Free Pass Please

Don't I deserve one?

I now think that everything good should happen to me.  Jed should get the job that he wants...I should lose weight without changing anything :) ...we should just be lucky.  Can I just say how that is NOT the case!  We are living in the real world and basically bad things happen to everyone...and they will continue to go wrong with many bumps of HIGHS along the way.  I just have this attitude like nothing bad should EVER happen to me or my family again.  I mean we are already living every families worst nightmare...don't we "deserve" only blessings from here on out!?!?

But what makes us so special?  So many people are going through so many different things.  I have learned in my bereavement group...you don't know EVERY ONE'S story.  At the store, school or walking down the street...you don't know what other people are going through at that moment.  I have said a MILLION times that I would love to have a banner hung above my head saying...I JUST LOST MY BABY, BE NICE!!  This experience has definitely made me think about others more.  How do I know that the person who JUST cut me off on the road isn't racing home to a sick child OR the hospital where someone they love is in jeopardy.  We don't know each person's story and yet we shouldn't judge.  I would hope that people would be more sensitive to me if they knew the truth of what I am dealing with at home.

Beckett has definitely changed my life...in more ways that one.  I will no longer judge because they are circumstances to every person's life that I do not know.  I would want the same in return...so I guess it should start with me. 

Again...because I am still a little child at heart...can't I have a FREE PASS for the rest of my life???  Don't I deserve only happiness and no more heartache?

How Can I Help?

Picture I found on my husband's computer that I didn't know I had...look how chucky he was!

For the moment Beckett has left, I have wanted to talk about him.  To me...his memory lives on in those that knew him.  For him to live on we have to talk about him.  He was a person.  He was member of our family...and will always be.  He is my children's brother.  He is my son.  Just like every mom, all we want to do it brag about our children...for me, Beckett included.  I love talking about him.  He was the easiest newborn, luckily being number 5, he needed to be.  In the hospital, he would just lay there while nurses poked him, he wouldn't even cry.  Once he came home, He would lay in his moving chair never making a sound, I would have to wake him up to feed him.  During the nights, he would wake up only to eat and to get in bed with me.  The way he would look at you would just melt anyone's heart.  He would stare and then smile.  As long as someone was in his vision, he was happy.  He hated being alone.  As he got older, he turned into a more needy baby.  Mostly my fault, I spoil my babies to much by holding them all the time.  He loved to be held, especially while he slept.  He hated music, if I tried to dance with him (which I have done with all my babies, even tho I really can't dance) he would get so annoyed, he just wanted to observe everyone else, he didn't need to be apart of the action.  I wonder about what he would be like today...tomorrow...next year.  He is no different from my other children...I love to talk about them all.  Don't ignore the fact that this has happened.  Don't pretend it didn't exist.  Just let me know that you care.  I've lost a few friends in this process...haven't heard from them since Beck died...and it's crazy because I am still me, just a little broken. 

Everyone asks how they can help... 

Educate, educate, educate.  SIDS is random.  Basically NO ONE is safe...they are Risk REDUCTIONS but not preventions.  Just because you DO the things outlined, doesn't mean your baby is safe.  Angel Care Monitors aren't safe regarding SIDS...they let you know when your baby has already STOPPED breathing, once a SIDS baby stops breathing, there is NOTHING you can do to stop the process.  They have never been able to resuscitate a SIDS baby.  Although, the monitors may bring you peace of mind, they do NOT prevent ANYTHING.  I don't want to scare anyone but SIDS is becoming LESS problematic in the eyes of our government.  States, Cities and Counties in the USA are NOT reporting infant deaths as SIDS no longer, they are saying UNDETERMINED...which now has caused the problem for SIDS Foundations and programs to get government funding.  If these programs aren't getting funding, they stop helping out the families that are dealing with this loss.  They have been SO wonderful to my family, offering support groups and individualized counseling.  Less funding ALSO means that they will NOT have money for testing to figure out what the heck is happening to our babies that have died of SIDS.  Which equals NO answers.  Which is one of the hardest things about this kind of death...we have no answers...we were told that Beckett was HEALTHY...PERFECT...nothing was wrong.  NO answers.  Jed is currently putting together a Charity "Run" for Summer 2011 to raise money for 1st Candle  and Angel Eyes organizations to help fund their programs.  More information on his Fundraiser will be posted here as well as his website that he is currently creating.  I just want people to be aware of what SIDS is and what it is NOT...you can't "have it" or "catch it."  It is a HORRIBLY random thing that happened to my BEAUTIFUL baby boy.

Just a Note

Our Sweet Boy,

    Today you would be 7 months old.  Not a moment goes by that we don't think of your beautiful face and miss your sweet smell.  Trying to think of the things you would be doing right now is tough...we didn't want to miss out on those milestones.  Your siblings miss you so much.  They still talk about you daily.  They always want to watch your videos.  You are STILL apart of this family.  Please keep watch over them, they need their guardian angel. 

Forever in Our Hearts,
Mom and Dad

Walk to Remember 2010

In Memory of Beckett...No Words.

Tatum wanted to hold onto the balloons, so they could carry her to see Beckett.

I Miss Him

A POEM FOR MOMMY

Over morning coffee it occurs to me –
we should be four instead
of three. One Mommy, one Daddy, one sweet baby Abby. But where is the one my spirit longs for,
my arms ache for,
my heart bleeds for?

Is it true what they say – will it always hurt this way? I wait for the day he will reach for me and say
“Mommy, dear Mommy, I’ve been waiting for you.” The things that we’ll share then, the things that we’ll do! Spend hours and hours just kissing his skin, and brushing his hair while admiring his grin.

He’ll say to me “See, it’s been no time at all since I left you with only my tiny handprints on the wall.”
And I’ll say to him “Son, it’s been well worth the wait” as we join hands to enter those big pearly gates.

No more sad, no more fear, no more hurt, no more tears. Together, forever, no death shall us part.