been dealing with this for 2+ years...it does get easier...slowly but surely you will start to function.  You will begin to accept your reality.  But take the time to grieve, without someone telling you how.  Feel every emotion, no matter how incredibly difficult it is.  Someday you will be okay.         

Talking doesn't always come easy for girls

We had Adleigh's parent-teacher conference this week - along with her speech therapist.  Those that haven't known Adleigh don't really understand how amazingly smart she is and how far she has come.  They see a talkative 4 year old...that would NOT describe her a few years ago! 

Most 4-5 year olds can count.  Most know and recognize their ABCs.  Some are even learning the sounds to the ABCs.  Most can write their name and most of the letters. 

We have been so concentrated on her learning to be speak that I never worried about the above - to me it didn't matter whether she could count because she couldn't talk for the first 3 years of her life.  Adleigh definitely hasn't had it easy learning her language skills.  I have always blamed it on her 1,000's of ear infections that caused her to not be able to hear for the first 18 months of her life - then continued on and off for the next 18 months - basically she heard the world like she was under water.  At 3 years old, she scored verbally as a 9 month old baby!  Adleigh was a distant child - she didn't like playing with objects or people.  She was content to be by herself.  This of course worried me.  My biggest concern was that something was wrong - something BIG was wrong.  When we got her into speech therapy at 2 years old she made little progress.  She was incredibly shy, didn't connect with other people and pushed back when others tried to get her to communicate.  It was an up hill battle for many, many months.  We had a great therapist who took the time to work on Adleigh's schedule.  Eventually she began to make sounds.  They explained to me that the world, or people, didn't have a big meaning to Addie because she couldn't communicate with them and no one understood her  - so why should she bother interacting with anyone?  Made sense to me!  

Fast forward 2 years...after attending (and currently) a wonderful preschool, working with her teachers and speech therapist she has made many gains.  Her therapist has been so great working with Adleigh - especially in the beginning.  My favorite story is when her therapist would come up to her to tell her that she needed to go with her to practice speech and she would respond by looking at her and saying:

Um...No thank you.

And she would continue to play.  It is classic Adleigh.  Explains her to a capital T.  Everything has always been on her own time.  Maybe that is why I haven't pushed her to count, write, etc.  I realized this summer that she only has a year left until Kindergarten and she couldn't write her name...So began my journey of teaching basics to my baby girl.  She has desperately wanted homework - since her older siblings have some nightly.  So we have put together a plan of learning her ABCs, sounds and working on her writing.  Within the past 2 months she can NOW write her name BEAUTIFULLY, can count to 15, can recognize 10 letters and knows at least 5 sounds.  May not sound like a lot but this is just awesome for her!!  I knew that she was such a smart girl and that once she got the help and skills to learn to talk she would be able to learn and do anything.  

Her teachers told me the same.  They said that she is a completely competent learner, friend and student.  Enjoys learning, helping other children and has really learned how to be a friend.  Her teachers described her as a LEADER.  They explained that if they didn't know her history they would never think that she had a speech delay.  They also told me that she doesn't qualify for therapy anymore - but she is in the program through the school year until kindergarten no matter what - so they of course will continue to work with her on tuning up her speech and grammar.  I couldn't be more proud.  At one point in the meeting I had to choke back tears - I am just so happy (and relieved) that she is where she is.

My biggest concern now is reading.  It is a known fact that children that have speech delays usually have difficulty learning to read.  I am afraid that since she doesn't qualify (technically) for services that she is going to get "lost" next year in kindergarten.  Thankfully the teachers mentioned that they would make sure that the kindergarten teachers understand her past and can actively work with her in whatever ways she will need next year.  Awesome.

Every day I am surprised at least once by something Adleigh says.  It amazes me that she has the vocabulary and ability to make some inspired or accurate responses.  This week we were listening to "Superman" by Taylor Swift...on repeat in the car...for days now...Anyways, she made me stop the music one day and asked me if Superman saves the world in the movies.  I commented 'yes.' She thought for a moment and said:

I think Dad should be Superman and save this REAL world.

Smiling from ear to ear I agreed.  My Super hero - this week she is known as Batgirl :-)

      

Baby Loss Awareness 2012

I miss you baby!!

Sweet Beckett

April 7 - August 9, 2010

Looking for Cracks

As the kids piled into the car Friday afternoon...I sternly looked at them and said...

Well, something happened today...

Earlier that day I had taken Teague in for his 15 month appointment.  We found out that he is SKINNY and a SHRIMP!  His language skills are amazing and the doctor is not worried about his weight only because he saw him bouncing off the walls with energy and I mentioned that he eats like a grown man :-)  When we got home from the doctors office I had left Teague home with Jed because he desperately needed a nap.

As Tatum shut the car door, she looked wide-eyed at me.  I continued to say calmly..."We took Teague to the doctor..."  She immediately got BIG eyes - started shaking her head - and saying, "Oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh!  What happened to him!!??"

When I realized what she was thinking I grabbed her hand told her that nothing was wrong and that I was sorry for acting all serious, all I wanted to tell them was that Teague was super skinny and a shorty - obviously I had been too dramatic.  Had I known that her thoughts would have gone straight to the point of her baby brother being hurt, etc. I would have NEVER said what I had said.  When I got finished explaining to her what I had meant - she fell into her seat, her breathing relaxed a bit, she placed her hands on her chest and said:

Don't ever do that to me!!  

I still feel guilty :-( 

We finally met with Tatum's counselor this past week.  It was eye opening and gut wrenching.  It was actually a good thing that we met with him before Tatum started up again.  He mentioned that he had had a lot of questions - she said things that puzzled him this past summer.  When we explained everything that we have noticed since school started and our concerns at home - it was like a light went off in his head and he was able to put the pieces together.  To break it all down...

Tatum is a very sensitive and intuitive child.  She understands things on a deeper level then most 7-8 year old's.  When I mentioned that Tatum spent a lot of time with Beckett - it's the truth - she was always with him.  She would sit and hold him...she enjoyed feeding him...and loved to lay on the floor and play or talk with him.  Even to this day she will tell me that she was "like a mother" to Beck.  She was.  

Her therapist pointed out that he now understands certain comments that she made that didn't seem quite right or were confusing - basically he explained to us that Tatum is not only grieving as a sibling but he believes that she has taken on part of the role as a grieving mother.  He pointed out that since Tatum and I are close - always have been - that when Beckett died she desperately wanted to help me.  In turn, she took upon herself some of my motherly grief...probably hoping that she could ease my burden.  She thought of herself as a second mother to him...so to her, why shouldn't she miss him like he was her baby?

Doug, her therapist, mentioned that this is typical behavior from adults.  For example, a parent will take upon them the pains, sufferings, emotions, etc. of their child to help comfort them and ease them of heartache.  Isn't that true...I would love to take away my children's pain regarding Beckett - I would gladly hurt for all 4 of them. Doug began to tell us that this is going to be a long process to work through her feelings - because she doesn't know exactly what she is feeling.  So he can't let her know when a certain emotion is something that she has taken from me.

Doug then wanted to know exactly how I have grieved - especially in the beginning.  Well, I was depressed...duh!  But mostly I was angry.  I still can be at times. I told him that I disconnected from my kids at first.  For a few weeks after his death - my parents helped a LOT - I don't really remember parenting much.  Then when Jed got home from work - I departed into my room to break down in misery that I had been holding in the entire day.  I couldn't handle anything.  Any amount of added pressure on me and I just broke.  I stopped seeing most of my friends (sorry!).  I didn't want to leave the house for months...I would drive to the grocery store - walked in - then turned around and drove home.  Before...I use to plan something with a friend every day of the week - whether it be a play date with the kids, the park, museum, zoo...anything...once he died I only talked with ONE friend constantly and my new friends - unfortunate mother's like myself - because they understood what I was dealing with... and that was it.  I would plan outings, activities, etc. but I never followed through with them.  I would panic - call the morning of and cancel.  I just couldn't be myself.  I remember picking the kids up from preschool and kindergarten and I would just stand far away from every person and child...afraid to talk to people.  Before...I would have been mingling while trying to figure out who the parents were of my new kindergartener's friends.  I sure was different.  I remember it bothered me that I was so different but I didn't know how to change back.  I didn't know how to be my "normal."  I just wasn't ME anymore.  

Tatum isn't "her" anymore either.  She told Doug this summer that she is angry all the time.  She is angry at "her life."  She is angry that other people don't know how much she hurts inside.  She has turned away from every friend that she had BEFORE.  For the first year, she never wanted to have people over and always retreated to her bedroom.  She told me once, awhile ago, that she didn't want to "fake being happy in front of people."  She was tired - as I was.  Her poor little heart couldn't take anymore pressure either.  I have noticed for awhile that she secludes herself from peers - she will stand apart from her group of friends staring off.  Doesn't this all sound familiar???

I feel just horrible that I never noticed the similarities.  When he pointed all this out I felt terrible that I never noticed that she IS acting how I did.  To top everything off...he thinks that she has noticed that we are all doing "better."  Through her eyes:  

Mom isn't crying anymore,

we have really happy moments, 

company frequents our house regularly again, 

Mom isn't talking about Beckett every second of every day, etc.  

She notices that we have started to heal...and she hasn't.  She has so much affliction in her mind and heart still.  She thinks since everyone seems to be doing better (I hate that word...I wont ever be better...I am have just learned to deal) and she is not...then something must be wrong with her - she concludes that:

She must be a bad person.

Children are simple.  And it is a simple explanation.  Even though it is incredibly...100%...FALSE!  When he told us this I literally wanted to drive to her school - hold her in my arms and tell her how wonderful and special she is.  To hear that my child perceives themselves this way is horrible.  I wish she understood and saw herself through my eyes...

Where do we go from here?  We look for cracks.  Opportunities that present themselves to help her heal.  He said that she could hear me tell her how wonderful she is every minute but it wouldn't help.  We have to focus everything in a positive light.  She doesn't handle criticism very well - it reinforces TO HER that she is indeed a bad person because she...DID that wrong, or SAID that wrong, etc.  Of course she still needs rules and boundaries but we need to be gentle when we deal with her.  One of those "crack" moments (that so does not sound right!) was recently when she was having a problem at school with friends - she didn't want to talk about it - she wanted to lay on my bed with me and cry.  And so I held her - not asking anything - not giving her advice - I just held my baby girl.  I know my fun-loving, out-going daughter is in there - somewhere - I will find her eventually.

Golden Birthday!!

I am 30.  I can't believe that I just wrote that.  I have been dreading it.  Not sure why though.  Monday after my birthday someone asked how old I was...I sat there quiet, not sure what to say.  I probably looked like a deer in headlights.  I wanted so badly to scream...

29!!!!

But I was afraid that Jed would tell them I was lying.  So instead I said nothing.  According to my wonderfully honest 7 year old...I am WAY old now.  I guess I am...I am an adult now.  Six kids never made me an adult...they made me more of a kid :) 

September 30, 1982

September 2012

Teag-O makes the picture way cuter :-)

Things Happen Differently

Jealously can eat right through you.  But I can't help but feel envious of those that just had more time...he was going to die (I can accept that...sort of) but to not have a chance to say good-bye or I Love You...while he was "alive," where he could have felt my touch or heard my voice.

I was contacted by another SIDS Mommy recently and was directed to her blog.  She had such beautiful pictures of her baby.  She also had a picture of him in the hospital after he had stopped breathing.  The thing about SIDS...they have never been able to resuscitate a SIDS baby.  After seeing that picture I broke down in tears...over come with such envious emotions.  I guess I should feel blessed that I never had to make the decision to turn the machines off - I miss him and wish I could have had a moment longer with him.

A family that I know lost their 16 year old daughter 4 weeks ago.  She left the house without her parents knowing - to meet her boyfriend - and got hit by a car on her way back home.  Her parents didn't even realize that she was missing.  They got a knock on the door at 3am (5 hours after the accident)...a knock that no parent should ever have to experience. 

When I found out the next morning I was completely heart broken for her.  I still am.  Shock.  I hate hearing about these things but to have someone that I see on a weekly basis - a mother - that I know loves her children more then anything - now has to experience life without her young child.  To give up her dreams - her hopes - her child.

She got up and spoke on Sunday.  All I could think of was, "Wow."  She is truly amazing.  An inspiration.  I could have never done that - still can't actually.  My mom always wanted me to get up and Thank the ward after Beckett died - I couldn't do it - I sent notes, cards, letters, etc. - but emotionally I couldn't get up in front of 400 people and talk about it...it still panics me to think of doing that.  Maybe I am not as strong as this mother.  I definitely can talk about him without choking up ...but for some reason to get in front of a group and have to tell them that my son died - I can't do it.  It hurts.  Every emotion comes back.  I can't breath and all I keep wishing is that I don't want to tell these people my reality.  It's hard to let people see me so vulnerable...not always this happy, out going mom who over schedules herself.

My emotions are definitely simple now.  I miss him.  I love him.  I want him back.  That will never change.  But it feels good to not be in that dark place anymore.  I knew that every night after the kids were in bed I would break down for hours sometimes - begging for him back, watching his videos or just looking through his billion pictures...it is good to not be there anymore.  I have some hope now.  I am at a good place - I did let that blog bother me for a bit - but then I can put it aside and not dwell on it.  Let it go...the things that I cannot change and what I need to accept.  A year ago...it would have destroyed me for days, weeks, months, etc.  

Life isn't fair.  I laugh as I write that - I have probably said that 100 times in the past few months...to myself and my kids.  Life is not fair, it never will be.  We need to accept what our life has handed out - learn and grow  from those experiences - of course it doesn't mean that I wouldn't want my life to be different but I can finally let all the hurt and raw emotions go.  I am a new me...I am not broken and shattered anymore.  I've slowly put myself back together - I will still always be missing that ONE special piece.  I am not just the "mom who's baby died."  I am not going to let it define me or my life.

     

Daughters

I love these 3 girls.  We have so much fun together.  I hope that we are always close - even through the teenage years!  I hope they know how much I love them - individually.  I love how each of them are different, unique in their own way.  One thing that I hope for my daughters is that they continue to grow their relationship with each other - SISTERS ARE FRIENDS FOREVER.

The Grill N Bid

Our School Fundraiser!

So much fun...

I got no pictures of Zee, he was running all over the place with his friends!

Football and Cheer

Our Saturdays have now been taken over with football games...which we do love.  Tatum has almost finished her season of Cheer.  This year has definitely been - different.  She is probably glad that it is almost over.  Even though I know she loves it - she always gets tired towards the end of the season.  Zeke has been doing football again - Flag.  I am still not ready for him to do tackle - until last Saturday when I watched him tackle a boy and thought at least with normal Football he would be wearing protective gear instead of just a Flag. 

Our Family at the Games:

Teague always needs to be center of attention!!