Any 'Ol Sunday

Look at my handsome boy...can't believe how much he has grown up.  I remember yesterday struggling through the night to get him to SLEEP and yet sometimes I still feel that way :)  He is really growing up, he is getting more of a humor and makes the funniest faces when he makes a joke, along with the cutest giggle to follow.  His personality is shining through.  We just love our boy, he brings so much happiness into our home through helping his sisters, mom and telling us all his crazy stories.

So serious, which she is lately.  She has definitely changed over the past few months and every once in awhile we'll get a glimpse of her carefree attitude.  She is like my "best friend" in the way she interacts with me...she can tell me anything and loves to just sit with me.  She draws the most wonderful pictures of the family, flowers, hearts and Beckett.  She loves school and her teacher.  She has made great friends and enjoys the social aspect of school.  Our house would definitely be dull without her, she can make any one's day with one of her hugs.

What more can I say about our Brown-Eyed girl...she has enjoyed starting school at Fireside and has made great friends that will follow to kindergarten next year.  She is growing up so fast.  She is smart and picks up things fast.  Her preschool teacher has told me numerous times that she could be thrown into first grade now and do GREAT!  I am so proud of her and the way she has the desire to learn.  She is our cuddle bug and loves the attention of others.  She makes friends anywhere we go and can even "steal" them away from her siblings.  Bray gives us so much...she is our quiet child and her passive attitude is something our family cherishes.

Addie is our wild child.  She started preschool in December and definitely thinks she is a big girl.  She has come a long way in her speech and is becoming more understandable to others.  Her speech therapist told me today that she is surprised by her every week because she says more and more.  She has a new little friend, Aaron, that takes care of her at school.  He helps her and follows her around to show her everything.  It is so sweet.  They are also in Sunbeans together as well.  That's right, Addie is in PRIMARY!  I have NO kid's in Nursery for the first time in 7+ years.  Addie can light up a room when she smiles and her silly personality makes us all laugh.  She enjoys being center of attention!

We decorated Beck's grave on Sunday for Valentine's Day.  I wanted to do something for him, so that other people can see how much he is loved and missed.  I found this PERFECT sign that says:  Love Always and Forever and I thought it would be perfect for his grave.  Never thought I could miss him more than I already did but as each day moves on I miss him more and more.  It seems like forever since I held him.

(Pic from November 2010)

Baby #6 - Finally starting to look pregnant and feeling the baby move, which is always the fun part of pregnancy.  My back has started to hurt again and I am needing help to sit up...my body definitely falls apart when pregnant.  We are trying to come up with the "perfect" name and as of now our list isn't so big but we still have a while to figure it out.  We have another ultrasound in a couple of weeks to check the placenta since my placentas always seem to fail on me.  So far this pregnancy hasn't had any concerns, which is nice. 

BEAR is FIVE

So late...Our Bray-Bray Bear turned FIVE...the BIG birthday, she is so excited to start Kindergarten this next fall.  She wants the same teacher that Tay has right now...who IS great!  Braia is currently in preschool 4 days a week at Fireside Elementary.  She is a GIRLIE-GIRL...she defines the word.  She LOVES anything makeup, purses, dresses, shoes...she loves playing with dolls, barbies and the newest toys Squishy Squashies Squinkies.  Bear is the sweetest child.  She can make a friend anywhere, her sister gets mad because she always ends up "stealing" her friends.  She loves playing with other kids.  She has a kind heart and definitely doesn't like to do anything wrong.  BUT she is turning into a SNEAKY little thing...just like her brother was.  She is consistently sneaking into my room and grabbing stuff.  She carries around this blue purse and I never thought to look inside...well, when I did I found my make-up remover, my cover-up, lipstick, money and some Beckett pictures...I couldn't believe, and wondered how long, she had my stuff!  Braia is so close to my mom, JoJo.  She definitely knows that she is special in the eyes of her Grandma, be
gs all the time to go over to her house because JoJo does WHATEVER she wants.  She is also a daddy's girl.  She likes when Dad comes home and watches movies with her or colors with her.  Braia is our TEENY WEENY baby who brings joy into our lives every day.  Her smile and eyes can light up a room.  WE LOVE YOU BEAR and hope you had a wonderful birthday!!  XOXO









HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!

New Year's Eve and Day

So far behind on my posting and just now editing my photos.  New Year's Eve we spent at a good friend's house, who have been a wonderful support these past few months.  Our daughters get along so well and we really enjoy spending time with their family...we actually made it up to Midnight...actually ALL the kid's did too!! 

New Year's Day we did our tradition of letting the kid's make their own French Bread Pizza.  I actually made my dad's pizza sauce and it turned out, totally makes the pizza!  Zeke spent the night at JoJo and Popper's house so he didn't get to participate with us for lunch but I am sure he had a BLAST with his grandparents! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, may 2011 bring everyone much JOY and HEALTH!

March On

Don’t cry

Open up your eyes and know

There’s someone else out there that feels this way

I’m singing to you

Cause I know what you’ve been through and now

It’s not so long ago I felt the same

Like soldiers, March on

If we can make it through the night will see the sun

March on, march on

Through the good times,

Through the bad times

Through the long days

Through the hard nights

Keep on till we see the sun

(March On by: Good Charlotte)

Exactly what our family is living through right now. We "March On" everyday and live life the best we can. I have made such great friends through this loss. Friends that I am so thankful and glad that I have met. They have been through similar or same experience as me and I can see that I can be happy in the future. They are amazing strength to me. You know who you are...so Thank You, for being a friend, a shoulder to cry on, an example to me and a tremendous support.

I have a inner struggle that daily goes on in my head...I don't want my baby gone and so I don't want my life to go on without him...but it has too and it sucks. I don't want to live my life while dragging my feet. Seeing others that have lost a child and ARE still happy is something that I want. Seeing others that have gone on to have another child and not be a crazy mess...is inspirational to me. I am so deeply afraid that this baby won’t "stay" and I can't go through this again. I admit it...I am scared. So I "March On" until we see the sun...

New Year, New Announcement

So most of you know that we are expecting again in June 2011.  We were really surprised to find out that we were pregnant again.  I will admit that at first it was very hard to accept and to be happy.  As time has gone on, I have learned to be grateful for any blessing that comes to our family.  We will love this baby with all of our hearts.  I think this little BOY will help heal my children's heart as well.  I hope this baby brings much happiness and joy back into our family.  In NO way is this baby replacing our sweet Beckett.  No one could ever replace the lost, hurt and memory of him.  This new baby will definitely know EVERYTHING about his Big Brother.

As I waited for the ultrasound to begin, so nervous for the news, I know that Beckett was there with me, letting me know that things would be okay.  I found out the baby was a boy.  I came straight home and made a dark BLUE cake and iced it.  While everyone was gone, I had time to really think about it.  I was so sad, which surprised me because I really wanted to give Zeke another brother.  All I kept thinking was, I would have gladly taken care of BOTH of these boys...Beckett didn't have to die...I was having really confusing thoughts...I didn't understand why Heavenly Father would take away my precious boy to just give our family another boy.  I figured a girl would be emotionally easier for me.  As I sat and thought...cried...over this news, I realized that in my heart, I wanted another boy.  I think I felt a bit of guilt feeling that way.  Since Beckett couldn't stay...hopefully this baby will be able to give Zeke the chance to do the things he wanted to do with Beckett.  So I came to peace that this IS the right thing for my family...we have the PERFECT family...3 BOYS and 3 GIRLS...it's just a little bit different because one of them is only with us spiritually. 

So as we gather the whole family together, I knew that Tatum (well, most of the girls) really wanted a sister.  I figured it was more of a girl verse boy thing.  As Jed slowly cut the cake and turned over the DARK BLUE everyone screamed in excitement until I noticed that Tatum was just staring at the cake.  I went over to her and she just began to cry...she was so upset.  I kept telling her that this would be good.  She said she didn't want a boy, she wanted a sister.  We took her over to couch and she just cried and I told her that she took such good care of Beckett, that he wanted her to have another brother to help take of.  She immediately wanted to look at Beckett's picture book and then sat there for awhile going through each page and telling us all about the memory's of each picture.  Her poor heart is just broken...I think...she is scared to have another baby boy, when Beckett died something in her died as well, her innocence.  I reassured her that this would be a great thing, she would get to help take care of him JUST like she did with Beck.  Her poor heart doesn't want to get broke again, she is definitely protecting herself.  She is much happier today about this baby being a boy. 

We are all still trying to heal and I am so sure that this baby is exactly what we need!

Christmas 2010

Christmas Eve

Christmas Day

The New Year

As 2010 comes to a close...part of me is so excited to have this horrible, hard, heartbreaking year behind us and the other part of me is sad by the fact that this IS Beckett's year...and it has ended.  One more thing that has "ended" Beckett's life.  Although, I would never want to relive these last 4 months 3 weeks but at the same time, I would love to go back and relive those 4 months 2 days with my precious baby.  Not sure if there is anything during that time that I would change BUT that day, don't even know if it will make a difference to change anything on that day by what we have learned about SIDS.  I wish it could be like a CD on repeat and we could just live those 4 months and ONE day over and over again.  I look at pictures of us during those months and all I can see is happiness and innocences...our lives were SO happy.  When I look at pictures now...I see emptiness and saddness. 

So as we say Goodbye to 2010...it is definitely not a Goodbye to Our Beckett.  He is still going to live through us...we all will live each day like it is our last.  You never know how short life is until something like this happens.  I want to live my life in away that Beckett would be proud to call me his mother.  I want my other children to live a righteous life so that they can be with their little brother again.  So Goodbye 2010...and Hello to our new found STRENGTH in 2011.

Big Girl Growing Up

Addie started preschool last week and I am in shock at how well she is doing.  The teacher called her "talkative, cooperative"  MY ADLEIGH!?  :)  She has enjoyed going and being like her older siblings.  She goes 4 days a week for 3 hours a day.  I miss her home with me but I know this is what she needs to improve her speech skills.  Here are some pictures of her very first day!