Last Few Days of School

All the girls got a class party the last day of school.  Poor Zee got to...bring a rag...and clean the classroom  :(  I was told that after 1st grade they don't do parties and stuff at the end of the school year.  I felt terrible because the girls had such a great time while Zee was cleaning the school!  Both preschool classes had a pot luck breakfast/lunch at the park and Tay's class met at the same park for treats...luckily the park is right behind my house :)  So I didn't have to do much walking.  They all sure enjoyed this school year...a little bumpy in the beginning, considering what happened a week before school started...but overall, they ALL had GREAT teachers and LEARNED so much!  I *Heart* Fireside!!

My fault for sending Jed to school with the camera to get a picture of Zee and his teacher...he took ONE picture and Zee's eyes are closed.

First Week of Summer - Started Out Right!

Swimming!

Memorial Day 2011

Trying to explain Memorial Day to our family was tough...they didn't understand the holiday, probably because we "remember" or "memorialize" Beckett everyday.  I told them that it was a day where we remember those that we have lost (I didn't even want to get into the subject of veterans)...Beckett...my grandma...Daddy's brother...etc.  When we visited the cemetery this weekend they couldn't believe how many people were there, we never see anyone else when we go every week...and they LOVED seeing the flowers and flags everywhere.  So at the grave I asked the kid's what they remember most about Beck. 

Zee - Carrying him around and talking to him.

Addie - Kissing him ALL the time.

Bray - Talking to him and playing with his toys.

Tay - Feeding him...burping him...and spitting up on Zee's face (as she laughed)

Dad - Rubbing his head.

Me - Just holding him and having him squeeze my fingers with his fist.

I got pretty emotional while we were there...which was a surprise to me, I have been handling it pretty calmly there for awhile now.  Can I just say that as we sat there and cut his flowers, watered his tree/grass...I hated that we have someone to visit on Memorial Day...none of my grandparents are buried near us...so we never really thought of this holiday as a memorial type day, it was mostly a family gathering for a BBQ.  I am still just so upset that this is my life...I have to visit my baby 10 miles from our house and I don't even get a hug...or a kiss...even though I have many days where I am "okay,"  this weekend wasn't one of them. 

I just wonder if I will ever have peace and acceptance that he is gone...and left me.

Remembering Beck

This time LAST YEAR

Beck was 7 Weeks Old

He went to church of the first time

He HATED laying by himself, he had to have someone to look at

Zee and him dressed alike...Zee was so proud to have a brother

Memorial Day - He was our football holder

A Year Gone

I can't believe that the end of the school year has come.  I keep telling my kid's that they can't move up in grades because I don't want them to get older...but of course they are so excited that summer is here AND Bray keeps telling me that she gets to start Kindergarten NOW.  I am still in shock that Zee is going to be a THIRD grader...Tay a FIRST grader...Bray a KINDERGARTNER and my baby Addie officially a PRESCHOOLER (by age!).  Where has the time gone!? 

Beginning of the school year/End of the school year

2010-2011

Happy List #6

1.  End of SCHOOL...summer is FINALLY here.

2.  Good news at the doctor...my blood work came back better this week AND was told they will NOT stop labor - so come on baby!!  Let's have him next week :)

3.  Jed worked more day shifts this week...so I wasn't lonely at nights, I am ALWAYS Happy about that!

4.  Zee had his first baseball game.

Kind of a small, puny list but at least I made one this week :) 

Baby Shower...Really?

Being pregnant with baby #6 I never thought I would get another shower...but everyone insisted that we HAVE to celebrate the birth of this baby.  I am ALWAYS game for a party with FRIENDS, FOOD and GAMES.  Thank you SO much to Kierstin, Deb, Katy, Jacquie and my MOM for putting this together.  It was such a fun night and definitely got me MORE excited for this baby BOY!  I couldn't believe how many people came to support me...I have the most WONDERFUL friends, ward and family.

I've always wanted a diaper cake, I think they are SO cute, so THANKS Gabbi for making this ADORABLE cake!!

We Love Music

Tay had her end of the year music program.  We have the best music teacher around, he does such a wonderful job teaching the kids songs, instruments and how to have SO much fun with music.  Tay was nervous as we watched but she did great.  She was so proud to be in the front row...she told me that she is short, so she gets to be up front...then she wore BIG heels to school and made her look like a giant in the front row.  I can't believe that my baby girl is going to be in 1st grade next year...

 

End of the Year School Party

We attend the year end party at the school...lots of Games, Food and Fun!

So glad that SUMMER is here and I am READY to relax!

All I need is my Bear

After my horribly "poor me" post yesterday (and thanks to all the family/friends that emailed or called) today's post is a bit more positive.  Everyone needs a hard day of complaining here and there...right?

Bray has always been a sweet and caring girl.  She has been so sensitive towards me since Beck died.  When he first died she promised my mom that every time she saw me crying to give me a hug...which she did religiously...and still does to this day.  The other day while we were picking up her sister at kindergarten she grabs a dandelion, the white part of the plant (although I had no idea that they had the same name- we call them " blowy things" :) and said:

"My wish...is to have Beckett come back."

Normally I don't say anything to the kid's when they say things like that because I don't want them to feel bad that this can't happen...I am still trying to get the reality of that myself.  It was just so sweet that she had Beck on her mind.  To know that she is still thinking of him (9+ months later) AND trying to make me feel better (figure that is why she said that) was the sweetest gift that I needed this week.  I pulled out a calendar last Monday and realized it has been 40 weeks since that awful  day last August and has made these past days much harder.

I love how Bray can make me happy just being here, she doesn't have to be the "spotlight" in the room but with her contagious laugh she is well known around the house.  I admire that she can make a friend anywhere...she has made "life-long" friends at the park after playing for just an hour.  I hope that quality never changes.  I hope that she knows (someday) what a huge part she has played in my healing...she will probably never understand what each ONE of those hugs have meant to me over these months. 

After she blew the "flower" away...she asks why I don't wish him to come back...and I simply told her I do, I'd make it happen in an instant if I could...she tells me that I need to find a "Blowy Thing" and make THE wish. 

I Hate These Shoes

I didn't do a Happy List this weekend because I have had a really hard time being "happy."  Which I know is the whole point of the blog hop...to find things to be happy about when your life is turned upside down...but I didn't make a list, I guess I am being selfish with my thoughts this weekend and only thinking of what I don't have.


My shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I read that one another SIDS Mommy's blog and it is so true.  This week has been incredibly hard, not really sure why...maybe my mind is realizing that this baby is coming very soon and my heart is afraid to get broken.  I've been thinking a lot about Beckett lately, not like I didn't before, he has just consumed more of my thinking process as of lately.  It just STILL seems so unreal that he is gone...I went back to my August 2010 posts and read through them and I saw how happy I was OR how proud I was of each of my children...I just want all that back.  Where ever I am I always think...I should have a little 1 year old with me...and I think about what he would be doing, probably driving me crazy because he would be walking and wanting to explore...but I want that craziness.  I want to be frustrated and think I can't go anywhere because I have a loud 1-year-old running around.  I want back the sleepless nights just praying that he'd go back to sleep.  I want the annoying task of baby proofing my house so that my baby doesn't get into things.  I just want it all back...the good, the bad and the incredibly hard life with 5 wild kids.

I am still having issues that this new baby isn't going to know his brother.  Not sure why it is bothering me so much but I hate how this baby is going to think its normal to visit cemeteries and have a deceased brother.  He's only going to know Beckett through photos and videos.  I'm afraid that he wont know me...as I once was...because I have definitely changed and probably not all for the good.  He'll wonder why I am so over-protective and I'm sure he'll think its normal to have mother that breaks down crying at any minute.  He is not getting the best of me...but a broken version.  I am going to try my hardest to relax and enjoy every moment but I wouldn't be honest with myself if I said I wasn't scared...I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't admit that every time this baby goes to sleep I'm going to wonder if its the last time I'll see him alive.  I know I am torturing myself going over all these "What Ifs" but it is so hard not to think about them...I don't live in my perfect little bubble anymore. 

I am trying so hard to fill these shoes but what I really want to do...is throw them, destroy them and wish they weren't mine.