The Never's

As I have posted the last 2 posts that I had written of Beckett, it made me realize more that there is never going to be anything else...never a first word, never a first step, never a first day of school, etc.  I think that is one of the hardest things I am dealing with right now.  As my children started school all I could think of was that I was never going to see Beck start Kindergarten and then my mind wanders to what he would have looked like at 5 years old.  It hurts.  I usually have to stop myself because I can go on and on over what I am missing out on with him.

At church today we talked about Job and all the trials he went through and how he stayed faithful to Christ...I am barely hanging on by a thread.  Suffering.  I think I have never understood real pain until now.  But to think about what Job went through...losing his possessions and family, friends, etc. and he was still able to hold strong until he was blessed again.  It is harder for me to see any light right now...I mean it's been almost 3 weeks and feels like a lifetime since I have held my sweet boy.

They say that we are only tested to the limit that we can handle but I don't think I can handle this.  I am trying to hold up for my children's stake.  I keep asking the questions Why, Why me, What did I do?  Learning in church, those are questions that wont ever be answered, at least not the answers that I am looking for.  Our teacher left us with 4 questions that we should be asking instead of the "whys" that I wrote down and am hoping that someday I will be able to answer them.

1.  What am I to do now?
2.  What am I to learn?
3.  What am I to change?
4.  Who am I to help?

Not sure I will be able to answer those questions for awhile but they are on my mind.  I just hope that one day...maybe not soon...maybe not for a long time...I can look back and see how we grew as a family, instead of the pain, hurt and sorrow.

Hands (Last Post of Beckett)

Beckett discovered his hands over the past few days.  He is ALWAYS trying to suck on them but can't seem to keep them in or near his mouth.  The other day I saw him totally looking at his hands, he kept going cross-eyed to watch them :)

Last 2 post of Beckett

Vid-i-ot...so young :)  My family was a TV family, I have my shows, Jed has his...but seriously my other kids can take or leave the TV - They would rather play outside or with friends.  Beck just LOVES to watch the PBS channel...so at least he picks something he can learn from!

His eyes will NOT leave the screen!

Poem

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't look so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Memories

Tonight we visited Beckett's grave because they have put the temporary headstone on and also to bring some fresh flowers.  We thought it would be therapeutic to go around and say a memory that we have of our sweet baby.  There were some tears (mostly from me) but everyone enjoyed sharing some thoughts about Beckett. 

Dad - Whenever he would pick him up, he would snuggle into him.

Mom - Whenever he smiled, he would bring his hands to his mouth and smile with his whole body.

Zeke -  Carrying him around everywhere

Tatum - Carrying him and having him laugh in her lap

Braia - Talking to him

Adleigh - Liked to kiss him

Simple things are all we have but we all hold them dear to our hearts.  This child will not...cannot...be forgotten. 

I still have my pretty tough moments but someone reminded me the other day...that instead of only looking at this as a loss (a huge, incredibly difficult loss)...we should be thankful for each one of those days that we spent with this precious child.  Since Beckett has passed, I have researched a lot through lds.org, looking for answers, wondering why.  I found this article by Bruce R. McConkie that quoted a Joseph Smith's statement:

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth.” Here

Too pure, too lovely to live on earth...helps...a bit.  Beckett was like an old soul.  He watched everything, like he was taking as much information in as he possibly could.  He had a more mature sense of humor.  I use to joke to my mom that he better loosen up because you HAVE to have a sense of humor in our house to make it through the masses of children. 

One of the hardest things about this whole situation is my kids.  We have been so worried about Zeke and thinking that he was going to take this the hardest.  I was told today that we needed to keep an eye on Tatum, from the school psychologist.  She doesn't like talking about Beckett.  I always tell her when she is ready that I am here to listen or cry with her.  She is breaking on the inside.  My once happy girl, is deeply sadden by the loss of her brother, her friend, her baby.  If only I could take the pain of my family on myself.  

Beckett is our Angel...I reminded the kids of that this evening.  I hope he is watching out for his siblings and parents.  Until we meet again, sweet boy, this pain wont leave.  I look forward to the day that we can be reunited as an Eternal Family. 

Thoughts

Since I treat this blog as a family journal, I hope those don't mind if I share my thoughts over this devastating loss. Most of the time I have no words, that frightful night as I laid my precious boy to sleep did I know that it would be the last, I would have held him longer...kissed him a 1000 more kisses...rubbed his hairless head...and told him I loved him 100 more times. I feel like I am in a nightmare and just can't wake up. I want to go back and re-do that whole day...I have some guilt because I was potty training Adleigh that whole day, if I had just known, I would spent the whole day holding my sweet boy. What I wouldn't give to hear him laugh, or see him suck on his hands or look at me like I am just crazy because I talk in my baby voice. They say that you can't go over the "What if's" but how can you not? Everyone always gives me a hard time because I am SO over-protective of my children but yet this has happened...again, speechless.




The morning after, I was in a daze, I remember hearing a neighbor mowing his lawn and wanting to yell out the window "are you kidding me, I just lost my baby and your life just goes on!?" My world has stopped...turn upside down and still hasn't stopped jiggling. I feel empty, lonely. I long for something I can't fix or get. I just want to wake up...



I keep thinking this isn't suppose to happen to me...I am suppose to have a boring life...where did I sign up for this? Growing up in the church, I know the Plan of Salvation and I know all the spiritual side to this tragedy but it doesn't seem to help much. I know that Beckett is safe, happy and in the arms of Heavenly Father and other family members that we have lost. It is me that is broken. The pain in my heart just pulses hourly, my scar of his precious birth aches. The anguish in my son’s eyes is overwhelming. The grief in my daughter’s eyes makes my heart break over and over. I just want to fix this…take away their pain. Why me…why them…why us?



I will probably never stop questioning why…and I am not sure there will ever be an answer that will make me complete again.



Beckett was the most precious baby. He loved his siblings. Zeke would carry him around and show him the world. He would check on him for me if I was busy. He was feeding him bottles. Tatum was his second mother. She could hold him for hours. She recently has started to burp him and she was so proud. She told everyone about Beck and things he was doing. Mr. Boo loved Braia, although, she never held him much. She would get close (real close) to his ears and laugh (loud) or talk to him and he would turn his head and just stare and smile at her. I always thought it was odd that the loudness in her voice didn’t bother him…he loved every moment of noise in our house. Adleigh treated Beckett like her very own baby doll. She was ALWAYS trying to help me. If Beckett needed something she would help him…if she heard him cry (even from downstairs) she would coming RUNNING saying, “Oh, honey, I coming.” She called him “My Beckett.” I would have fights with her over whose “Beckett” he really was. He was definitely loved. There is no other baby that was wanted more than him.



Beckett was mine. I miss cuddling with him through the night. I miss squeezing his chunky hands and rubbing his sharp (even after I cut them) toenails. I miss spending every morning feeding him and lying in bed talking to him before everyone else woke up. I miss spending the evenings with him watching TV once the other kids were in bed. I miss him…



Hopefully someday I will be able to comprehend more of why my sweet angel was taken from us but for now…grieving is all I have.

Beckett's Life

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Our Sweet Boy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

The only picture I could find of us was last summer...I look COMPLETELY different :( and So does she!  She has been doing that HCG diet and is looking great!!  I've gone in the opposite direction but I do have a beautiful baby boy to thank for that!

JUST WANTED TO SAY HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU LINDS!  WE LOVE AND MISS YOU AND WISH WE COULD HAVE SPENT THE DAY WITH YOU.  HOPEFULLY SPENCER TOOK GREAT CARE OF YOU ON YOUR DAY!

Birthday Party

We officially celebrated Jed's birthday on Sunday with the family.  We had a BBQ dinner and cake/ice cream!

The kids always try and blow out every ones candles...Jed tried to stop Tatum.

Even once the candles are out...they keep try to blow them out, hehe

4 Months Old...

My has the time gone by!  It seems like yesterday...and mostly because I am still having c-section recovery issues (mostly in my head, but still :)  Let's see...Beckett rolled from his belly to his back (easy) on August 3...still hasn't tried rolling the other way.  Everyone is STILL fighting over who gets to hold, feed, help, etc. him.  He started formula on August 2...I'm FREE!!  No but seriously, it's mostly because school is starting in a couple of weeks and having a nursing baby isn't the easiest thing to do with 5 kids around. 

He is smiling all the time but not a lot of giggles are heard.  He is a pretty serious baby.  He likes to be talked to and will sometimes talk back :)

How have has he changed in looks?  Mostly just put weight on and lost his tan :)

BIRTH AND 1 MONTH OLD

2 MONTHS AND 3 MONTHS OLD


4 MONTHS OLD

Our Kids

Our family has basically 2 looks...can you see them? 

Zeke 7 yr old

Tatum 5 yr old

Braia 4 yr old

Adleigh 2 yr old

Beckett 4 Months

Blog2Print

I finally got a blog book printed.  It was SO easy which is what I have time to do currently.  I usually scrapbook but that is so much money and time.  This was so easy and the quality is good.  The only thing I would complain about was that the pictures are tiny, I would rather have them BIG!  Here is a couple of pictures.  I definitely recommend this site if you want something fast to print out.  This will be our family journal.

"It's Your Party"

Happy Birthday Honey!!

Jed had another birthday!  My parents took us all out to dinner to celebrate.  I hope he had a great day, it was a pretty normal one.  He did finish the Reserve Hiring process with Lafayette, so hopefully that was a good birthday present!

(Beckett wouldn't stop crying until we laid him on his belly on the seat...I'm sure the people around us where glad when he finally settled down)

We Love you Jed and hope you know how much you mean to me and the kids! 

All Smiles

Beckett really isn't a "happy" baby.  It takes a bit to get him to smile, he doesn't really giggle very much.  He is just more of a serious baby.  The other day at the pool, I got some great smile shots!

Here is my beautiful boy:

How do YOU sleep?

If you were one of my girls...it would be in a pile of blankets, legs and arms :)

Night Out on the Town

In Denver...which I hate going.  I always get lost and for some reason, I'm scared while I'm there.  I guess I like the security of Louisville :)

My Mom and Dad took all the adults to a Mystery Murder Dinner for my Brother's birthday.  It was a lot of fun to be with my family and have no kiddo distractions.  I even left Beckett for the first time, poor babysitter had ALL 5 kids at once!  It was very entertaining, the food wasn't that good but it was still a lot of fun.  We ended up having 2 of the actors at our table, which I spotted once they sat down!  Jed picked out who the killer was before we even sat down to eat, no one believed him.  He got SO into this dinner, reading the evidence and really was the only one of us trying to figure out the story!  He did figure out the story, guess he will make a great cop!  Thanks mom and dad!!

Didn't get a picture of Austin, my camera died RIGHT when it started!!  Sorry bro :(

Pictures from the Canoe Party

My favorites :)

Summer Time Eating

One thing I LOVE about the summer is that I can pretty much feed my kids anything...messy that is!  I hate having cherries because they get EVERYWHERE but this summer I buy them every time we go to the pool because they can just jump in the pool...POOF...they are clean!  This is why they can ONLY eat them there...

Smashed :(

Since Jed still doesn't have a real full-time job, we rarely go out to eat.  We had a gift certificate to Texas Roadhouse (yum!) and decided to take the kids out to eat.  They LOVE to eat there :)

I dropped Jed and Zeke off at the restaurant to get a table and I went and found a parking space.  As I am holding Beck's chair and making sure the older 2 girls don't run into the parking lot, I look to see Addie climbing out of the car and press the button so the car door shuts.  As I watch I notice that she is following the door with her thumb and before I could yell out to move her hand (it was like slow motion) the door shut on her thumb!  I immediately open the door and she got her hand out.  It was HUGE and swollen.  I felt terrible!  I hate when my kids get hurt, it just makes me sick to my stomach, I don't like to see them in pain and if I could take the pain for them I would.  Anyways, we find Jed and he checks it out and says that it looks okay, just really smashed.  During dinner we notice that she isn't using that hand at all and wouldn't let us look at it and kept saying that it hurts!  So just to be safe we took her to the ER, it looked broken.  It ended up being fine, but she got an x-ray of her hand, which she thought was pretty neat.  If you know Adleigh, she wont let ANY stranger talk or touch her...so the whole time she was ignoring the hospital workers, until the nurse ask if she wants a bandage, WHICH SHE LOVES TO WEAR BANDAIDS.  So they wrapped up her thumb and sent them home.

It took us a good 3 days to let us take her bandage off!  :)
She was so excited to get a SLURPEE after the ER...the kids were so jealous THAT at church the next day, Braia tells us her ears hurt.  So I kept asking her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she kept saying yes.  SO I told her after sacrament that Daddy would take her to the doctors but they would be mad if we went there and she really wasn't sick.  She said she was and that her ears hurt real bad...then she says, "Can I get a slurpee on the way home?"  I told her no, because it was Sunday and she said, "well, my ears are fine then, I'll go to class!"  Little stinker!!