The Story

**This is the story of my Baby's last day on earth, I wanted to post this mostly for me, to remember every detail.  Luckily, I wrote most of this last September:

I have been asked, emailed, over heard, called...wondering what happen.  Everyone assumed the worst...accident, illness?  So I am going to try and type the horrible story of that day to help not only me (going over everything helps me accept things that I cannot change) but to have his last story written.  Although, I have researched and been told by the corner that SIDS is un-stoppable once it's "started."  They haven't been able to resuscitate a child once they have stopped breathing because of SIDS.  They don't know why certain babies die of SIDS...they do have statistics that show that males have a higher chance but they aren't sure why.

I awoke that Monday morning early.  Jed got Beckett and took him downstairs (he usually would give him to me in bed first but for some reason took him downstairs with him...he said that he really cuddled into him, gave him hugs) to get a bottle ready.  We just recently started formula a week earlier and Beck was having a hard time with the taste and belly aches from the switch.  He was just starting to adjust to the formula.  He brought Beckett to me, like always, and I fed him the bottle.  It was a normal day.  Beckett had a early, 8am, appointment for his 4 month check up.  So I hurried and got the kids all clean, dressed, fed and out the door.  He had a great appointment...weighed 12lbs 11oz and had his shots and as we left the doctor said, "perfectly healthy."  That statement has rung in my head ever since.

Most of the morning and early afternoon I can't remember specifically what I did ...I wanted to potty train Addie and so my attention that day was on her.  I do remember the older kids being annoyed  because we were stuck in the house all day, it was too hot to play outside and with Addie training I really couldn't go anywhere.  Beckett was on his normal schedule...after his morning nap Tay fed him a bottle, she even burped him half through his feed and was so proud.  My oldest 2 kids have always been a big help and especially today because I was so concentrated on Addie.  Later that afternoon, I had Zee sit on the couch and feed him.  Still guilty over not feeding him most of that day...but I was trying to get Addie to go potty AND the kid's begged me (now that he was on bottles) to feed him.  I am glad that they have that memory of feeding him.  Once he was done eating and being carried around by Tay, I placed him in his bumbo chair by me in the kitchen while I started dinner.  He was so happy, I remember thinking "wow, he's in a great mood."  He normally wouldn't sit in the bumbo chair very long.  I got the kids their dinner and grabbed Beckett (still in the chair) and placed him by me on the couch while I continued folding the laundry.  He sat there with me for awhile, watching me, smiling.  I held him for awhile. 

Around 6:30pm that evening, the kids wanted to watch a movie and I couldn't find the X-box remote, so I called Jed.  I put a video on and proceeded with the laundry.  Addie was starting to fight going potty and I was getting pretty frustrated with her, at this moment Beck was getting whinny as well.  My thinking was to lay him down for a short nap, while I finish up with Addie and got the rest of the kids to bed and then I was going to wake him up and have "Beck and Mom" time, like I did every Monday night, Jed works every Monday evening.  I laid him down close to 7:30pm.  He started fussing and I remember thinking, "I should just get him,"   Zeke happened to be standing on the stairs and so I asked him to go look in my door (which was open) at 7:45pm and if Beck was still whining to bring him down.  I saw him go to my door and he tells me that Beckett wasn't crying anymore.

I finished the laundry I had by the couch, tried to get Addie to go potty and decided to put the girls to bed and I was going to leave Addie up until she went potty and then put her to bed.  I rushed the girls up to bed close to 8:00pm, they brushed their teeth, while I switched another load of laundry.  I can't remember what made me go in my room but the girls were getting in bed and I closed their door and decided to check on Beckett.  As I walked in my room, I immediately saw Beckett had turned almost sideways and was on his belly (he had just started rolling).  I rushed into the room to "fix" him and remembering thinking, "silly Beck."

Immediately finding him, his blue lifeless body, I began yelling to call 911 and grabbed him up and ran to my neighbors house.  At this point I was on the phone with 911, banging on the neighbors door who then heard me yell that my baby wasn't breathing.  Our neighbor, who is a police officer, ran to the door grabbed him and took him upstairs.  He immediately started CPR...I sat there holding Beck's hand begging him to breath.  At one point, I swear he opened his eyes and looked at me and I just kept telling him to hold on but the look in his eyes felt like a goodbye.  By the time the paramedics got there, police officers rushed me out of the room.

All I really remember next in the nurse coming in to tell me that they couldn't resuscitate my baby and then I cried and begged for them to not stop trying.  As I slowly walked to the room where he laid, I remember thinking that I just needed to hold him and he would breathe again.  He just needed my touch.  I held him that night for a few hours, rocked him, talked to him and just cried.

My whole world stopped in that moment.  Time stood still.  I lost one of the most important things to me that day.  Part of me died that day as well.  Part of me went with Beck to Heaven.  My life will never be the same without him.  I have learned to live...I have learned to survive...I have learned to put my whole trust in the Lord...I have learned to lean on my husband...I have learned how to let people in and support me.  As I sit here...crying, still wanting him to come back, like he could all of a sudden magically appear...the pain, the hurt, the emptiness in my stomach still comes back as strong as it did a year ago.  The pain hasn't lessened, probably never will, but I am able to handle it better.  People have told me that getting the image of Beckett from that day out of my mind will be hard...for me, I choose to not remember him that way...I remember him smiling.  I remember him sitting on my bed watching me while I got my make-up on and just smiling at me, distracting me from what I was doing...watching VH1 Top videos and singing along to him, he loved music.  That is the image I remember most.  My little buddy, my boy, my baby sitting with me on my bed.

So there is the ending...of his story...but the beginning of my new, different life.  I can say that I am proud of the way I have handled the hardest trial I have ever endured and still dealing with...his memory is still as strong, alive as it was a year ago and to me that is exactly what I want. 

(Our Sweet Boy April 7- August 9, 2010)