Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all...praying that I make it through tonight and tomorrow.

Past and Longer

Dear Mr. Boo

You would have been 8 months old this past week and I am dreading the time passing, which means the longer it has been since I held you in my arms.  Counting down to THIS month has been horrible...now you have offically been gone longer than you were here with your family.  We all miss you so much.  Tatum crys for you and desperately wants us to come get you.  Zeke has a hard time talking about you, but I know how much he loved you and looked forward to the future and teaching you all sorts of things.  Braia is confused, she doesn't understand that you are gone...forever, she constantly asks when you are coming back.  Adleigh probably understands the most out of all of us...she will simply state that you are in heaven, and you died.  She loved being a big sister to you.  Dad hides most of his feelings, I think he is afraid that if he starts crying he may never stop.  I continue to struggle each day for comfort and undesranding.  How can you be here so short but leave such a LONG and HUGE emptiness in my heart?  You were the most loved baby and everyone wanted a piece of you...until the day we meet again XOXOXOX

Your,
Mommy!

Not Prepared

I am not ready for this Holiday season.  This season is truly about Jesus, giving and being with your family.  A part of me is empty and praying this Christmas goes fast.  Some of me wants everything to go slow so I don't miss anything with my other children.  But how am I suppose to be happy right now?  Getting the Holiday Spirit is hard, we are trying to think of things to do to remember, memorialize Beckett during Christmas.  We decorated his tree, which was a lot of fun.  We have bought gifts for him that we are donating, not sure to who or where.  We have received wonderful gifts from friends, family, strangers, anonymously in honor of Beckett.  So I am just not sure why I can't be a little bit more grateful...I just want my little boy back and nothing I or my family does will make that come true. 

My Christmas wish this year is to have a wonderfully happy, HEALTHY year in 2011.  I hope that my kid's can continue to work through their feelings and experience true happiness throughout this next year.  I hope that Jed can get what he wants in his career and know how much the kid's and I stand behind him and support him.  I hope that my heart can mend just a bit...so I don't hurt like I currently do.  I hope that Beckett's memory can be lived through smiles, laughs instead of tears and heartache.  

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and may 2011 be a GREAT year for you as well!

Free Pass Please

Don't I deserve one?

I now think that everything good should happen to me.  Jed should get the job that he wants...I should lose weight without changing anything :) ...we should just be lucky.  Can I just say how that is NOT the case!  We are living in the real world and basically bad things happen to everyone...and they will continue to go wrong with many bumps of HIGHS along the way.  I just have this attitude like nothing bad should EVER happen to me or my family again.  I mean we are already living every families worst nightmare...don't we "deserve" only blessings from here on out!?!?

But what makes us so special?  So many people are going through so many different things.  I have learned in my bereavement group...you don't know EVERY ONE'S story.  At the store, school or walking down the street...you don't know what other people are going through at that moment.  I have said a MILLION times that I would love to have a banner hung above my head saying...I JUST LOST MY BABY, BE NICE!!  This experience has definitely made me think about others more.  How do I know that the person who JUST cut me off on the road isn't racing home to a sick child OR the hospital where someone they love is in jeopardy.  We don't know each person's story and yet we shouldn't judge.  I would hope that people would be more sensitive to me if they knew the truth of what I am dealing with at home.

Beckett has definitely changed my life...in more ways that one.  I will no longer judge because they are circumstances to every person's life that I do not know.  I would want the same in return...so I guess it should start with me. 

Again...because I am still a little child at heart...can't I have a FREE PASS for the rest of my life???  Don't I deserve only happiness and no more heartache?

How Can I Help?

Picture I found on my husband's computer that I didn't know I had...look how chucky he was!

For the moment Beckett has left, I have wanted to talk about him.  To me...his memory lives on in those that knew him.  For him to live on we have to talk about him.  He was a person.  He was member of our family...and will always be.  He is my children's brother.  He is my son.  Just like every mom, all we want to do it brag about our children...for me, Beckett included.  I love talking about him.  He was the easiest newborn, luckily being number 5, he needed to be.  In the hospital, he would just lay there while nurses poked him, he wouldn't even cry.  Once he came home, He would lay in his moving chair never making a sound, I would have to wake him up to feed him.  During the nights, he would wake up only to eat and to get in bed with me.  The way he would look at you would just melt anyone's heart.  He would stare and then smile.  As long as someone was in his vision, he was happy.  He hated being alone.  As he got older, he turned into a more needy baby.  Mostly my fault, I spoil my babies to much by holding them all the time.  He loved to be held, especially while he slept.  He hated music, if I tried to dance with him (which I have done with all my babies, even tho I really can't dance) he would get so annoyed, he just wanted to observe everyone else, he didn't need to be apart of the action.  I wonder about what he would be like today...tomorrow...next year.  He is no different from my other children...I love to talk about them all.  Don't ignore the fact that this has happened.  Don't pretend it didn't exist.  Just let me know that you care.  I've lost a few friends in this process...haven't heard from them since Beck died...and it's crazy because I am still me, just a little broken. 

Everyone asks how they can help... 

Educate, educate, educate.  SIDS is random.  Basically NO ONE is safe...they are Risk REDUCTIONS but not preventions.  Just because you DO the things outlined, doesn't mean your baby is safe.  Angel Care Monitors aren't safe regarding SIDS...they let you know when your baby has already STOPPED breathing, once a SIDS baby stops breathing, there is NOTHING you can do to stop the process.  They have never been able to resuscitate a SIDS baby.  Although, the monitors may bring you peace of mind, they do NOT prevent ANYTHING.  I don't want to scare anyone but SIDS is becoming LESS problematic in the eyes of our government.  States, Cities and Counties in the USA are NOT reporting infant deaths as SIDS no longer, they are saying UNDETERMINED...which now has caused the problem for SIDS Foundations and programs to get government funding.  If these programs aren't getting funding, they stop helping out the families that are dealing with this loss.  They have been SO wonderful to my family, offering support groups and individualized counseling.  Less funding ALSO means that they will NOT have money for testing to figure out what the heck is happening to our babies that have died of SIDS.  Which equals NO answers.  Which is one of the hardest things about this kind of death...we have no answers...we were told that Beckett was HEALTHY...PERFECT...nothing was wrong.  NO answers.  Jed is currently putting together a Charity "Run" for Summer 2011 to raise money for 1st Candle  and Angel Eyes organizations to help fund their programs.  More information on his Fundraiser will be posted here as well as his website that he is currently creating.  I just want people to be aware of what SIDS is and what it is NOT...you can't "have it" or "catch it."  It is a HORRIBLY random thing that happened to my BEAUTIFUL baby boy.

Just a Note

Our Sweet Boy,

    Today you would be 7 months old.  Not a moment goes by that we don't think of your beautiful face and miss your sweet smell.  Trying to think of the things you would be doing right now is tough...we didn't want to miss out on those milestones.  Your siblings miss you so much.  They still talk about you daily.  They always want to watch your videos.  You are STILL apart of this family.  Please keep watch over them, they need their guardian angel. 

Forever in Our Hearts,
Mom and Dad

Walk to Remember 2010

In Memory of Beckett...No Words.

Tatum wanted to hold onto the balloons, so they could carry her to see Beckett.

I Miss Him

A POEM FOR MOMMY

Over morning coffee it occurs to me –
we should be four instead
of three. One Mommy, one Daddy, one sweet baby Abby. But where is the one my spirit longs for,
my arms ache for,
my heart bleeds for?

Is it true what they say – will it always hurt this way? I wait for the day he will reach for me and say
“Mommy, dear Mommy, I’ve been waiting for you.” The things that we’ll share then, the things that we’ll do! Spend hours and hours just kissing his skin, and brushing his hair while admiring his grin.

He’ll say to me “See, it’s been no time at all since I left you with only my tiny handprints on the wall.”
And I’ll say to him “Son, it’s been well worth the wait” as we join hands to enter those big pearly gates.

No more sad, no more fear, no more hurt, no more tears. Together, forever, no death shall us part.

Simple Prayer

"Bless that Jesus can down again so that we can see Beckett again."

Braia says in almost every prayer.

It's been awhile and I am still trying to put my thoughts together.  10 weeks 6 days and it doesn't get any easier.  I find myself talking to him constantly in my head...about that dreadful day, about my feelings, about missing him, etc.  Not sure if that is so "normal" but to me, it's the closet thing I can do with him. 

Zeke finished his "Healing with Horses" program and LOVED it.  He had "Family Night" this last Tuesday and it was nice going and seeing what he has learned about horses and seeing him ride them.  We also participated in the opening circle.  Basically you go around the room and say your name, who died and how they died.  When it got to my mom (who was before me) I couldn't stop crying.  It's just weird.  Sometimes I am fine and sometimes I can't pull my crap together.  I love talking about Beckett.  I wish that everyone understood or knew that.  I hate when people ignore me.  I hate when people talk to me like nothing has changed.  What everyone should understand about me...and most of those that I have talked to that have lost a child...LOVE TALKING ABOUT THEIR BABY.  Don't be scared to ask how we are doing...don't be shy to tell us a memory you have of them (I'd love that one.)...just don't act like there is an elephant in the room. 

I always try and weasel BECKETT into every conversation...even if it has nothing to do with him.  I'd just say things like, "Yea, before Beckett..." or "When Beckett was here..."  I just want others to know how much I want to talk about him.  He is still SO much apart of me.  He NOW lives through me. 

Back to the Horse Program...so once it got to me, I could barely even say my "line."  Then we did an art project - Horse Ornament - with pictures/messages to Beckett to hang on the horse.  Adleigh and Tatum really got into the project and made quite a few ornaments for Beck.  Then we headed outside to see Zeke with his horse, his horses name was 'Pebbles.'  He did amazing.  He rode him so comfortably.  He felt so proud to have his family watching him.  Zeke even got to ride the horse while he ran, crazy scary for me watching!  This program was a good outlet for Zeke.  Being around a few other kids that have lost someone special and having that bond was what he needed. 

Braia didn't get to come with us, she had dance.  She has been finally letting her feelings show about what has happened.  I got a call from the school psychologist because she is really acting out the death through her play.  She is just a little confused about what happened and she is angry.  When I asked her about what she is playing at school, she said...

Braia - Babies

Me - Are the babies dying?

Braia - Yes, because all babies die.

Me - All babies don't die.  Beckett's body just stopped working but most babies live.

Braia - Well, our babies die.

I didn't know what to say.  I feel horrible that my kid's aren't innocent anymore.  At least about death.  I hate that they have to deal with this.  I hate how they are hurting.  Thinking that Braia wasn't really effected by this was so wrong.  She is always playing that her babies are dying...because she didn't do something.  I keep telling her that there was nothing anyone could do to save Beckett.  I told her when I found him, I ran to the first person that I KNEW could help, then the ambulance showed up, the doctors at the hospital tried...there was nothing anyone could do.  She is slowly understanding but how can a 4 year old REALLY understand something that I, a 28-year old, is struggling with?

A song that is constantly sticking in my mind lately is "Happily Ever After"  the song itself doesn't apply but the chorus ALWAYS hits me...pretty hard:

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know
Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know, I'd like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

Will I end up happy...be able to be happy with my life without my baby in it?  I guess that is the question on my mind lately.

Attitude is Gratitude

Listening to conference this morning and hearing the wonderful talks, I realized, by listening to President Monson's talk about Gratitude, that I have not taken the time to thank God for every moment of those four months with Beckett. I have been so focused on everything I am missing and angry over not seeing/having...but I never thanked him for those precious moments and the trust he had in me to give us Beckett.

I feel honored as Beckett's mother. He was such a serious baby and very simple. He was easily entertained. He was happiest when he was just held and would stare at whomever was holding him. He brought so much joy into our family. He taught my children service, by them attending to his needs and learning that sometimes their needs had to wait because Beckett needed to eat or be changed. He taught me patience and self-less-ness. He has now taught me to cherish every moment of my life. Not worry about the little things. To enjoy every chance I have to spend time with each of my children.

I am so thankful for Beckett. Thankful we had 4 months to know him, love him and be with him. Thankful for the memories...good and hard...thankful for the moments I was up late at night with him, to just be with him...thankful for the love he showed each member of his family...thankful that he made our life richer with his presence. I am so thankful I got to hear him laugh and coo. Thankful that I got to see him roll over. Thankful I got to see him discover his hands. Thankful that he got to go swimming with our family every Monday night for Family Home Evening. I am so Thankful that he is apart of my family.

I am trying hard to not think about what I missed or what I want back...but for what I had and will have in the future.

"...wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." -Epictetus

~~~~~~

I saw this video on another blog and it was truley inspirational. This family isn't experiening what we are but their outlook on their "trial" is admirable. 2 things stood out to me that they said:

She says "I am grateful for this trial, and it's a blessing even though its hard and it's challenging and it will be for a while."

and Her Husband says "...turn to him either to thank him for the happy times or to pray for his help in the hard times."

"I'm Falling to Pieces"

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words can stop the bleeding
(Breakeven by: The Script)

Most days we hold it together. Things are slowly getting "better." I still miss him every second of every day. It seems like a dream that he was here. How can such a new, little person quickly come into your life and just as fast leave us with an everlasting impression on our hearts? It still stings. I honestly don't know how I am keeping things together because when I start to let my mind wander to memories of my baby, it aches. Sometimes I can't breathe, sometimes I can't stop crying...I want to be with him so bad. The ONLY reason that I am here is because of my other children. I KNOW who is taking care of Beckett for me. My kids definitely are keeping me grounded. They have experienced so much that I don't want them to hurt anymore.

I am still so worried about Tatum. She is not the same person. I don't know how to help her. She is pushing everyone away. She is sad, quiet and has a huge wall up. I don't know how to break it down. If I could only take her pain on me and make all the hurt go away I would. This is my worst fears coming true...losing a child and then trying not to "lose" any other kids. I don't want this to affect them the rest of their lives. With Beckett only being here for 4 short months, he definitely has left a gap in everyone's heart...not just mine.

she's fine, most of the time
she takes her days with a smile...
breathe, just breathe
take the world off your shoulders
and put it on me
breathe, just breathe

(Breathe by: Ryan Star)

This is definitely what I wish Tatum (and my other children) could do...put all of their pain on me. I will gladly suffer for everyone if it meant that they would no longer hurt. I am trying to do everything I can think of to get them help. We just got them started into a program called Judi's House that deals with kid's 3 and up that have lost someone close to them. They had such a fun time at the information night. They keep asking when they get to go back. I am sure that they feel like I do...once Beckett died, all I wanted to do was talk to someone else that has lost a child...they need to be around other children that are experienece the same things because then they know they aren't alone...aren't the only kid's grieving.

We should start the program in November (they have you wait at least 3 months after the death) and I am so antzy to get them started. Zeke is doing the program "Healing with Horses" and loves it. He got to actually ride the horse this week and was a little nervous. That program has definitely helped Zeke verbalize his feelings about what has happened.

We passed 50 days...which was hard...I miss him more and more each day. I know that he is looking down on us and hopefully he is proud at how our family is handling things (the best we can right now). I know that Beckett would want us happy. I know that he would want us to not hurt. I know that I'll see him again someday. I ache for the day when I can hug and squeeze him again.

My first "normal" post

I figure that I need to still document my other children.  So since school started about 6 weeks ago, I think it is about time that I posted about each one's first day.

My baby boy, which seems like he was just born yesterday, started SECOND grade!  Can I really be that old?  He got the teacher that we REALLY wanted.  He is doing so well.  His teacher has dealt with other kids that have experienced a loss as well and is really taking care of Zeke.  We feel truly blessed that he is in this class this year.  We love him and hope that he excels in school this year!

Tator Tot started Kindergarten.  She has been so excited all summer to finally get to go to the "big kid" school.  Again, she got the teacher that we REALLY wanted and is having a good year.  Beckett's death has been the hardest on her and she is slowly adjusting to school.  She has days when she begs to stay home, which is not normal behavior for her, but she always ends up happy after school.  I hope that she grows and learns so much this year.  She is a great blessing to our family.

Bray-Bear asks everyday (during the summer) if today she goes to school.  She was very inpatient for the school year to begin.  She is not only in preschool BUT in Pre-K AND at the other kids SCHOOL.  She feels like one of them and I have to admit that it is very nice to have them all at one school.  We miss our old preschool though.  I have been told twice this year (already) about how smart Braia is, the teacher is amazed at how far along she is...she is starting to read and really enjoys learning.  She has transitioned well so far this school year.  Love ya Bear!

All 3 of them started school on different days (crazy) So this is the first day that all 3 of them went to school together.  (Goofy Tatum)

It wouldn't be right to not talk about the other kiddos.  So Adleigh didn't start school but she had a big change...about a week after the funeral, I was preoccupied (of course) and Braia and Addie were outside playing great...or so I thought...when Adleigh comes inside and says, "I cut my hair."  I freaked...I guess Braia decided that Addie needed her hair cut and chopped it ALL off.  We went and got her hair fixed as best we could...she just cut more off one side and then cut around the ear on the other side...its just a mess.  I had just spent the last year growing Addie's hair out from the last big chop off and now have to start all over.  After her hair cut, she kept walking around saying "I'm a boy."  Little stinker...but she is still too cute to be a boy :)

We visit Beck every Wednesday and Sunday evenings.  The kid's enjoy going there and playing around.  It is just so peaceful and I get to feel a little bit closer to Beckett.  People have told me that I will get to the point where I wont need to go to the grave as much because "he just wont be there anymore."  But for now, I want to be as close to him as I can get and this works for me.  This picture doesn't do his grave justice...his spot is now the GREENist spot around (thanks to my mom who brings miracle grow and 9 gallons of water every week).  We are getting ready to plant his tree on my birthday at the cemetery.  I picked a tree that blossoms pink (because its my favorite color). 

The "Second-Class" Grievers

It must be very difficult to be a man in grief

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong" no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult to stand up to the test

And field calls and visitors so she can get some rest

They always ask if shes alright and whats shes going through

But seldom take his hand and ask "my friend but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night and thinks his heart will break

He drys his tears and comforts her but "stays strong" for her sake

It must be very difficult to start each day anew

And try to be so very brave he lost his baby too

He is forgotten.  I feel bad because I know that he feels he needs to be strong for my sake and for the kid's.  Jed is a very sensitive guy.  I have seen him cry many times, over different things.  He is hurting just as much as me.  I think when you are in the moment, you feel that no one can feel the way you do.  At least, that is how I felt.  We are always grieving at different times and I seem to (more than him) get frustrated that he is not "grieving right,"  because he isn't crying like me or depressed like me...so he must not miss Beckett enough.  How wrong I have been...I found him breaking down last night and I felt crushed.  It made me realize...he lost his baby too.  It's not all about me...it is about us. 

 

I want to come out of this trial with a stronger relationship with my spouse.  I don't want this to tear apart our relationship.  This is the time when we should hold strong together.  Be there for each other when the other is down.  I know that Beckett wouldn't want his family to fall apart because of his absence.  Men and Women grieve in different ways.  This I have learned...probably the hard way.  No more will I tell him he isn't grieving right or not enough.  I don't want to add to hurt that he is already feeling from the loss of his son.  I want to be there strong for him...like he has for me.  Jed found this poem and loved it:   

 

 You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

Better In Time

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Words that I need to live by.  I feel like I can't live without him.  Even though I have four other beautiful children to live for...I feel like something is missing...him.  I've been told that it's always going to hurt as bad as it does now...not very comforting.  Right now, I don't want my hurt to go away because I want to feel it, it's the last feeling Beckett has left me with.  Everyone says to find a "new normal."  How can I find a "normal" when part of my heart is missing?  I don't want to find a new normal because then that is really accepting that he is gone...I'm not sure if I am ready to accept that.  My mind knows that he is gone and not coming back...it's my heart that can't believe it. 

We really did love Beckett.  You couldn't help yourself but give him a big squeeze when you see him.  You couldn't help but kiss his chunky neck.  That sweet baby was fought over by everyone...it hurts so much because we loved him so much.  I show affection to my kid's by telling them over and over how much I love them, how special they are and how much they are wanted by us.  I show them by kissing them and hugging them all the time.  It aches because I can't show Beckett that I still care.  At least right now, I wont get to tell him how wanted he was by our family.  How excited his brother was to have him.  How wonderful his sisters were to him. 

Smile.  I've smiled.  I've laughed.  Sometimes it feels fake.  Most of the time I feel guilty.  I don't think I should be happy because that means that I didn't love him enough or I don't miss him enough.  I know in my heart that I can be happy again but not sure when it wont feel forced.  I love my family so much.  I know that my kid's want me to be happy.  I know that it bothers them when I cry.  They make comments letting me know that they want to be back to "normal."  I know they wont forget Beckett.  Tatum and Braia are always writing his name on pictures they draw.  He will always be apart of our life.  I want to look back and smile because of those four wonderful months we had with him and not think of the forty years we missed out on.  I want to smile when I think of him and not sting because he's gone.

Better in time.  I know it will.  It just seems like it's going to take forever to feel "okay" with him gone.  If ever.  I know that our life needs to continue on for the sake of our other children.  I just want to feel myself again, instead of this heaviness in my chest.  I want to wake up each morning happy instead of remembering only that he is gone.  I know it will get "Better in Time,"  it just seems like miles away for that to happen.   

Today I received the information we have been waiting for...all of Beck's tests came back negative for EVERYTHING...so they are saying that it was indeed SIDS.  Hearing the news I started crying all over again.  It tells me that I couldn't have done ANYTHING to save my baby and it really sucks.  I thought I would feel better once everything was completed but for some reason I just feel worse...I really, really miss my baby.

Patience

Something that I don't have much of. I feel like my whole life is a waiting game. Growing up I couldn't "wait till...” I thought life got better, if only I was 16...then 18...etc. I was never happy with my life at that moment; I just wanted to grow up. Now that I am "grown" it definitely isn't easy. As kids, you think that you can map out your life and things will just fall into place. Not what I have planned but this is NOW my life.

I have always struggled with Patience. I couldn't wait to be a mother. 9 months pregnant with Zeke felt like years...then I couldn't wait to have another baby. Then we surprisingly got pregnant quickly with Braia after Tatum. I was so excited. Wanting to have the baby now mentality got me in trouble...Braia ended up coming 9 weeks early, which I thought was "great." Not realizing that I would have to again...wait...to bring her home after a long 5 weeks. I remember telling Jed that I must not have learned this lesson because every trial, up till that point, in my life had to do with waiting. I guess God was trying to teach me that things are on his time, not mine. Thinking I had "learned" that lesson...I got another chance to learn it again when Beckett was born. Luckily this time he was only in the NICU for 2 weeks.

Now I have the ultimate patience test...I can't wait until I can be reunited with my precious boy. 32 days since he left our family and it seems like forever. I am afraid that I am going to forget things...the way he smelled, if I close my eyes I can still smell him. Forget the way I rubbed his head and face while he was sleeping. Forget the way he would just look at me so seriously and then bust into a big smile. Forget the way he would "talk" to me, oh gosh, to hear his sweet little voice. I just don't want to forget and I don't want our family to forget him.

I overheard a conversation between my 2 girls in the car the other day, this is what I heard:

Braia: My heart hurts.
Tatum: Mine does too.
Braia: It hurts right here. When does it stop hurting?
Tatum: I don't know.
Braia: Why did Beckett die?
Tatum: I don't know.
Braia: Why did he stop breathing?
Tatum: I just don't know.

Broken my heart. I don't even know how to answer those questions. When will our hearts stop hurting? If ever. It still is has fresh as it was that night. Braia hasn't really talked about Beckett much since he died. She has really been sweet to me though. I have been crying a lot and I told her that if she ever sees me crying, she needs to give me a hug. Literally EVERY time she is around and I am crying, she stops whatever she is doing and gives me a hug and then goes back to whatever she was doing. She hasn't been too vocal about this whole situation but hearing the conversation between her and Tatum was touching.

Beckett would have been 5 months on Tuesday. I found myself thinking a lot about him that day. He would probably be rolling around by now, using his hands to hold toys. It was a really hard day. I spent most of the day crying on and off. Finally, Tatum said, "how about you don't look at anymore videos or pictures of Beckett, then you won’t cry anymore." I have to remind her that I want to look at them and cry. I miss him.

I love music. I listen to all types...country, rap, alternative, oldies, Christian, etc. Diamond Rio has the perfect song that fits everything that I am feeling at this moment:

One More Day
Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

Exactly how I feel...I just want One More Day to be with him but I know that it will never be enough. So…I am left to wait until we are together again. Whenever that shall be...

Video - August 7, 2010

Forever in Our Hearts, Always on Our Minds

Dressing and Last Visit

Again, since I treat this blog as a journal, I am posting some pictures of my last few moments with Beckett, so please be advised of what you could potentially see.

Jed and I got to go visit with Beckett by ourselves Thursday afternoon.  I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was to see him because the last time I had seen him was the night he left me.  I had been a wreck most of the morning.  When we walked into that room and saw him laying in the bassinet...it was the hardest thing I ever had to witness, was to see my baby laying there still.  I immediately broke down and picked him up and just cried. 

How could this be happening?  I couldn't stop crying and holding his sweet chubby hands.  Immediately I searched for his tiny foot and gasped when I could still feel his sharp toenails...it felt like him, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to tell it was my baby...how silly as it sounds, I use to rub his sharp toenails while I nursed him, I could never cut them short enough and it drove me crazy...but to feel it again was memorable.

 

I couldn't let go of his hand, I missed his gentle squeeze.  He would never just hold your hand, he would grip your fingers and then release and grip again and release...Jed and I then noticed how peaceful the room began to feel.  I all of sudden was calmed.  We just started reminiscing about all the silly things Beckett used to do or the kid's would do with him...laughter mixed with tears...bittersweet. 

As Jed took his turn to hold his "little monster," as he called him, it finally hit him and he just broke down.  I have seen my husband cry before but I never seen the pain and sorrow in his eyes as I did that afternoon.  It makes you realize how things can just change in a matter of seconds.  Jed started to talk about all the ancestors he is meeting and greeting in heaven...talking about the things that our grandparents that have passed are probably doing with Beckett...playing cards with our grandma's, drinking root beer with my grandpa...it is comforting to know that he is with our family that has passed.  Even though I know he is with Heavenly Father...knowing that my Grandparents are taking care of him warms my heart a bit.

Beckett was surely loved and wanted by Jed and I.  We were so proud of our new baby boy.  His brother was excited to FINALLY not be the only boy.  His sisters fought relentlessly over who gets to take care of him.  I am sure in Heaven, everyone is fighting over who gets to show him around...or tell him more about his parents.

 

That day was special.  It was the 3 of us.  We left that afternoon feeling peaceful.  He will always be our SWEET BABY BOY.

The next day we went back with most of the family and dressed him for the funeral.  I was worried because I really wanted him to wear his blessing outfit, which was huge a few weeks before but Beckett got chunky fast.  Luckily, it fit him perfectly.  He looked like a little man. 

Everyone there got a chance to hold him, say their goodbyes.  Tatum and Adleigh held him one last time.  Zeke was stand offish...but finally came around and held his brother and kissed his cold cheek.  Braia didn't feel comfortable holding him.  I really wanted his siblings to get a chance to say goodbye to their for always baby brother.

No matter how hard that week was and how sad my life seems to be right now.  I feel so blessed to have dressed him and took time to be with him before he was buried.  It was an honor to be that precious boys mom.  I feel blessed to have known him.  I always thought he was special, doesn't every mom though, but he really was.  He was such a great baby and loved to be held.  Nothing ever bothered him. 

The week before he died, we switched him to formula.  I complained to everyone about how whinny he had become unless he was being held BUT looking back...he must have known...because if he was being held, he was happy.  He probably knew his time was short and just wanted to be cuddled a little bit more.  I am starting to feel small moments of peace.  I know that the prayers coming from all around the world (thank you!) are helping my family...I never thought I could go through something like this and the fact that I am out of bed...shows that prayer works.  Thank you to all our friends and family. 

Almost

Trying to edit through the dressing day and funeral day pictures has been tough.  I can only handle so many pictures before I am crying so hard that I can't view them anymore.  I know that this is suppose to hurt but it just aches.  I need to follow Adleigh's nonchalant advice...'it a good day mom...right?'  Maybe I am wallowing in self pity. 

The Never's

As I have posted the last 2 posts that I had written of Beckett, it made me realize more that there is never going to be anything else...never a first word, never a first step, never a first day of school, etc.  I think that is one of the hardest things I am dealing with right now.  As my children started school all I could think of was that I was never going to see Beck start Kindergarten and then my mind wanders to what he would have looked like at 5 years old.  It hurts.  I usually have to stop myself because I can go on and on over what I am missing out on with him.

At church today we talked about Job and all the trials he went through and how he stayed faithful to Christ...I am barely hanging on by a thread.  Suffering.  I think I have never understood real pain until now.  But to think about what Job went through...losing his possessions and family, friends, etc. and he was still able to hold strong until he was blessed again.  It is harder for me to see any light right now...I mean it's been almost 3 weeks and feels like a lifetime since I have held my sweet boy.

They say that we are only tested to the limit that we can handle but I don't think I can handle this.  I am trying to hold up for my children's stake.  I keep asking the questions Why, Why me, What did I do?  Learning in church, those are questions that wont ever be answered, at least not the answers that I am looking for.  Our teacher left us with 4 questions that we should be asking instead of the "whys" that I wrote down and am hoping that someday I will be able to answer them.

1.  What am I to do now?
2.  What am I to learn?
3.  What am I to change?
4.  Who am I to help?

Not sure I will be able to answer those questions for awhile but they are on my mind.  I just hope that one day...maybe not soon...maybe not for a long time...I can look back and see how we grew as a family, instead of the pain, hurt and sorrow.

Hands (Last Post of Beckett)

Beckett discovered his hands over the past few days.  He is ALWAYS trying to suck on them but can't seem to keep them in or near his mouth.  The other day I saw him totally looking at his hands, he kept going cross-eyed to watch them :)

Last 2 post of Beckett

Vid-i-ot...so young :)  My family was a TV family, I have my shows, Jed has his...but seriously my other kids can take or leave the TV - They would rather play outside or with friends.  Beck just LOVES to watch the PBS channel...so at least he picks something he can learn from!

His eyes will NOT leave the screen!

Poem

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't look so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Memories

Tonight we visited Beckett's grave because they have put the temporary headstone on and also to bring some fresh flowers.  We thought it would be therapeutic to go around and say a memory that we have of our sweet baby.  There were some tears (mostly from me) but everyone enjoyed sharing some thoughts about Beckett. 

Dad - Whenever he would pick him up, he would snuggle into him.

Mom - Whenever he smiled, he would bring his hands to his mouth and smile with his whole body.

Zeke -  Carrying him around everywhere

Tatum - Carrying him and having him laugh in her lap

Braia - Talking to him

Adleigh - Liked to kiss him

Simple things are all we have but we all hold them dear to our hearts.  This child will not...cannot...be forgotten. 

I still have my pretty tough moments but someone reminded me the other day...that instead of only looking at this as a loss (a huge, incredibly difficult loss)...we should be thankful for each one of those days that we spent with this precious child.  Since Beckett has passed, I have researched a lot through lds.org, looking for answers, wondering why.  I found this article by Bruce R. McConkie that quoted a Joseph Smith's statement:

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.” Here

Too pure, too lovely to live on earth...helps...a bit.  Beckett was like an old soul.  He watched everything, like he was taking as much information in as he possibly could.  He had a more mature sense of humor.  I use to joke to my mom that he better loosen up because you HAVE to have a sense of humor in our house to make it through the masses of children. 

One of the hardest things about this whole situation is my kids.  We have been so worried about Zeke and thinking that he was going to take this the hardest.  I was told today that we needed to keep an eye on Tatum, from the school psychologist.  She doesn't like talking about Beckett.  I always tell her when she is ready that I am here to listen or cry with her.  She is breaking on the inside.  My once happy girl, is deeply sadden by the loss of her brother, her friend, her baby.  If only I could take the pain of my family on myself.  

Beckett is our Angel...I reminded the kids of that this evening.  I hope he is watching out for his siblings and parents.  Until we meet again, sweet boy, this pain wont leave.  I look forward to the day that we can be reunited as an Eternal Family. 

Thoughts

Since I treat this blog as a family journal, I hope those don't mind if I share my thoughts over this devastating loss. Most of the time I have no words, that frightful night as I laid my precious boy to sleep did I know that it would be the last, I would have held him longer...kissed him a 1000 more kisses...rubbed his hairless head...and told him I loved him 100 more times. I feel like I am in a nightmare and just can't wake up. I want to go back and re-do that whole day...I have some guilt because I was potty training Adleigh that whole day, if I had just known, I would spent the whole day holding my sweet boy. What I wouldn't give to hear him laugh, or see him suck on his hands or look at me like I am just crazy because I talk in my baby voice. They say that you can't go over the "What if's" but how can you not? Everyone always gives me a hard time because I am SO over-protective of my children but yet this has happened...again, speechless.




The morning after, I was in a daze, I remember hearing a neighbor mowing his lawn and wanting to yell out the window "are you kidding me, I just lost my baby and your life just goes on!?" My world has stopped...turn upside down and still hasn't stopped jiggling. I feel empty, lonely. I long for something I can't fix or get. I just want to wake up...



I keep thinking this isn't suppose to happen to me...I am suppose to have a boring life...where did I sign up for this? Growing up in the church, I know the Plan of Salvation and I know all the spiritual side to this tragedy but it doesn't seem to help much. I know that Beckett is safe, happy and in the arms of Heavenly Father and other family members that we have lost. It is me that is broken. The pain in my heart just pulses hourly, my scar of his precious birth aches. The anguish in my son’s eyes is overwhelming. The grief in my daughter’s eyes makes my heart break over and over. I just want to fix this…take away their pain. Why me…why them…why us?



I will probably never stop questioning why…and I am not sure there will ever be an answer that will make me complete again.



Beckett was the most precious baby. He loved his siblings. Zeke would carry him around and show him the world. He would check on him for me if I was busy. He was feeding him bottles. Tatum was his second mother. She could hold him for hours. She recently has started to burp him and she was so proud. She told everyone about Beck and things he was doing. Mr. Boo loved Braia, although, she never held him much. She would get close (real close) to his ears and laugh (loud) or talk to him and he would turn his head and just stare and smile at her. I always thought it was odd that the loudness in her voice didn’t bother him…he loved every moment of noise in our house. Adleigh treated Beckett like her very own baby doll. She was ALWAYS trying to help me. If Beckett needed something she would help him…if she heard him cry (even from downstairs) she would coming RUNNING saying, “Oh, honey, I coming.” She called him “My Beckett.” I would have fights with her over whose “Beckett” he really was. He was definitely loved. There is no other baby that was wanted more than him.



Beckett was mine. I miss cuddling with him through the night. I miss squeezing his chunky hands and rubbing his sharp (even after I cut them) toenails. I miss spending every morning feeding him and lying in bed talking to him before everyone else woke up. I miss spending the evenings with him watching TV once the other kids were in bed. I miss him…



Hopefully someday I will be able to comprehend more of why my sweet angel was taken from us but for now…grieving is all I have.

Beckett's Life

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Our Sweet Boy