Chautauqua Park - Field Trip

The girls preschool went to Chautauqua park for a field trip to learn about different season.  I went with both classes.  Let's just say by the end of the second hike I was tired!  But I love spending time with my kids and I know they enjoy with either Jed or I are there with them...plus, it scares me to let other adults drive my kids :)

Odd, I know

Been having a really hard time lately...as his birthday approaches, all I can do is think about him.  I hate that I am feeling this way...I just feel like I have been through this part of grieving in the very beginning.  On the verge of tears every second of every day.  I am hoping that this is the worst of it and that when his birthday finally arrives...it will be a good day, where we can reflect on his short life and really celebrate him as part of our eternal family.

We FINALLY got his marker ordered and in the process of being printed.  We have had so many problems trying to get what we wanted and talked about orginally last August.  After switching sales workers and working through all the changes we have finally gotten exactly what we what...and more.  I can't wait to see it done.  It was an emotional roller coaster picking everything out and making sure that it is just perfect.  I wanted the best for him.  The funeral home kept showing me brochures that, to me, looked so cheap and silly...I wanted something nice, clean, simple and all about him.

My family is starting to think I am crazy...I know...talking through designing his marker has made me think a lot more about him...and where he is at, literally.  I still remember the day that we placed him in the ground and driving out of the cemetery and mentioning to Jed that he wasn't that deep, I could dig him out in a few hours if I wanted.  Jed was totally taken back by my comment...but was it really that weird?  I just want to hold him again so bad.  What mother wouldn't want to see their baby again...no matter what.  Of course, I know, without a doubt, that it wouldn't be the same digging him back up but I desperately want to hold him again.  Death is just so final...the end...and I hate it. 

This has definitely been the most lonely part of my life.  No one really knows what I feel every day, not even Jed.  I admit that I hide most of my emotions because I don't want to upset anyone else in my family.  I still break down every time I see something of his, a picture, song, etc. I believe that it is normal, at least I hope it is.  I have really been struggling this last week and I finally broke down and asked my family for a blessing, I just don't know what else to do.  As my dad gave me a blessing he mentioned that I need to put my "load" on Christ and ask for his help.  It made me realize that I haven't actually "lighten my load" on him, sure I have asked for help, comfort, understanding but to take part of this heavy, undoubtedly has me on my knees, load...I have not.  I figured that I need to feel every experience/emotion regarding this trial but I am tired, emotionally drained...but I just don't know how to let some of it go.  I not only carry around my hurt and sadness but I have put my families grief on my "back" as well.  Basically it made me realize that I need to spend more time on my knees asking for my burden to be lighten, as well as peace and understanding.

But I do get out of bed every day.  I do take care of my family, I clean the house, I run the errands...but every night as I climb back into bed reality always sinks in the hardest - as I am reminded that all my dreams and desires of my once happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy have ended.  I know that my life isn't over without Beckett in it but trying to find true happiness without him is where I am left at the end of each day.

READY! SET...On the Road

Jed only had about a week and a half of in-class training...then he had a big shopping day.  Imagine ME with unlimited funds at the MALL...that is exactly what Jed was like going to Neves (a Police shop) and having Broomfield City pay the bill.  He came home with all his gadgets that he just had to lay out and gawk over...seriously he is like a 10 year old boy when it comes to this stuff.  The kid's all got to try on his FUNNY police hat...luckily (he said) that he probably wont ever have to wear it, it makes him look...well, funny!

We have been giving him such a hard time about his badge lately.  The first day he got it he wouldn't put it down and then to top it off Addie called it a "cool badge" which went straight to his head :)  The night he got it he laid it in bed and I jokingly asked if it was sleeping between us...well, now all of our friends and family have been teasing him.  All joking aside, he is SO dang proud of it and he should be!  Addie seems just as obsessed with it as Jed...the other day he came home and sat down on the couch and was talking to me and she points at it and says (in her silly-serious voice) "Daddddd...I seeeeee your badge!"  With a BIG smile on her face!

Annual GREEN Meal

St. Patrick's Day 2011

OUCH!

Poor thing yanked a toy out of her help and along came a HUGE clump of hair :(  I am still trying to outgrow her last summer hair cut done by her sister...her hair was JUST starting to get long back then and CHOP...and now this, she has a BIG bald spot on the top of her head!

Pre-Braia Hair Cut

CONGRATS Mr. Officer

We had a BBQ in celebration of Jed's new job!  I didn't get very many pictures because...well, I was enjoying myself :)

 

Poem

Kindness of a Stranger

Wasn't sure I was going to blog about this because I don't even know if THE person reads my blog or what...but I felt like I needed to express my gratitude to the WORLD :)

We have been getting random things left at our door since Beckett died. We have had many, many amazing things done and/or left for us the first couple of months after Beck died but to our surprise when it continued month after month. My kid's get so excited every time we find something outside our door. There is always a kind note that makes me realize that others still care about what our family is/has gone through.


This month was no exception...on the 9th I was having an awful day, he died on the 9th and it is usually never a good day. I think a lot about what has happened…how my family is still being affected and overall it is just a miserable day. My husband was the first to find our "treat" on the doorstep, with a note...and it totally made my whole day much better. Just the thought that someone was thinking of us, on that day, means the world to me. I don't think most people realize how long this ache hurts...I have people tell me that I should be "moving on" by now...my mom was surprised when I mentioned that I still struggle on the 7th (he was born on the 7th) and the 9th...some think that if they don't mention him, it's better for me that way...Honestly, I think I am going to struggle my whole life, there will ALWAYS be a emptiness that ONLY Beckett could ever fill. There will always be the same questions of why him, why me. There will always be the awkward silences every time someone asks “how many children do you have?”

At the bank the other day, the banker made a comment about my locket (a picture of Beckett) and asked if it was my youngest child. Confused on how to answer because Adleigh and Braia were running around...obviously Addie looked the youngest...I answered, "Yes, but it's my son." So she wouldn't assume that it was a picture of Adleigh. Of course that made her ask more questions...I was in about a week earlier with all 4 kids and she remembered (probably because we enter EVERY building like a tornado) so she asked if he was with me when I came in the other day...so I simply said, No, he passed away last summer. She apologized and quickly changed the subject. To her, it probably looked like she upset me (because I did get a little teary eyed) but to me, just the simple fact that she had asked about who he was (a reason why I wear the necklace with his picture the most) meant a TON. I can't stress it enough on how MUCH I LOVE talking about him, whether it's his stories or just who he was. Of course bringing him up may get me a bit emotional BUT it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk about it. I am sure 50 years from now I will STILL tear up talking about the son I never got to raise.

The kindness of a strange...a sincere question, deed, note, etc. Can really make an individual's day, especially when they may already be having a hard day.

So...to whomever you are...THANK YOU!



Long Days and Even Longer Nights

I've been having some hard times lately...as Beckett's birthday is getting closer, it is becoming more real that this is my life.  A hard fact that I have tried so desperately not to accept.  I think inside I feel like if I don't accept this reality then it can't be happening.  How can I have a BIRTHDAY without my baby? 

I am trying to keep myself busy but it is so hard.  Images of Beckett pop into my mind constantly...mostly of the way he would look at me and smiled...sometimes it feels like he wasn't really here and other times the image is so real that I break down in utter heart ache at the pain of him being gone. 

Little did I know that living without him would be the greatest challenge of my life.  I know I have so many blessing; consistently my family is blessed but the one thing that I desire the most won't ever happen.  As we passed March 9th...the 9th of every month is a hard day...reminds me that another month has passed.  I can't believe that it has been 7 months because it feels like yesterday that I was dancing with him around the living room, since I saw him smile with his whole body...since I heard him giggle...since he stared at me while I made funny voices.  I have to be strong for my family but sometimes I feel like climbing in a whole and disappearing for just a second.  As I was crying yesterday, my dear sweet Braia came and gave me a hug...just like she use to do right after Beckett died. 

I am making digital scrapbooks of my photos and as I was going through Braia's year (2006) it reminded me SO much of Beckett, I had to stop and take breaks because I could see the resemblance in her pictures and also see Braia do things that I know that I am missing with Beckett and I couldn't see through my tears.  They look so much alike.

I read on a blog the other day:
 
Grief can make you a bitter person or Grief can make you a better person.

I truly hope that in end of all this pain, I can see a "better" person, a stronger person and a more compassionate person.  As I continue to make plans for my baby's birthday, I want to remember that this should be a Celebrating day...a day to REALLY remember his beautiful, short life. 

Report Cards

I love getting report cards and seeing how my kiddos are doing in school.  I was totally impressed with all 4 of them :)  At the end of the report cards the teacher has the option of writing notes about the student.  Well, Tatum's teacher wrote back in November that she was quiet, liked to play alone, had a hard time participating in class, etc.  I believe mostly because Beckett had just passed away right before school started, she was struggling with that fact and I know that it was affecting her at school, home, everywhere.  My little girl definitely had changed, which I know I have talked about that before.  It was so hard seeing my once happy, out-going daughter become so enclosed...she was pushing everyone away.  I hate seeing my child hurt and there was really nothing I could do to change that fact. 

This past trimester though, her teacher wrote, that she has really opened up, made lots of friends, participates, enjoys talking in front of the class...definitely the Tatum I know :)  Her teacher also added that she is a leader (yah!) but that she can be pretty bossy and mean to other kid's at times and because she is a leader, other girls follow her lead...she mentioned that we just need to talk to her about being nice to everyone and accepting everyone.  I have to admit that I am super excited that she is a leader, a great quality, but sadden by the fact that she would hurt someones feeling.   

Jed and I sat down with her and...

Jed said -  "Why are you being so bossy at school?"

Tatum - "I'm not...I'm just telling everyone what to do."

We couldn't help but laugh!  In the end, Tatum promised to be nice and to try not to tell everyone what to do :)  I am so happy that she is coming back around to the person she was...she will definitely never be the same without "her baby" but just the fact that she is smiling, laughing again makes me happy.

11 Months

Our Sweet Boy,

I hate that times keeps passing because that means it has been longer since I've held you.  I can close my eyes and picture every moment with you.  These past 7 months feel like eternity. 

It's simple...I just miss you so much my sweet baby.  Time definitely doesn't heal this wound...I will always be longing for you, to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you how much I love you and how much your family misses you.  Know that we are thinking of you this day and forever. 

Love you, Mr. Boo!

Mommy

Liar, Liar

All kid's lie, right?  Well, mine do, mostly to avoid getting in trouble.  They have learned (at least the older 2) that they wont get into trouble as long as they tell the truth.  Braia has been lying over everything these past few days...over silly stuff, really.  The other night, can't remember what I was upset about, but I caught her in a lie.  After I got the TRUTHFUL answer...she puts her hands over her eyes and starts crying out:

"How do I stop lying, I just can't stop."

Totally made me laugh and realize that she is only 5...and 5-year-olds just can't help themselves haha!

Crazy Girl

How can you not love this little thing!?  She is just so darn cute :)  She was walking around smelling her yummy pizza hehe

Babysitters

We are always using the same family every time we need a babysitter.  They have been so great to my kid's over the past few years.  So they pretty much know how crazy worried I can get :)

Last week, Jed and I decided to meet some friends for dinner and a movie.  I always freak out that the babysitter wont remember to turn the oven off or something like that, so I am usually nervous leaving my kid's with anyone that requires cooking.  So I did have Jed call the babysitter during dinner and check to make sure everything was turned off, everything seemed fine.

We headed into our movie, after dinner, and so Jed turned his phone to silent (not vibrate) Oops!  We saw Just Go With It, do not recommend it.  Anyways, Jed happened to look at his phone about half way through the movie and realized that there were a few missed calls from the house and some voicemail.  So he left the theater.  I sat there FREAKING OUT, of course thinking the worse.  I didn't know if I should go check on Jed because he was taking SO long...the poor people sitting by the aisle must have been SO annoyed with us.  I eventually go out to see what had happened and he said that he can't get a hold of them, no one is answering the phone.  The voicemail were either Addie crying OR Zeke saying:

"Mom, Dad, call so we can do it."

Not knowing what that meant...I called my mom to see if she had heard from them.  She hadn't but they had also called both my parents asking for us.  It all just seemed weird.  The movie was almost over, so we decided to finished it (Jed made me :), while my parents continued to try and get a hold of my babysitter.  We get home to a nice...quiet...house, where our babysitter was sitting peacefully on the couch watching a movie ???  We told her that we were trying to call and no one was answering.  We looked at our phone and it had DIED...which my phone does ALL the time!  Everything was okay...I guess the problem was that Addie didn't want to go to sleep (of course) and so she was crying...the other 3 kids were trying to get the babysitter to give her medicine for her ear (luckily, she didn't)...and Addie ended up like THIS in bed:

How sweet of the girls to share ALL their animals, ALL their pillows and ALL their blankets to help their baby sissy go to sleep!  Point - We NEED to get a land-line phone!

Day 1

My sister did this and I really enjoyed everyday having a different theme to blog about and thought I would do it now that she has finished her 30 days :)

Day 1

A Recent Photo of You

Most recent picture is my hair cut, I got done last week :)

Put a Smile on Your Face

Doing anything for Beckett always makes me smile.  It is one of the few moments where my heart isn't aching for him...I am obsessed with decorating his tree for each month.  Of course March is St. Patrick's Day, so out I pulled all of the GREEN decorations.  I really hope decorating his grave becomes something that my kid's look forward to every month for years to come, not only are we doing this for Beckett but also for everyone around his grave, it just makes you SMILE when you see tree. 

Sunday my family decorated his tree and had a lot of fun!  Each kid was so excited to hang something on the tree, February only adults hung things.  His tree is NOW the greenest thing around :)

 

The End

of Judi's House.  On Wednesday we finished our 10 week group, the kid's were sad that it was ending and asked if they can come back.  They have an on-going group that meets 2 times a month that we will be participating in for awhile.

On the last night we made a quilt square that they sew together with everyone else in our group and then it is hung somewhere at Judi's House.  I have the hardest time "sharing" because I want it to look perfect but with 8 little hands reaching, placing, pulling, grabbing, I finally had to let go and let them decorate it, it turned out pretty nice, with his beautiful face!