The Never's

As I have posted the last 2 posts that I had written of Beckett, it made me realize more that there is never going to be anything else...never a first word, never a first step, never a first day of school, etc.  I think that is one of the hardest things I am dealing with right now.  As my children started school all I could think of was that I was never going to see Beck start Kindergarten and then my mind wanders to what he would have looked like at 5 years old.  It hurts.  I usually have to stop myself because I can go on and on over what I am missing out on with him.

At church today we talked about Job and all the trials he went through and how he stayed faithful to Christ...I am barely hanging on by a thread.  Suffering.  I think I have never understood real pain until now.  But to think about what Job went through...losing his possessions and family, friends, etc. and he was still able to hold strong until he was blessed again.  It is harder for me to see any light right now...I mean it's been almost 3 weeks and feels like a lifetime since I have held my sweet boy.

They say that we are only tested to the limit that we can handle but I don't think I can handle this.  I am trying to hold up for my children's stake.  I keep asking the questions Why, Why me, What did I do?  Learning in church, those are questions that wont ever be answered, at least not the answers that I am looking for.  Our teacher left us with 4 questions that we should be asking instead of the "whys" that I wrote down and am hoping that someday I will be able to answer them.

1.  What am I to do now?
2.  What am I to learn?
3.  What am I to change?
4.  Who am I to help?

Not sure I will be able to answer those questions for awhile but they are on my mind.  I just hope that one day...maybe not soon...maybe not for a long time...I can look back and see how we grew as a family, instead of the pain, hurt and sorrow.