Not sure I should post this but...I need to remember these feelings - for myself, maybe for my children to read in the future when they are having a trial in life...maybe I shouldn't share these feelings but I just need to get it out.
I have never felt so alone. I have had to learn how to survive on my own. I have had to learn lessons that I wish I didn't. I feel deserted. By almost everyone in my life at one moment or another (metaphorically speaking)...no one truly understands what I go through on a daily basis - even Jed. It is so easy for "them" to give me answers when most of the time I don't even know what my questions are - I get that people just want me to feel better, be happy.
Prayer has been a struggle for me lately. I admit it. I hate how that is how I feel. When I say alone...deserted...I feel it the most from the Savior at this point. Where was he when I was pleading for my son's life? Where was he all the times I have begged for some understanding, acceptance... why do I feel such loneliness? Maybe I am not hearing what I need to hear? I just feel like at this point in my life...doesn't matter what I am praying for - I don't feel heard.
Ask. I guess I don't
know what I need to be asking because what I do ask for...doesn't
happen. Am I asking for realistic things - no. Can't help what my
heart wants. I guess I will be in this "place" until I can accept that
Beckett isn't coming back. How come in a year and a half my mind -
heart - can't accept it? I have been asking for the same thing night after night...why can't I move on from this point in my grief?
I can't do this anymore. Why am I being tortured?
My life isn't perfect. Not even close. No one would be raising their hand to trade lives with me - nope! I wanted that perfect life. I now have to settled with what I have...a life without one of my precious children...I hate this. I so desperately want to be happy. Happy in a way that I can function without Beckett here...and be OK with that. I guess I need to ask for happiness instead of bringing back my son?
Talking with my sister this past weekend she told me that she has felt the same way to an extent. But her wise words: I will get to a point where I will need him. Some moments I feel like I am standing in the middle of a field...striped down...so vulnerable...screaming for help. I need to continue to ask...until.
Maybe. Eventually I will get there. Where I will feel some peace. I will be able to look back and cherish 4 months instead of this awful heart ache for the 18+ months. I hope I feel it soon.
I miss my baby.
