Most of this song doesn't apply to me...if you read the lyrics all the way through BUT a few things stood out to me.
No one knows what it is like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
Song: Behind Blue Eyes
Artist: The Who
This song made me cry tonight. I use to play this song with my brother and Jed on Guitar Hero. (hehe) I LOVED it...until it got to the end of the song because it kind of gets a little crazy lyric-wise. But this song is just sad - and beautiful.
No One knows
What it is like to be me. My family and friends try to understand but they can't. I wish that I could hit a button and they could just get a glimpse of what it feels like to be me. Maybe then they would understand my questioning and sorrow. I feel like people would be easier on me if they really understood me. Of course everyone goes through trials - some more public then others - but most trials are temporary. Mine isn't. It is forever. Or at least it feels like it. Part of me is surprised that my baby would be turning 3 in a week...and the other part feels like it has already been forever since I had him with me.
To telling only lies - I feel like my life is somewhat of a lie...or a facade. If people really saw me at my weakest moments it would probably shock them. Every morning I get up and put a smile on my face (of course I don't have to remind myself to smile anymore...at least that has gotten easier and isn't as fake). If I were "allowed" to show what I feel on my bad days it would be so liberating. A huge weight lifted to get it all off my chest instead of holding onto it. But I have pretend to not upset the kids...or other family. I've had to act like my faith has never shook. That I have complete trust in God. But honestly I'm not sure anymore.
Again, i don't know if I am feeling like this because his birthday is around the corner or what. I hate feeling this way. I know the truth. I do. I have always questioned things...especially in the church. I am not one that is just told what we believe - I have to search it and find it myself. I'm not easily fooled. I want to know that what I believe is the truth. Aren't we taught to do that growing up in the church?
Then why am I not allowed to question right now? Especially after my world has turned. Someone told me recently that after 2 years is when you start feeling everything. I think that you have so much support and faith of others to lean on in the beginning...now I am on my own. I think I've fallen. Not far but I can't just stand up...yet. I most definitely can't ask for help...I even push offered hands away. I have to always do things on my own...I hate that I am this way. I wish that I could take help from others. I can't just be told. I could in the beginning...in fact I leaned on my mom's testimony a ton. I remember asking her all the time "Do you really believe that I'll see him again?" And she always answered the same, "Yes, without a doubt." I figured if my mom was so sure then I could be too. Now I need to believe it on my own - without question in my heart. My mom isn't always going to be there.
I scared my sister this weekend. I let her know exactly how I've been feeling. It felt good to just get it out and not pretend, even if it was only for a few minutes. But now my family is worried. I need to find a different outlet...someone that wont be affected by my ramblings of grief.
But my dreams they aren't as empty - Although, I have felt that my world will never move on. That my life is complete emptiness without my son. It isn't. I am here fighting for my children...for my husband...and mostly for myself. An inner battle. I want to be healed. I want to feel genuine happiness all the time. I want to be faithful. I just need more time. But I know that my life (and dreams) aren't empty without Beckett - I think I've been telling myself for too long that my life is pointless because I'm broken. I really need to stop making excuses for my grief...deal with it...and be able to move forward - with Beckett. I just need more time to sort through my deeply rooted emotions. I know understand why people push there feelings aside...much easier than feel them. I don't want to feel like this forever.
:( Beckett is probably so disappointed in me. That I can't hold it together better.
Pray - is the easy answer that everyone seems to give me...
