Beck's V-Day

We decorated Beck's grave this past weekend for Valentine's Day.  The kids decided to also decorate his gravestone with pine cones...seriously no other baby is loved as much as beck IS.  I absolutely LOVE the sign that I found for him this year.  It says:

LOVE is a moment that last forever.

I miss my baby more than anything. 

Our January 2012

Pictures that I wanted to post but didn't...

I just love my family, we have the best times! 

BRAY GOT THESE PRESS ON NAILS FOR HER BIRTHDAY - THEY LASTED ABOUT 10 MINUTES

ZEE'S FIRST PRESENTATION - HE DID AMAZING!

7 Months

I know I say it every month but...Really, 7 months old already! I feel like he just turned 6 months.

 

(Yes, Tigs...I feel the same way, shocked :)
Tiggers

7 Months Old

January 29, 2012

Nicknames:

Tiggers (of course!)

Tigs

Baby Boy

Boo-Boo

Tigger-Wiggers

Old Lady (Read...Here)

Teag-O - By my Dad, Popper

My Love
Chuck'O'Lunk

The Past Month:

Grew another tooth...he now has 2 bottom teeth

Rolling all over the place
Can go from a sitting to a laying down position

Celebrated his first New Year's

Likes to dance...and jump

Wants to stand up

Pulls himself to a standing by holding on to your fingers

Says Mama, Dada, Lala, Baba - Baby talk - he doesn't relate words to objects

Laughs - Mostly at Zee

A great sleeper - most nights

Loves his swing, jumperoo, high chair and saucer

Starting eating food!!  Tastes of our food, rice cereal, baby jar foods, etc.

Tried laying him in a crib - likes to play but not sleep - will wake up screaming

My Sweet Big Boy,

You are such a joy!  We love every minute with you.  You make the world brighter with your smile, hugs and kisses.  I love how you are a Mommy's boy.  Funny that you would really go to anyone until the doctor told us at your 6 month appointment that you should start having separation anxiety and from that moment its like you heard him say that and started doing it :)  Words cannot express the love that I have for you.  I love you more than anything - you are so wanted and loved by everyone in the house.  I love how you are a cuddler and want to be held all.the.time.  I don't mind that I get nothing done during the day because I spend every second with you and your sisters.  Your siblings each adore you - you will always be taken care of, if not by me then by them.  They are constantly stealing you away from me!

Keep growing my love!

Love, 

Mommy

The Many Faces of my Tig-Tigs...he has gotten SO funny!! 

Big Helper

(Beck trying to have belly time with a big sister trying to HUG him) 

I've talked a lot about the relationship that Addie had with Beck...it was simply special.  Everyone was so worried about how Addie would react once Beck was born - she was a spoiled brat - who I loved more than anything.  She was a very sick baby.  In and out of the hospital 3 times her first year with different illness - 20+ ear infections before her doctor finally let her get tubes in her ears - her struggle with speech.  It has just been one problem after another with her when she was younger - luckily now she is healthy, happy but still very much spoiled.  My parents always say that she runs the family...I don't agree with that!  Anyways, when Beck was born she was amazing, almost like a switch went off and she grew into this loving big sister.  Besides Tay, she probably spent the most time with him - just loving him.  She was always trying to help him...giving him lots of squeezes and kisses.  She called him "Honey."  If he ever was crying she would come running and say, "I coming, Honey!"  She also called him, "My baby."  I would joke around with her that he was MY BABY and she would always tell me "Nope, he's MY BABY!"  I remember thinking how completely lucky I was that everyone loved him...no jealously or hatred...pure innocent LOVE.  I know that Addie didn't understand much when Beck died...but I do know that she missed him.  If he was here today...without a doubt I know that they would have this special bond and friendship.  She just loved him.  Of course, I do think she understood one thing MORE than most of us because she was always telling me to not cry...Beck's happy, he's in heaven.

Once Beck died - she replaced my aching arms.  I turned her back into a baby.  I held her.  She wasn't my big girl anymore.  I think at first it was hard for her because she had grown up in those 4 months but eventually she let me baby her again.  She reverted back into the spoiled, whinny baby that I loved but everyone else struggled with.  I've said it before but she saved me...if it wasn't for her I don't know if I would have made it through those first months.  Her spurts of wisdom and her ability to allow me to rock her like a baby was what I needed in those months.  She is my buddy - she is my baby girl!

When Tiggers was born I figured that this miraculous change would happen again and she would just love Tigs.  The change never happened.  I created a monster OR she THOUGHT that a baby (Beck), who she deeply cared about, was only here for a short time and left...why did she need to get to know this baby, who would probably leave as well?  It has taken awhile but I finally feel that Addie loves Tiggers as much as she loved Beck.  She LOVES playing with him...holding him...she get's upset when she hears him cry.  If I ever get frustrated with Tigs, Addie will ALWAYS tell me to not "talk that way" to Tiggers.  She has the funniest nicknames for him...for example, she calls him Tigger-Wiggers MOST of the time but lately she calls him "Old Lady" Yah, confused too.  Not sure where that name came from but she ALWAYS, at least once a day, will YELL:

What you lookin' at Old Lady!

Funny story...we were eating out at a restaurant in the middle of the week...I think EVERY older person was there...and she kept yelling out, "What you lookin' at Old Lady," Every little old lady would look our way with a horrid look on their face.  We kept trying to get her to stop saying it but she didn't understand that it was offending people around here.  Tiggers always laughs when she says it which it why she probably wont ever stop calling him that.  Anyways, she loves him...now.  I believe she doesn't think he will "leave" either because I don't get the questions about death - Baby - Beck - Tiggers...which is good.  She is slowly becoming that wonderful big sister...Tiggers is getting more use to her, for awhile every time she was around his eyes would widen and you could tell he was just waiting for her to do "something."  He has relaxed and I see him get so excited when she yells in his face or tickles his belly.  I love seeing my children interact with each other...makes life a bit sweeter.   

Reposted - No Empty Arms

People have been asking WHY hospitals do this...give out Bears to Mother's that have just lost a child.  Thinking of it...it does seem silly.  BUT what it comes down to...is their principal:

A Mother's arms should NOT leave empty.

I have already admitted that when they handed this Bear to me...I didn't want it.  I wanted to THROW IT.  I mean...I just had to hand over the most precious part of me - to a stranger - and I "get" to walk out of the hospital holding a teddy bear.  That night - walking out of the hospital - was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, my feet were dragging - I could have held Beck longer - no time was long enough.  Jed and I didn't talk.  We drove silently home - Bear still in my arms.  At this point, looking back, I am not sure why I was still holding it.  We walked into the house.  Sat on the couch.  Starred into space - wondering if this was really happening.  Did my baby really die...or was this all a dream that I so desperately wanted to wake up from...for days really, I wondered this.

Moments later laying down in bed.  Crying.  Still holding that bear.  In between minutes of sleep (mostly from exhaustion) I cried into Jed - crying out my son's name.  That Bear was still in my arms.  The next morning I placed it on my dresser and Beck's hat was sitting there - slowly I placed his hat nicely on this Bear's head.  That hat has never left his head.  

For months I didn't touch that Bear - even had a hard time looking at it.  I kept telling Jed that I needed to pack it away with the rest of Beck's stuff but it still never got moved.  I thought I really didn't care about it- it was just something that someone had given me on the worst day of my life.

Probably 9 months after Beck's death I walked into my room and that Bear was moved - knocked over and on the floor.  Freaking out inside I ran over to grab it and place it back in that spot until I noticed that one of the other kids had gotten toothpaste on it.  Yelling for Jed to come clean him - with tears in my eyes as I watched Jed clean the Bear up while telling me that it was 'okay.'  That day I realized that this Bear wasn't just any Bear...it was MY Bear, My Beckett Bear.  From that moment on I let the kid's hold him - they all have since wanted a "Beckett Bear" of their own, to wear one of Beck's smallest outfits.  

My Bear was one of the first things that I placed in my bedroom when we moved a year later - back on my dresser to watch over us as we pass by him daily - sometimes hourly - but I can look at the bear and think of my Sweet Beckett.  It is no longer a reminder of that horrible day BUT a symbol of my baby boy, wearing his hat.

That is why these Bears are so special.  My Bear may have not meant much in the beginning but he has become so special to our family.

Baby Food...Yum?

Getting Tigs to eat baby food is a chore in itself.  He HATES the stuff.  Smart boy.  It all does taste nasty...poor Tay knew that baby food fruit is yummy and when I opened up a Turkey dinner for Tigs - she thought it would taste good to...so of course I let her take a BIG bite, while having a big smile on my face!  She about threw up, everyone was laughing.  She kept saying that it wasn't fair to feed that GROSS stuff to "her baby Tiggers."

Pictures of the first time Tiggers ate some food - LOVE the faces!  He never knew what hit him when he took that first bite AND since then he will NOT let us get a spoon in his mouth - he has iron closed lips!  We were laughing hysterically and clapping (to get him to swallow) which is why he starting smiling and laughing (look at the last photo)!

Basketball 2012

Zee started basketball for the Rec League!  Now this is what I did - so many years ago - my Dad coached all 6 years I played!  We were undefeated and basically were the BEST team :)  Telling Zee this he was so excited when I talked my Dad and Jed into coaching his team.  But sadly they lost their first game...I feel terrible because here I told Zee how my Dad is the best coach (and he still is) and always won games.  Hopefully this next Saturday we will get a team that is the same HEIGHT (not giants) and it will be a good game!  Zee is so lucky that he gets 2 coaches that love him and can teach him how to play better!  Now I just need to go buy some new shoes before tomorrows game so that he isn't sliding all over the gym floor again!

Zee is #8

Music

Tay and her MP3 player

She got a MP3 player for Christmas from her JoJo and Popper (her FAVORITE gift!) because I think she is too young and careless to give a iPod.  But she doesn't really know any different.  She loves the MP3 player because it plays music AND movies.  She walks around the house singing LOUDLY to her Lady GaGa and Taylor Swift...if you ask her a question she will YELL it to you :)  I am constantly trying to get her to turn it down...I think this is a glimpse of how she is going to be in 6-8 years AND I'll probably still be telling her to turn her music down.  

Mum-Mums

Look who is finally starting to eat foods.  I think I ruined him...I was giving him tastes of OUR food and when I started to try and give him the NASTY :) rice cereal, he wouldn't eat it!  I tried everything...having it cold, hot, mixed with different fruits, plain...he would hold his mouth shut and it was impossible to break through his lips!!  Little stinker.  I gave up.  I was trying to follow "Doctor Order's" on feeding him the rice cereal and then introducing a vegetable every few days...well, it didn't work. SO I am going to do what I did with my last 3 kids (not counting Beck, he never got to taste food...) I table fed them...never had a problem getting them to eat.  LOVED not doing baby food jars and rice cereal like I did with Zee.  They seemed to enjoy eating MUCH better than Tiggers has so far.  So I am doing the Baby-Led Weaning approach...Until, last night I decided to try the rice cereal ONE more time...mixed it with bananas (never tried that fruit) and he LOVED it.  So of course once I change my mind, he decides he will then eat the nasty cereal.  Again...little stinker!

Here Tigs is eating some Mum-Mums!!

A Little Blame

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years by: Christina Perri 

I wish there was something to blame.  Some days I am "ok" that Beck died of SIDS because that means that there was nothing EXTRA I could have done to help him...but most days I hate how there are no answers.  I think because there are NO answers...makes me think that things could have been different if I had never laid him down that evening.  OR if I had laid him down in the living room with me.  Maybe he'd still be here...at least for a little while longer?  I do believe that we all have a pre-determined life path, not that we don't have free agency to make our decisions BUT I think we knew before we came here the things that we needed to accomplish on earth or the trials that we would endure - it is then left up to us to make our decisions on how we live our life and work through our trials.  Beck really didn't have much to do here I guess...

I want to blame his death on something...Beck had a broken heart Or Beck had cancer.  Heck, even a accident I think would be "easier"..."that pool took his life."  I get nothing to blame.  Nothing to pin point and say, "THAT is what took my baby."  Instead I get left in the dark...wondering.  Could things have been different?  I so desperately want an answer.

I asked Jed the other day if it bothered him that he wasn't here that day.  He always says 'No.'  Weird.  For me...I wish that Jed was there.  Jed would have known what to do...maybe he could have done it faster...he could have started CPR right away OR he could have ran faster with Beck in his arms to our neighbors house.  He could have even dialed 911 faster than me.  Then Jed told me that he thinks if he had been there, at that time...I would blame him.  So...very...true.  I still have a hard time with our neighbor that I brought Beck to.  My family gets up set that I have these feelings...because really...there was nothing he could do to save him.  You can't resuscitate a SIDS baby...this I know, but it doesn't make it any less hard.  I guess I feel like I brought my baby to him to help...his "help" did not help, through no fault of his own.  

My children were always looking for someone or thing to blame as well.  I remember refilling a prescription when I was pregnant with Tiggers and the kid's were asking me what the medicine was for and without thinking I said, 'Oh, to make sure that this baby is healthy.'  Zee sits up tall in his seat with his EYES wide,

Did you take those pills when Beck was in your belly?

I didn't know how to answer.  I told them "yes."  I explained that Beck was healthy but his body just stopped working and we don't know why.  Of course that sounds confusing.  Kid's are taught that they need to keep themselves healthy to live a long life - that philosophy didn't work for Beck.  

I admit that things lately have been easier.  I think my mind is more excepting my baby not being here.  I don't have crying fits anymore in the evenings.  I can look at pictures and I will not ALWAYS cry...videos are still tough for me because I can hear him, hear me...The one thing that I still can not do is listen to his music.  When Beck first died I searched for songs...songs of comfort...songs that explained exactly what I was feeling.  I've talked about the girls stereo they carried around that had a few of Beck's songs on it - I hated every time they put those songs on.  I usually would beg for them to turn it off.  The CD I made for my car with all those songs...that I listened to over and over again for months...it sat in "Disc 2" until recently.  I was always afraid that I wouldn't be watching the CDs changing and his CD would start to play BUT I also wasn't ready to take it out of my car stereo...yet.  I took it out about 2 weeks ago.  It now sits in my glove box where I can put it in if I ever want to.  

Jed says that I am not dealing with some part of my grief because I can't listen to those songs.  I don't think so.  Those songs just stir up SO much emotion that I honestly can't handle.  I feel like if I start to listen to them it will bring me down into complete despair.  Not sure why these songs effect me that way, but they do.  I guess at some point I need to listen to them.  Just like his pictures and videos.  

I think I am getting "better."  I don't feel that lump in my throat all the time...my chest fills a bit lifted.  I am not struggling every moment on how to work Beck into every conversation...I am okay if he is not brought up by friends or family.  Mostly because I know that he is on my mind...that is all that matters...I would get so worked up because everyone wasn't thinking about him like I do.  I am okay with that now.  He holds a special part of my heart...as well as my MIND.  

Although, I feel like I am handling my grief better, there are definitely still hard moments, moments where I need to be alone, moments where I need to talk to someone.  I am working through those things.  Blame I will never have to work through, maybe that is a good thing.  I have come to believe that things happen the way they are SUPPOSE to happen.  It had to be me.  I had to find Beck...I had to be there that day, by myself.  If anyone else had been there I KNOW that I would blame THEM.  If I hadn't been there...I would blame ME.  The way that things have worked out I honestly don't have anyone to blame.  Blame could have ruined our my life...

Party Time

FAMILY BIRTHDAY PARTY

We celebrated Bray's birthday with the family on the night of the 6th.  Popper and JoJo came for our Spaghetti dinner (I think my kid's always pick Spaghetti for their birthday dinner!).  We ate and then Bray opened her gifts and played with them for a while before we had some yummy CHOCOLATE CAKE with Ice Cream (which by the way, lucky that the ice cream was okay - I forgot that I bought it and drove around doing errands for 4 hours before remembering that I needed to get it in the freezer, oops!).  We had a relaxed evening filled with talking, laughing and definitely celebrating the birth of our THIRD baby!

My parents also took the older kids to the movies, they saw "We got a Zoo."  Have to admit that Jed and I enjoyed the break - let's see we cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, and wiped down the bathrooms.  Fun, Fun Fun!  The kid's said the movie was GREAT!

SLUMBER PARTY without the SLUMBER 

(a.k.a. Pajama Party!)

Bray has been so excited to have a birthday party and we were trying to think of a theme that no one around here as done - I think all of her friends have birthdays around hers and the themes have all been chosen!  So we came up with a PJ Party...everyone came in their PJs.  We had a pizza dinner...we played FACE PICTIONARY (where you draw a card and then draw that object on your partners face for everyone else to guess).  Then we divided up and had a nail painting table and we decorated pillow cases on the other table.  The girls seemed to really enjoy it - some girls even painted their own nails!  Bray chose to have chocolate cake (again)!  We opened presents, she got great gifts but I jokingly told one of the parents that every time someone asked her what she wanted she gave a different answer - ya know when most kids would just say what ONE thing they really want to EVERYONE...she was saying:


Barbies to one friend.
Pollypockets to another friend.
Art stuff to another friend.
Etc.


Embarrassing...but the mom said that Bray was smart :)  Anyways, we finished off the evening by laying out sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals all over the floor -plus most girls brought their own blankets, animals, etc. - and watched a Strawberry Shortcake movie until parents showed up.  I have to say that it was one of the EASIER and BIGGEST parties we have ever had.  These girls were GREAT!  I did however feel bad because Bray's teacher came out on Friday and mentioned to me that she heard about the big Party Bash we were having - "it was the talk of the classroom for the past 2 weeks."  So I asked Bray if they were talking about the party...hoping that she didn't offend others that we didn't invite...she tells me that some girls in the class were coming up to her and asking why they weren't invited and she would tell them:

Oh, I didn't get you on the List.

A little embarrassed (again) by that comment...but these are 5-6 year old girls...but it is nice to know that Bray is such a friendly person and has a great group of friends!  The party was great...I even got help from Jed (surprised, he hasn't helped at a party EVER!)...which is why I purposely planned it when I knew he would be home!  The girls seem to enjoy themselves and Bray told me it was her "BEST PARTY EVER...until next year" :)