Simple Prayer

"Bless that Jesus can down again so that we can see Beckett again."

Braia says in almost every prayer.

It's been awhile and I am still trying to put my thoughts together.  10 weeks 6 days and it doesn't get any easier.  I find myself talking to him constantly in my head...about that dreadful day, about my feelings, about missing him, etc.  Not sure if that is so "normal" but to me, it's the closet thing I can do with him. 

Zeke finished his "Healing with Horses" program and LOVED it.  He had "Family Night" this last Tuesday and it was nice going and seeing what he has learned about horses and seeing him ride them.  We also participated in the opening circle.  Basically you go around the room and say your name, who died and how they died.  When it got to my mom (who was before me) I couldn't stop crying.  It's just weird.  Sometimes I am fine and sometimes I can't pull my crap together.  I love talking about Beckett.  I wish that everyone understood or knew that.  I hate when people ignore me.  I hate when people talk to me like nothing has changed.  What everyone should understand about me...and most of those that I have talked to that have lost a child...LOVE TALKING ABOUT THEIR BABY.  Don't be scared to ask how we are doing...don't be shy to tell us a memory you have of them (I'd love that one.)...just don't act like there is an elephant in the room. 

I always try and weasel BECKETT into every conversation...even if it has nothing to do with him.  I'd just say things like, "Yea, before Beckett..." or "When Beckett was here..."  I just want others to know how much I want to talk about him.  He is still SO much apart of me.  He NOW lives through me. 

Back to the Horse Program...so once it got to me, I could barely even say my "line."  Then we did an art project - Horse Ornament - with pictures/messages to Beckett to hang on the horse.  Adleigh and Tatum really got into the project and made quite a few ornaments for Beck.  Then we headed outside to see Zeke with his horse, his horses name was 'Pebbles.'  He did amazing.  He rode him so comfortably.  He felt so proud to have his family watching him.  Zeke even got to ride the horse while he ran, crazy scary for me watching!  This program was a good outlet for Zeke.  Being around a few other kids that have lost someone special and having that bond was what he needed. 

Braia didn't get to come with us, she had dance.  She has been finally letting her feelings show about what has happened.  I got a call from the school psychologist because she is really acting out the death through her play.  She is just a little confused about what happened and she is angry.  When I asked her about what she is playing at school, she said...

Braia - Babies

Me - Are the babies dying?

Braia - Yes, because all babies die.

Me - All babies don't die.  Beckett's body just stopped working but most babies live.

Braia - Well, our babies die.

I didn't know what to say.  I feel horrible that my kid's aren't innocent anymore.  At least about death.  I hate that they have to deal with this.  I hate how they are hurting.  Thinking that Braia wasn't really effected by this was so wrong.  She is always playing that her babies are dying...because she didn't do something.  I keep telling her that there was nothing anyone could do to save Beckett.  I told her when I found him, I ran to the first person that I KNEW could help, then the ambulance showed up, the doctors at the hospital tried...there was nothing anyone could do.  She is slowly understanding but how can a 4 year old REALLY understand something that I, a 28-year old, is struggling with?

A song that is constantly sticking in my mind lately is "Happily Ever After"  the song itself doesn't apply but the chorus ALWAYS hits me...pretty hard:

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know
Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

Will I end up happy...be able to be happy with my life without my baby in it?  I guess that is the question on my mind lately.

Attitude is Gratitude

Listening to conference this morning and hearing the wonderful talks, I realized, by listening to President Monson's talk about Gratitude, that I have not taken the time to thank God for every moment of those four months with Beckett. I have been so focused on everything I am missing and angry over not seeing/having...but I never thanked him for those precious moments and the trust he had in me to give us Beckett.

I feel honored as Beckett's mother. He was such a serious baby and very simple. He was easily entertained. He was happiest when he was just held and would stare at whomever was holding him. He brought so much joy into our family. He taught my children service, by them attending to his needs and learning that sometimes their needs had to wait because Beckett needed to eat or be changed. He taught me patience and self-less-ness. He has now taught me to cherish every moment of my life. Not worry about the little things. To enjoy every chance I have to spend time with each of my children.

I am so thankful for Beckett. Thankful we had 4 months to know him, love him and be with him. Thankful for the memories...good and hard...thankful for the moments I was up late at night with him, to just be with him...thankful for the love he showed each member of his family...thankful that he made our life richer with his presence. I am so thankful I got to hear him laugh and coo. Thankful that I got to see him roll over. Thankful I got to see him discover his hands. Thankful that he got to go swimming with our family every Monday night for Family Home Evening. I am so Thankful that he is apart of my family.

I am trying hard to not think about what I missed or what I want back...but for what I had and will have in the future.

"...wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." -Epictetus

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I saw this video on another blog and it was truley inspirational. This family isn't experiening what we are but their outlook on their "trial" is admirable. 2 things stood out to me that they said:

She says "I am grateful for this trial, and it's a blessing even though its hard and it's challenging and it will be for a while."

and Her Husband says "...turn to him either to thank him for the happy times or to pray for his help in the hard times."