My Dancing Bear

 

I teach primary at my church.  The 5 year olds.  Who doesn't love this age, they will say anything and tell you everything!!  :)  On Sunday, my lesson ran short but luckily I brought snacks (who doesn't love snacks on Sunday!) and coloring sheets.  Normally I would watch them color and ask them questions regarding the lesson.  For some reason, lately, I just have no energy to think.  So I decided to color with them...first of all, I had so much fun coloring my picture!

As we all were coloring one of the children turn to Bray (they all know that I am her mom) and say something about how she has a big family - and that she has 2 brothers and 2 sisters.  Before I could even look up to see if she would respond or not...honestly, I was fine letting her decide how she wanted to handle it.  She gets really loud and shouts back, "No, I have 2 sisters and THREE brothers."  The child again tells her, "no."  At this point I look up - wondering if I was going to have to stop some heated argument - believe me, you don't want to fight with Bray :)  She gets a stern look on her face and says:

"I have 2 sisters and THREE brothers...Teague, Beckett and Zeke." As she counts her fingers in front of this child.

The child looks confused and asks, "Well, who is Beckett?"  When Beckett first died we were given some necklaces from my May 2010 Mom's for all my kid's.  They have Beck's name on them with his birthstone...throughout the past months we have added to the necklace a framed picture of Beck.  I have them safe in my bedroom so that the girls don't break or lose them.  Oddly enough this past Sunday all 3 girls wanted to wear them.  

Before Bray could even respond to this child about who Beck was, her friend, Sydney, says (with attitude :)  "It's her brother that died, she has his picture on her necklace."  Now let me explain a minute about Sydney.  Sydney is the sweetest girl and has been a really good friend to Bray since we moved to Lafayette.  They live down the street from us and play together quite often.  One thing about Syd is that she shares her birthday with Beck.  Every time I see her she tells me her birthday is April 7th.  At first it was shocking and like a knife through my heart every time she said it...now, I just smile and tell her that is a wonderful day to have a birthday.  Sometimes I will remind her that she shares it with my Beckett.  Anyways, after Sydney responds for Bray the class fell silent.  From this point I hadn't looked up from coloring page.  Thinking that the conversation was over - another child says:

What did he look like when he was dead?

I have never had anyone ask that question.  I wouldn't even know how to respond.  Without looking up and hoping that the subject would suddenly be changed, Bray says:

"Well, I didn't see him.  My mom took him to my neighbors house.  I was in bed when my mom left.  My 'neighbor friend' came into my room and talked with me."

She then began to tell a story...a story I am sure because to my knowledge her 'neighbor friend' never came into our house that night.  Still not lifting my head and just listening.  I have never asked the kid's what they saw that night.  Maybe I am afraid of what they will tell me but seriously hoped that they didn't see Beckett like that.  A memory that would for sure haunt a small child :(  After Bray finishes her story the room goes silent again.  Thinking that was the end of this awkward subject...Sydney quietly stands up. And says:

If you miss Beckett raise your hand.

Without looking up, my hand shot up in the air.  All the other children raised their hand...except one little girl.  Thinking how entirely sweet this whole thing is, especially since Bray and me are the only ones that actually knew Beckett in the room.  That one child looks around the room and responds:  But I didn't know Beckett.  Bray puts her hands on her hips, tilts her head to the side and announces:

"Everyone knows Beckett's spirit."

The small child looks at Bray, shrugs her shoulders and says, "Oh, Ok." And raises her hand.  I sit there with a huge smile on my face.  I thought it was pretty funny but sweet.  Not sure what Bray meant by everyone knowing his spirit but hey, I'll go with it.  

Children are so innocent.  I think a few of those children learned a bit from Bray that Sunday afternoon.  I couldn't be more proud of my little girl.  I would have been okay if she just agreed in the beginning about having only 2 brothers...but it meant the world that she had to include him.  

Bray is my sensitive daughter.  If fact tonight I realized that my baby Addie..."baby" I call her because that is honestly still how I think of her...stole a small toy from the store today.  Upset I told her that I would have to call Daddy and tell him.  She panicked and started screaming that she didn't want to go to jail...sitting next to a hysterical Addie was Bray crying and saying that she didn't want her sister to leave the family.  Bray is VERY perceptive.

Bray loves to dance.  This year the dance theme for the recital is Life Stages (walking, sleeping, crying, reading, driving, etc.)  I asked Bray what the song was that she was dancing to because I wanted to figure out what stage of life they were interpreting, she couldn't tell me.  She told me she forgot.  Out of the blue 2 weeks ago Bray didn't want to go to dance class.  Confused because she has ALWAYS liked going to dance.  I made her go.  Normally I sit in the car watching movies with Addie (who's class is before Bray's) and then Bray runs out to the car when her class is over.  During her class time, Addie had to go to the potty.  So we traveled inside.  I stand at the window and watch Bray's class dance and I hear the teacher announce that they are going to practice their recital dance.  Excited that I finally get to see and hear it.  

The girls line up.  The teacher press the play button.  I stand there stunned as the song, Baby Mine, starts playing.  My eyes begin to water.  This song is one of Beckett's songs.  We used it in his video.  I think of him now every time I hear it.  I didn't want to stand there and watch but I had to...for Braia.  As the song finished I walked out to the car as I wiped away my tears.  Bray knows this song...why didn't she just tell me what song it was?  

I realized that later, from my parents, that maybe Bray didn't want me to hear the song.  She didn't want me to hurt.  Either she didn't want me to hurt OR the song made her think of her brother and it was too hard for her...and it has nothing to do with me.  Either way I know without a doubt that is why Bray is having a hard time with dance.  I sat her down a few days later and asked her why she didn't tell me that she was dancing to a Beck song.  Trying to keep a straight face she tells me she didn't realize.  Knowing that to not be the truth...I simply tell her how neat it is that she gets to dance to one of his songs.  It's like he wants her to know that he will be there watching.  I told her to dance her best...dance for Beckett.  She smiled and said, "I will."      

The Last Wedding

My little brother is married.  Yes, that is so crazy.  Was he not just 16 years old?  Where has all the time gone?  

Their wedding was in Idaho - so we decided to leave early and go to the Tetons - since I had never been there.  We got these very cute cabins.  We spent the night and headed to the Tetons the next morning.  It happened to be so foggy and we couldn't really see the mountains...but honestly, once you have seen a mountain haven't you really seen them all?  I mean the scenery was beautiful but I think I am just partial to the Rocky Mountains in Colorado - THOSE are mountains.  In fact, Jed and I got into a debate about which mountains were the biggest - Utah or Colorado...and who of course won, me!!  :)  I feel very fortunate to live next to such beauty.  Anyways, we headed to Idaho after viewing the Tetons.

I was so excited to see all of my family.  Rarely is all of my parents, brothers and sister together.  I think the last time we were together was Christmas after Beckett died (2010).  Ever since Benjamin's family moved to Seattle we haven't seen them - my kid's LOVED seeing their cousins.  I am so happy that all of our kids get along and really love each other.

Friday evening I got to go to the temple with Austin...for his first time.  It was a very interesting experience.  A crazy story - a temple experience that I have never had before.  That is all I will say.  Austin looked like a man.  It was weird to see him like that.  Seriously, I see a teenage boy when I look at him.    

Then their wedding was in the Rexburg Idaho Temple. I have to admit that watching the "new couple" holding hands...confessing their love to their families got me emotional.  It brought me back to that day, 10+ years ago, where Jed and I were holding hands...so young, too young...and SO excited to begin our life journey together.  Little did we know that SOON we would have SIX of the most BEAUTIFUL, intelligent, witty, talented, energetic children...raising FIVE of them on this earth, with ONE amazing Angel...spending the rest of our lives together...and then for eternity. 

 

To me...Austin will always be that 4 year old dressed in his Halloween, GREEN dinosaur, costume for many weeks AFTER Halloween and Lindsey and I constantly teasing him by calling him:

Green Butt

And him crying because we kept calling him that.  We both thought we were super funny - but what mean sisters! (I know, silly, but I was an 11 year old girl who liked to tease...okay, I am still that 11 year old girl, trapped in a almost 30 (shhhhhhh) year old body who still likes to tease :)

So as we try and welcome a new member into our family...I think we should let her know how crazy, loud, sardonic we really are.  I think it has been a shock about how openly kooky we are.  I mean our poor in-laws (Jed and Kirsten) who came into our family...both shy, reserved, quiet...they both married the exact opposite.  They both can tell you that is it VERY hard to get a word in - because we are all screaming and laughing over each other.  Nothing is off the table...we are open, we talk about anything.  I love this aspect of my family.  There are no secrets. 

I don't want to say that you have to have "tough skin" in our family because that is what Jed's family always told me when we first married.  I think it's wrong.  To say that you have to put up with nonsense is ridiculous.  In my family, you have to be able to handle the truth - definitely do not ask questions/opinions if you really don't want to know the answer.  We don't lie.  We don't sugar coat.  We tell it like it is.  We don't mean to offend.  We will tell our true feelings.  Some may call it RUDE - but then you really don't understand our family dynamics.  I think the members of my family want the truth always...so we tell the truth always - maybe with a little sarcasm mixed in :) 

Bottom line...we LAUGH, we YELL, we PLAY, we TEASE, we SUPPORT...but most of all WE LOVE EACH OTHER.  I wouldn't have my family any other way.

CONGRATS AUSTIN and HILLARY.

Remember you are only as happy as your spouse.  So make each other happy!  

PICTURE OVERLOAD

Pictures from this weekend of my kiddos AND my family!

Kelly's Korner

I linked up with Kelly's blog (from HERE) for mother's that have lost a child.  Like so many others, I wish I wasn't apart of this group - I wish no mother was.

I lost my 4 month and 2 day old son to SIDS in August of 2010.  He was beautiful...healthy...and was taken from me while I laid him down for a nap.  The story is HERE. 

Life hasn't gotten easier without my son but I am learning to enjoy what I still do have on earth.  I have had to lean on my husband, children, family and friends for strength at times.  My faith is God is still strong as I try and find the answers of why...but I cannot wait for the day when I will be reunited with my baby forever. 

I hope that I can meet some other mothers that are experiencing what I am/have.   

Easter 2012

I love spring time.  I love Easter - it's the one holiday that is filled with BRIGHT colors and everything comes into bloom outside.  Easter is such an important holiday.  It reminds us of everything Christ has done for each one of us.  Remembering that we can all live together forever...someday.  I was worried that this Easter would be hard - remembering last year :(  but surprisingly it was okay.  I tried to stay focused on the importance of this holiday and not let the Easter bunny take over.

We of course dyed Easter eggs.  My sister was in town and got to dye them with us.  It went really fast.  Amazing how a few years and a little bit more maturity can make a difference...this was the FIRST time no one spilled any dye - no eggs were broken - no tears over someone else getting to do ONE more egg than someone else- and most of all no one freaking out if someone EATS an egg that they dyed.  My kids are getting bigger.  It's so much fun and sad at the same time.  I want them to stay little and with me forever BUT I love watching them become little adults.  

We also decorated Beck's grave.  I hated that his birthday decorations weren't able to stay up for very long BUT we had to place Beck's Easter basket.  It was such a beautiful day.  The older kid's did their norm of running around the cemetery - playing tag.  Jed and I laid by Beckett's grave and just watched as Tiggers climbed on us.  My sister and brother showed up to see the decorations.  It was so great to have them both here to celebrate.  Now that my baby brother is married we wont have the luxury of him home all that time.  My sister is just an amazing support to me and my family.  My children enjoy when she is around - they are definitely spoiled with attention from her!!

Overall, it was a relaxing Easter.  I think I was still a bit drained from Beckett's birthday the previous day but we were all able to celebrate this holiday with no tears and only happiness.
 

Why did you go?

I have finally edited and organized all the photos from Beck's birthday.  I think all together we had over 1,000 pictures taken (by 3 different cameras).  It was craziness BUT so glad that we were able to have many people taking pictures so that everyone is in the pictures...best idea ever!

Sitting here and typing this I still can't believe that he would be TWO.  So much time as slipped away...so much time I have missed out on.  Preparing for this birthday was very different than last year.  Last year...was...hard.  February and March I spent EVERY day crying...wounded...scared to what his day would be or become.  I didn't handle ANYTHING well.  Talking about what to do on that day was too much for me to handle.  I spent so much time on my knees in complete agony over celebrating my "WOULD BE" one year old son - but without him.  I can still remember the amount of pain.  Oddly, when his day arrived it was peaceful, beautiful and perfect for what the situation was.  The day after his birthday it was like a HUGE amount of weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  

This year I spent most of the weeks leading up to his birthday either thinking about or working hard on Beckett Bears (which I think totally saved me) and or denying the fact that his birthday was here...again.  So there was really no build up.  I had planned his birthday months ago - exactly what I wanted to do all day long.  As his day approached I began to get antsy.  I couldn't concentrate on anything.  It was tough trying to get the dishes done, dinner made...it was almost like my mind was somewhere else but I don't know exactly where it went.  I was stress, mad...yelling at everyone :( I was getting calls from people that were planning Easter stuff on Saturday - which made me miss Beckett more - it was hard enough having to celebrate his birthday BUT to have Easter the next day was a bit more devastating.  I was getting calls all week about birthday parties for Saturday - Both Tay and Bray got invited to go to a party on Saturday - I couldn't even answer the phone, the voice-mails were hard enough.  I know that other people celebrate birthday's on that day - I do know that Beck isn't the ONLY one that was born on April 7th (in fact, he shares his birthday with my wonderful Grandpa) BUT I think having people remind me that they get to celebrate that birthday WITH their child, they get to throw an amazing party for their baby...was way to much for me to handle.  It was not fair.  It all made me so angry.   

I woke up on Saturday a mess.  I could hardly get through showering without blubbering all over.  Once Jed got home from work that morning, I was stressed.  The first thing that we were doing was donating Beckett Bears to the hospital.  I thought I would have been in a better mood. All I wanted was my baby boy here...running into my room so excited because he was going to open presents!  As we arrived at the hospital, we took pictures...I did not really talk to anyone.  This was harder than I expected.  As each child began to grab some bears to carry - the adults began to pick up the big boxes of bears...hearing the kid's laughing and so excited to give these bears to the hospital - I smiled.  As we walked into the hospital and were greeted with such warmth and excitement I forgot that I was so sad - this was something special to do in honor of Beckett.  I was so excited to give these woman - who have such a hard job, they are the ones that are with these broken hearted families - our BECKETT BEARS.  This experience was AMAZING.  I felt so much peace and happiness at providing these bears for this hospital.  The hospital that tried so hard that day to give my son back to me - the hospital that provided me with a special bear - my BECKETT BEAR.  

We took the bears up to a room - talking with the nurses, taking pictures.  As I walked out of that hospital - the same door that I left the day he died (a door that I still had never walked through until that moment) I realized how happy I was.  We did this for Beckett - this experience made my day SO much better.  It reminded me why I was doing this project to being with - I wanted to provide this hospital with something that they so kindly gave me and to hopefully provide another mother and family with something that will NEVER replace what they lost BUT receive something that they can hold, squeeze and/or think about their child.  I am so excited to start collecting more bears for my second drop off on August 9th.

In a MUCH better mood, we headed to Beck's grave to have our balloon release.  Surprised when we arrived and there was the cutest birthday cake CANDLE with a very sweet note.  Not sure who it was from - it was anonymous - but THANK YOU to whom ever you are.  That was so special - I simply LOVE how someone was able to visit Beck's place.  To know that other people think of him...makes me happy.  THANK YOU!  

We first decorated his grave - something I would have done days before BUT the cemetery was doing some maintenance and we weren't allowed to place flowers or decorations at all.  Panic!  I couldn't have his day celebrated without FLOWERS or his decor.  But it got done...my parents even planted Tulips around his tree!  Funny thing about Beck's sign - I grabbed it at the store *thinking* it said 'Happy Birthday.'  When I placed the sign next to his marker and my mom read it aloud, 'The Party is here!'  I couldn't believe that the sign said that, but we all had a really good laugh about it.  Truth is...there was a party there!  We then wrote letters to our angel on the balloons.  The kids were really into writing notes this year.  Interesting enough, Zee and Tay both wrote close to the same thing on their balloons:

Why did you go?  Why did you have to die?  We miss you.

Ouch.  Poor kids.  I hate that they know this pain.  Of course, the kids were very excited to send these balloons to heaven for Beck.  My crazy camera would not take pictures so I didn't get pictures of everyone releasing their balloons :(  So sad.  

The kid's all wanted to go to Chuck E Cheese for dinner - of course for Beck (hmm, sure :)  but you know...it is their brother's birthday and to be honest - we probably would have taken him there for his birthday if he was here anyways.  So we went again this year.  After dinner, we headed back to our house to have some cake - luckily we got a cake - we spent a couple hours planning this cake with a baker and it was going to perfect.  We didn't realize that he never put the order in AND wasn't even working the rest of the week so he wasn't even able to make our cake...but they were great and got a cake very close to what we originally wanted.

This was his day.  A day that I wanted to remember him.  We did exactly that.  Those bears were OUR gift to Beck.  

I Love you my Mr. Boo.  Happy Birthday!

I want to say THANK YOU to those that called, emailed, dropped by, letters, packages, flowers, etc.  This day wouldn't have been wonderful without all my friends and family letting me know that they thought of Beck too!  Also, THANKS to those that posted birthday messages on their blogs to Beck - A.MAZ.ING.  THANK YOU to Ashley for sending me this picture (below) - I cried when I opened it - I love it!!  I don't think I will ever be able to express my gratitude to those that made Beck's Day that much better!!