"I'm Falling to Pieces"

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words can stop the bleeding
(Breakeven by: The Script)

Most days we hold it together. Things are slowly getting "better." I still miss him every second of every day. It seems like a dream that he was here. How can such a new, little person quickly come into your life and just as fast leave us with an everlasting impression on our hearts? It still stings. I honestly don't know how I am keeping things together because when I start to let my mind wander to memories of my baby, it aches. Sometimes I can't breathe, sometimes I can't stop crying...I want to be with him so bad. The ONLY reason that I am here is because of my other children. I KNOW who is taking care of Beckett for me. My kids definitely are keeping me grounded. They have experienced so much that I don't want them to hurt anymore.

I am still so worried about Tatum. She is not the same person. I don't know how to help her. She is pushing everyone away. She is sad, quiet and has a huge wall up. I don't know how to break it down. If I could only take her pain on me and make all the hurt go away I would. This is my worst fears coming true...losing a child and then trying not to "lose" any other kids. I don't want this to affect them the rest of their lives. With Beckett only being here for 4 short months, he definitely has left a gap in everyone's heart...not just mine.

she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile...
breathe, just breathe
take the world off your shoulders
and put it on me
breathe, just breathe

(Breathe by: Ryan Star)

This is definitely what I wish Tatum (and my other children) could do...put all of their pain on me. I will gladly suffer for everyone if it meant that they would no longer hurt. I am trying to do everything I can think of to get them help. We just got them started into a program called Judi's House that deals with kid's 3 and up that have lost someone close to them. They had such a fun time at the information night. They keep asking when they get to go back. I am sure that they feel like I do...once Beckett died, all I wanted to do was talk to someone else that has lost a child...they need to be around other children that are experienece the same things because then they know they aren't alone...aren't the only kid's grieving.

We should start the program in November (they have you wait at least 3 months after the death) and I am so antzy to get them started. Zeke is doing the program "Healing with Horses" and loves it. He got to actually ride the horse this week and was a little nervous. That program has definitely helped Zeke verbalize his feelings about what has happened.

We passed 50 days...which was hard...I miss him more and more each day. I know that he is looking down on us and hopefully he is proud at how our family is handling things (the best we can right now). I know that Beckett would want us happy. I know that he would want us to not hurt. I know that I'll see him again someday. I ache for the day when I can hug and squeeze him again.

My first "normal" post

I figure that I need to still document my other children.  So since school started about 6 weeks ago, I think it is about time that I posted about each one's first day.

My baby boy, which seems like he was just born yesterday, started SECOND grade!  Can I really be that old?  He got the teacher that we REALLY wanted.  He is doing so well.  His teacher has dealt with other kids that have experienced a loss as well and is really taking care of Zeke.  We feel truly blessed that he is in this class this year.  We love him and hope that he excels in school this year!

Tator Tot started Kindergarten.  She has been so excited all summer to finally get to go to the "big kid" school.  Again, she got the teacher that we REALLY wanted and is having a good year.  Beckett's death has been the hardest on her and she is slowly adjusting to school.  She has days when she begs to stay home, which is not normal behavior for her, but she always ends up happy after school.  I hope that she grows and learns so much this year.  She is a great blessing to our family.

Bray-Bear asks everyday (during the summer) if today she goes to school.  She was very inpatient for the school year to begin.  She is not only in preschool BUT in Pre-K AND at the other kids SCHOOL.  She feels like one of them and I have to admit that it is very nice to have them all at one school.  We miss our old preschool though.  I have been told twice this year (already) about how smart Braia is, the teacher is amazed at how far along she is...she is starting to read and really enjoys learning.  She has transitioned well so far this school year.  Love ya Bear!

All 3 of them started school on different days (crazy) So this is the first day that all 3 of them went to school together.  (Goofy Tatum)

It wouldn't be right to not talk about the other kiddos.  So Adleigh didn't start school but she had a big change...about a week after the funeral, I was preoccupied (of course) and Braia and Addie were outside playing great...or so I thought...when Adleigh comes inside and says, "I cut my hair."  I freaked...I guess Braia decided that Addie needed her hair cut and chopped it ALL off.  We went and got her hair fixed as best we could...she just cut more off one side and then cut around the ear on the other side...its just a mess.  I had just spent the last year growing Addie's hair out from the last big chop off and now have to start all over.  After her hair cut, she kept walking around saying "I'm a boy."  Little stinker...but she is still too cute to be a boy :)

We visit Beck every Wednesday and Sunday evenings.  The kid's enjoy going there and playing around.  It is just so peaceful and I get to feel a little bit closer to Beckett.  People have told me that I will get to the point where I wont need to go to the grave as much because "he just wont be there anymore."  But for now, I want to be as close to him as I can get and this works for me.  This picture doesn't do his grave justice...his spot is now the GREENist spot around (thanks to my mom who brings miracle grow and 9 gallons of water every week).  We are getting ready to plant his tree on my birthday at the cemetery.  I picked a tree that blossoms pink (because its my favorite color). 

The "Second-Class" Grievers

It must be very difficult to be a man in grief

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong" no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult to stand up to the test

And field calls and visitors so she can get some rest

They always ask if shes alright and whats shes going through

But seldom take his hand and ask "my friend but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night and thinks his heart will break

He drys his tears and comforts her but "stays strong" for her sake

It must be very difficult to start each day anew

And try to be so very brave he lost his baby too

He is forgotten.  I feel bad because I know that he feels he needs to be strong for my sake and for the kid's.  Jed is a very sensitive guy.  I have seen him cry many times, over different things.  He is hurting just as much as me.  I think when you are in the moment, you feel that no one can feel the way you do.  At least, that is how I felt.  We are always grieving at different times and I seem to (more than him) get frustrated that he is not "grieving right,"  because he isn't crying like me or depressed like me...so he must not miss Beckett enough.  How wrong I have been...I found him breaking down last night and I felt crushed.  It made me realize...he lost his baby too.  It's not all about me...it is about us. 

 

I want to come out of this trial with a stronger relationship with my spouse.  I don't want this to tear apart our relationship.  This is the time when we should hold strong together.  Be there for each other when the other is down.  I know that Beckett wouldn't want his family to fall apart because of his absence.  Men and Women grieve in different ways.  This I have learned...probably the hard way.  No more will I tell him he isn't grieving right or not enough.  I don't want to add to hurt that he is already feeling from the loss of his son.  I want to be there strong for him...like he has for me.  Jed found this poem and loved it:   

 

 You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

Better In Time

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Words that I need to live by.  I feel like I can't live without him.  Even though I have four other beautiful children to live for...I feel like something is missing...him.  I've been told that it's always going to hurt as bad as it does now...not very comforting.  Right now, I don't want my hurt to go away because I want to feel it, it's the last feeling Beckett has left me with.  Everyone says to find a "new normal."  How can I find a "normal" when part of my heart is missing?  I don't want to find a new normal because then that is really accepting that he is gone...I'm not sure if I am ready to accept that.  My mind knows that he is gone and not coming back...it's my heart that can't believe it. 

We really did love Beckett.  You couldn't help yourself but give him a big squeeze when you see him.  You couldn't help but kiss his chunky neck.  That sweet baby was fought over by everyone...it hurts so much because we loved him so much.  I show affection to my kid's by telling them over and over how much I love them, how special they are and how much they are wanted by us.  I show them by kissing them and hugging them all the time.  It aches because I can't show Beckett that I still care.  At least right now, I wont get to tell him how wanted he was by our family.  How excited his brother was to have him.  How wonderful his sisters were to him. 

Smile.  I've smiled.  I've laughed.  Sometimes it feels fake.  Most of the time I feel guilty.  I don't think I should be happy because that means that I didn't love him enough or I don't miss him enough.  I know in my heart that I can be happy again but not sure when it wont feel forced.  I love my family so much.  I know that my kid's want me to be happy.  I know that it bothers them when I cry.  They make comments letting me know that they want to be back to "normal."  I know they wont forget Beckett.  Tatum and Braia are always writing his name on pictures they draw.  He will always be apart of our life.  I want to look back and smile because of those four wonderful months we had with him and not think of the forty years we missed out on.  I want to smile when I think of him and not sting because he's gone.

Better in time.  I know it will.  It just seems like it's going to take forever to feel "okay" with him gone.  If ever.  I know that our life needs to continue on for the sake of our other children.  I just want to feel myself again, instead of this heaviness in my chest.  I want to wake up each morning happy instead of remembering only that he is gone.  I know it will get "Better in Time,"  it just seems like miles away for that to happen.   

Today I received the information we have been waiting for...all of Beck's tests came back negative for EVERYTHING...so they are saying that it was indeed SIDS.  Hearing the news I started crying all over again.  It tells me that I couldn't have done ANYTHING to save my baby and it really sucks.  I thought I would feel better once everything was completed but for some reason I just feel worse...I really, really miss my baby.

Patience

Something that I don't have much of. I feel like my whole life is a waiting game. Growing up I couldn't "wait till...” I thought life got better, if only I was 16...then 18...etc. I was never happy with my life at that moment; I just wanted to grow up. Now that I am "grown" it definitely isn't easy. As kids, you think that you can map out your life and things will just fall into place. Not what I have planned but this is NOW my life.

I have always struggled with Patience. I couldn't wait to be a mother. 9 months pregnant with Zeke felt like years...then I couldn't wait to have another baby. Then we surprisingly got pregnant quickly with Braia after Tatum. I was so excited. Wanting to have the baby now mentality got me in trouble...Braia ended up coming 9 weeks early, which I thought was "great." Not realizing that I would have to again...wait...to bring her home after a long 5 weeks. I remember telling Jed that I must not have learned this lesson because every trial, up till that point, in my life had to do with waiting. I guess God was trying to teach me that things are on his time, not mine. Thinking I had "learned" that lesson...I got another chance to learn it again when Beckett was born. Luckily this time he was only in the NICU for 2 weeks.

Now I have the ultimate patience test...I can't wait until I can be reunited with my precious boy. 32 days since he left our family and it seems like forever. I am afraid that I am going to forget things...the way he smelled, if I close my eyes I can still smell him. Forget the way I rubbed his head and face while he was sleeping. Forget the way he would just look at me so seriously and then bust into a big smile. Forget the way he would "talk" to me, oh gosh, to hear his sweet little voice. I just don't want to forget and I don't want our family to forget him.

I overheard a conversation between my 2 girls in the car the other day, this is what I heard:

Braia: My heart hurts.
Tatum: Mine does too.
Braia: It hurts right here. When does it stop hurting?
Tatum: I don't know.
Braia: Why did Beckett die?
Tatum: I don't know.
Braia: Why did he stop breathing?
Tatum: I just don't know.

Broken my heart. I don't even know how to answer those questions. When will our hearts stop hurting? If ever. It still is has fresh as it was that night. Braia hasn't really talked about Beckett much since he died. She has really been sweet to me though. I have been crying a lot and I told her that if she ever sees me crying, she needs to give me a hug. Literally EVERY time she is around and I am crying, she stops whatever she is doing and gives me a hug and then goes back to whatever she was doing. She hasn't been too vocal about this whole situation but hearing the conversation between her and Tatum was touching.

Beckett would have been 5 months on Tuesday. I found myself thinking a lot about him that day. He would probably be rolling around by now, using his hands to hold toys. It was a really hard day. I spent most of the day crying on and off. Finally, Tatum said, "how about you don't look at anymore videos or pictures of Beckett, then you won’t cry anymore." I have to remind her that I want to look at them and cry. I miss him.

I love music. I listen to all types...country, rap, alternative, oldies, Christian, etc. Diamond Rio has the perfect song that fits everything that I am feeling at this moment:

One More Day
Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

Exactly how I feel...I just want One More Day to be with him but I know that it will never be enough. So…I am left to wait until we are together again. Whenever that shall be...

Video - August 7, 2010

Forever in Our Hearts, Always on Our Minds

Dressing and Last Visit

Again, since I treat this blog as a journal, I am posting some pictures of my last few moments with Beckett, so please be advised of what you could potentially see.

Jed and I got to go visit with Beckett by ourselves Thursday afternoon.  I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was to see him because the last time I had seen him was the night he left me.  I had been a wreck most of the morning.  When we walked into that room and saw him laying in the bassinet...it was the hardest thing I ever had to witness, was to see my baby laying there still.  I immediately broke down and picked him up and just cried. 

How could this be happening?  I couldn't stop crying and holding his sweet chubby hands.  Immediately I searched for his tiny foot and gasped when I could still feel his sharp toenails...it felt like him, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to tell it was my baby...how silly as it sounds, I use to rub his sharp toenails while I nursed him, I could never cut them short enough and it drove me crazy...but to feel it again was memorable.

 

I couldn't let go of his hand, I missed his gentle squeeze.  He would never just hold your hand, he would grip your fingers and then release and grip again and release...Jed and I then noticed how peaceful the room began to feel.  I all of sudden was calmed.  We just started reminiscing about all the silly things Beckett used to do or the kid's would do with him...laughter mixed with tears...bittersweet. 

As Jed took his turn to hold his "little monster," as he called him, it finally hit him and he just broke down.  I have seen my husband cry before but I never seen the pain and sorrow in his eyes as I did that afternoon.  It makes you realize how things can just change in a matter of seconds.  Jed started to talk about all the ancestors he is meeting and greeting in heaven...talking about the things that our grandparents that have passed are probably doing with Beckett...playing cards with our grandma's, drinking root beer with my grandpa...it is comforting to know that he is with our family that has passed.  Even though I know he is with Heavenly Father...knowing that my Grandparents are taking care of him warms my heart a bit.

Beckett was surely loved and wanted by Jed and I.  We were so proud of our new baby boy.  His brother was excited to FINALLY not be the only boy.  His sisters fought relentlessly over who gets to take care of him.  I am sure in Heaven, everyone is fighting over who gets to show him around...or tell him more about his parents.

 

That day was special.  It was the 3 of us.  We left that afternoon feeling peaceful.  He will always be our SWEET BABY BOY.

The next day we went back with most of the family and dressed him for the funeral.  I was worried because I really wanted him to wear his blessing outfit, which was huge a few weeks before but Beckett got chunky fast.  Luckily, it fit him perfectly.  He looked like a little man. 

Everyone there got a chance to hold him, say their goodbyes.  Tatum and Adleigh held him one last time.  Zeke was stand offish...but finally came around and held his brother and kissed his cold cheek.  Braia didn't feel comfortable holding him.  I really wanted his siblings to get a chance to say goodbye to their for always baby brother.

No matter how hard that week was and how sad my life seems to be right now.  I feel so blessed to have dressed him and took time to be with him before he was buried.  It was an honor to be that precious boys mom.  I feel blessed to have known him.  I always thought he was special, doesn't every mom though, but he really was.  He was such a great baby and loved to be held.  Nothing ever bothered him. 

The week before he died, we switched him to formula.  I complained to everyone about how whinny he had become unless he was being held BUT looking back...he must have known...because if he was being held, he was happy.  He probably knew his time was short and just wanted to be cuddled a little bit more.  I am starting to feel small moments of peace.  I know that the prayers coming from all around the world (thank you!) are helping my family...I never thought I could go through something like this and the fact that I am out of bed...shows that prayer works.  Thank you to all our friends and family. 

Almost

Trying to edit through the dressing day and funeral day pictures has been tough.  I can only handle so many pictures before I am crying so hard that I can't view them anymore.  I know that this is suppose to hurt but it just aches.  I need to follow Adleigh's nonchalant advice...'it a good day mom...right?'  Maybe I am wallowing in self pity.