Just When I think...

Just when I think things are getting better...they stop.  This week has been crazy - and it is only Tuesday :(  I guess it really started last week with Tatum but has definitely continued into this week.  I am not sure if I am getting a glimpse of her upcoming teenage years OR something else is going on with her.  Lately, she is giving me no answers.

I don't even know where to begin because so much has gone on.  She has been an emotional wreck.  Last Saturday at her cheer game I noticed she was acting different.  The group of girls were talking, laughing and socializing - Tatum was standing off from the group...starring into space.  Completely unaware of people around her.  She didn't want to do her cheers.  She mostly stood there clapping her hands - very enthusiastically (insert sarcasm here).  I think I began worrying about her from that moment. 

On Sunday, my girls were asked to sing a verse of a song during the Primary Program.  Thrilled that they were getting this opportunity - I practiced with them relentlessly all last week.  They did SO well at home, even Adleigh would sing - loud!  When we showed up at church I was informed that they were first to start the program...Tatum immediately started to get nervous.  My mom had promised them that if they did well she would give them a BIG treat.  It was a disaster...almost.  Braia sang the entire song - basically by herself.  Adleigh laughed - but tried to sing.  Tatum laughed the entire time - then she kept stepping up and down on the stairs - ughhhh.  Irritated.  Embarrassed.  Still proud that they at least gave got up in front of 200 people.  At the end, Tatum was told that she was not going to get her treat because she didn't sing at all...she curled up in my lap and broke down into tears.  Weird.  She hasn't done that since she was 5.  I don't know - the behavior is just so unlike her :(

 She came home from school yesterday with her hair cut.  She decided she wanted bangs...she LOVES her hair - I feel like she is being destructive.  With herself.

I have gotten a few emails from her teacher this school year...already.  Mostly just trying to get her to remember to take her homework home...and to return it the next day.  I am a SUPER control freak after school to make sure that each kid does their reading, math, spelling and writing homework (even Adleigh wants to have homework - so I have been making up something for her to do every day as well.)  Her teacher emailed me last week saying that she hadn't turned in homework all week and that I needed to make sure that she did it.  I just happened to be driving into my garage when I saw her homework folder on the floor - under the van.  I literally wanted to scream - I went straight to the school to give the folder to her teacher so he could see that she had done her homework all week.  I got another email last night.  Tatum was late to school yesterday.  She shouldn't have been...I know I dropped her off 10 minutes early because the kids like to play on the playground before the bell rings.  I talked with her this morning and it took a bit to get the truth out (again, she never lies to me - at least not like this.) 

I am at a loss.  I don't know what to do with her.  How to help her.  She has taken a month off from therapy because our schedules have been so busy and obviously she REALLY needs to go. I am just tired.  I feel like we wouldn't be having this much of  a problem if Beckett hadn't died.  Not that I can blame all her behavior on that but I KNOW that it still effects her, daily.  I still have horrible, bad days...I'm sure she is the same.  

My kids do not get excuses for their behavior anymore, even though they are probably now grieving.  It takes children much longer to have reality hit.  Their little minds are trying to protect them for so long - only allowing a small bit of information and understanding in at a time.  Tatum is growing and maturing - she is constantly telling me that it is not fair that she doesn't get to "spend time" with Beckett anymore.  I agree.  It is not fair.  Instead of bring treated with gentle gloves, like she was in the beginning, they have been taken off...we really need to put them back on.

The world doesn't realize that our world has been altered forever...as in never ending. I will never stop hurting for my baby, I will never forget that day and our family will never feel complete...ever. I'm glad that those around us don't have to live a life like mine but for me...I have to always live it.  As does Tatum.  She will never be the same.  How can I except her to be a "normal" 7-year old girl...she has had to grow up so much over the past 2 years.  She experienced something that most adults wont ever be exposed to.  She is the girl with a broken smile...

Beauty queen of only eighteen (Or Seven!)

She had some trouble with herself...

I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Looking for the girl with the broken smile...

And she will be loved

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that move us along

...my door's always open

You can come anytime you want

I know you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

She will be loved

(She will be Loved by Maroon 5) 

Goodbye means nothing at all...exactly.  To us...it has never been a "Goodbye" - it is more like a "See You Later."   I need Tatum to understand this.  No matter how hard it is to live without him - we will be with him again someday.

(July 2010)

Big Boy PJs

Ain't he precious!!!??

Nananananananana BATMAN!!

Linny - Spencer AND Water World

Lindsey and Spencer came to visit.  Yeah!

We headed over to Water World - the last weekend they were open!

We had such a great time.

My kids are so lucky to have such a great Aunt and Uncle who enjoy spending time with them!

Love you guys!!

XOXO

Last Hur-AHHHH

I am far behind on my blogging...ahhhh...and have about 900 (insert eye roll here!) pictures to still edit through.  I have been super busy with the kids back in school...I thought I would have more time on my hands.  

We traveled to visit my sister for a long weekend after school started.  We had a wonderful time visiting with them.  They are always so welcoming to have us there, even though we are like a TORNADO when we come rolling into her QUIET house :-)

While we were there we went to the coolest park ever - even the men were playing around!

Of course we had to go swimming at least once...they have a really nice Rec Center with a GREAT pool!

Dogs...of course...Lindsey-Lou the animal lover.  My kids LOVE her dogs.  Tiggers started out scared to death - I mean he couldn't even look at them and if they looked at him he would start swinging his arms and screaming.  It was so funny.  Then it got to the point where he COULD look at them but if they looked towards him OR started to get close to him he would, again, throw his arms around and scream.

By the 2nd day he was okay to touch them - but they could NOT look at him still.  He did NOT want their heads near him.  He would pet them and ran away yelling, "Yah!"

By the 3rd day...well, these pictures speak for themselves.  Can I say GROSS!!??  Needless to say I washed him VERY well - mouth included - once we got home :-)

A Break Through.

As I have mentioned before, we started Tatum and Zeke in therapy a few months ago.  They both were struggling with their emotions, behaviors and confidence.  I have really tried to get my children the help that I felt they needed since Beckett died.  I rushed them into support groups,etc. but what helped the most was meeting other children in our unfortunate circumstances.  They were most comfortable being around other children that had lost a sibling...rarely did they even talk about Beckett...but they liked not feeling alone or different.  When I realized that they needed extra help - we found some as soon as possible.

I have gone back and forth between my children on worrying over them.  One minute Zeke would be having some issues...and then Tatum...and then Braia....then back to Zeke, etc.  I have talked a lot about Zeke...since the beginning he has ignored any feelings regarding Beckett's death.  Acted as though it never bothered him - even to the point where he felt most comfortable NOT telling people about him.  I worried because I didn't want him to suppress all his feelings...forever.  Eventually I knew he needed to release them.  I felt that he didn't have the tools to know how to communicate those emotions, nor did I know how to teach him either.  It comes easy to me to talk about things - I didn't know how to break down his barriers.  A few months into therapy I started to see a change...last year in school he made it a HUGE point that he didn't want to talk about Beckett at school, he didn't want anyone to know about him or anything that had happened.  He didn't like feeling different AND, I believe, that he was still hurting so much.  

This year, on the first week of school the teacher sent home a questionnaire sheet and a small paper bag.  They had to answer the questions by bringing in an object to show the class.  It had questions from what is your favorite color, to what was your favorite family trip, to the happiest day of your life, etc.  One of the questions was:

What was the worst day you have experienced?

Pausing to watch his expression.  He asked me if he could say that Beckett dying was the worst day of his life.  Shocked.  He then asked if he could take a picture of him to school to show the class.  He really wanted to take a HUGE picture of him holding Beck.  It wouldn't fit in the bag - he settled on taking our families favorite picture:

I asked Zeke, "are you really going to show the picture and talk about him...don't feel like you have to."  He assured me that he really wanted his class to know about his "baby brother."  I even asked him again that morning - just to let him know that if he didn't feel comfortable talking about Beckett - he didn't have to - again, he replied that he really wanted to talk about him.  After school, impatiently waiting by his door, I asked him about his presentation.  He said it went really well, everyone wanted to see his brother and the class told him that it must be really hard to not have Beck here.  I think it helped Zeke to see that people were understanding - he didn't feel judged.  

This experience showed me that he IS healing...and that he has learned some new tools during therapy.  He is okay talking about him now.  He is including him in his family drawings, stories, etc.  He doesn't freak out when I bring him up.  He told me recently that he didn't like talking about him because I always cried - he told me he realizes that it is good to talk about him and it is okay if I cry sometimes.  He also told me that it is okay if I still cry about Beckett...because he is my son and I "miss holding him."

Remember the crowded room that Zeke is in (read here.)...he is realizing that we hear him and we want to help him.  He isn't alone in dealing with this. 

Gooooooo...Piiiiiirates!!

Tay had her first cheer game.  I remembered last year how ridiculously hot it was...basically unbearable...and so this year, at the first game, I remembered to bring our pool/beach umbrella - made it SO much better!  Tay did wonderful.  She was excited to be back out in front of the crowd.  This year they are doing many more cheers/stunts - their halftime show was just amazing!

Tatum got so tired of me taking pictures!!

Tigs wanted to play with the Cheerleaders' Poms.  He kept running up there to grab them the minute they placed them on the ground.  The girls' love him - they remember him as a teeny tiny 2 month old from last summer!  We keep joking that he should be the mascot since he wants to be up there so bad.  

School Year 2012-2013

I am still in awe that I have a 4th, 2nd, 1st and Pre-K aged children.  When did I get so old?  Or when did they!? 

Our Family Angel

1st Day of School