Hmmmm...

My June Mommy's made me want to do one of these pictures...

Now...who do they look like?

Bray - Beck have the same eyebrows :)

Tiggers - Addie have the same shaped head!

Tay - Tiggers have the same eyes

Zee  - Tay have some similarities 

Tiggers - Beck eyes also look similar

I think...

Tay looks the most like me when I was a baby and...

Zee looks the most like Jed when he was a baby (although Zee was a MUCH cuter baby :) Sorry Jeddie)

What do you think!?

(Top Row:  Zee, Dad, Mom and Tay)
(Bottom Row: Bray, Addie, Beck and Tiggers)

More Cheers!!

Tay is loving every minute cheering for the PIRATES!!  She is such a goof-ball though :)

How could this happen.

And I can't stand the pain

And I can't make it go away

No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes

Got no where to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming

I try to make a sound but no one hears me

I'm slipping off the edge

I'm hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again
(Untitled by Simple Plan)

Such powerful lyrics.  I have definitely felt this most days.  No one really understands what WE (parents who are unfortunate to lose a child) go through each and every day.  It is very much like being in a crowded room screaming BUT no one even notices...no one dares look at me...afraid of the entire situation or that they just might "catch" the bad luck that looms over my head.  It's been a long 13 months and yet it seems so short.  I have had many people say comments to the fact of "move on," or "be happy, it was a long time ago,"  or "look at your new baby, he should make everything better."  Ummm...I didn't know that one child replaced another.  In my family, that is not how it is...if your son/daughter gets in REAL big trouble at school one day and the next day another, DIFFERENT child does something amazingly sweet...does the 2nd child's act replace that of the first child?  No, they are different people.  Maybe that example didn't make sense but I hope you understand what I mean.  I am just so tired of people thinking that Tiggers makes everything better...what a lot of pressure to put on this little guy.  Again, he makes me happy...as do my other 4 children...but I still miss Beck every single minute of every single day.

Things have definitely been somewhat better around here.  I am still so worried about Zee.  He is not dealing with this issue, I think he thinks if he doesn't think about it, talk about him...then it didn't happen.  A few weeks ago we had Parent Night at the school...trying to split our time between the younger three kid's classes the first hour was tough but the second hour of the night we got to go listen to the 3rd grade teachers.  First of all, 3rd grade is WAY more intense than 2nd grade...can I just say that school is getting harder for ME, more pressure on ME :)  Going into Zee's class...finding his desk...I sit down and go through the paper work, class projects that he has already accomplished in the first weeks of school.  I come across a "About Me" paper.  I begin reading through it and notice the part on siblings, in his 3rd grade boy handwriting I see:

I have 3 sisters and 1 brother.

I start freaking out inside.  I motion for Jed to read it and he already begins to tell me to calm down.  How can he NOT count Beck?  His baby brother that he loved...LOVES...so much.  I know this because I saw  they way he held him, took care of him, talked about him...I have seen the hurt in his eyes on many occasions...how can he act like he wasn't here?  All my thoughts were angry...I wanted to go home right then and YELL at him, he should know that it hurts me when my Beck isn't "counted" or thought of...he should know.  By the time I got home, explained the situation to my parents...who also helped calmed me down and pleaded that I should NOT yell at him.  Everyone told me to drop it...let it go.

Of course I couldn't do that...let it go.  The next morning I asked him to come talk with me on the couch.  Staying calm...I tell him all the wonderful things his teacher had to say, how great his projects were...and then I asked about the paper.  I told him that I saw that he put "1 brother" on the "about me" poster.  I asked him why he said that, I explained to him that it is okay if he doesn't want to talk about Beck at school but it hurts me when I see that he acts like Beck was never here.  The only response I got from him was , "Oh, I forgot.  I forgot to put him mom."  Knowing that he could not forget I realized that he is NOT comfortable with this fact, this reality...his reality.  At least not at school.  A good friend, fellow SIDS Mommy, explained that he probably doesn't want to feel different at school and by not putting him on his paper meant that he didn't have to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE.  I get it.  Many times I have felt that...I hate my truth...as an adult, I can still share it and not worrying about how "different" I look...but to a almost 9 year old boy, they don't want to be different OR show weakness.  I ended the conversation by telling him that he knows how I feel but he can say or write what he feels comfortable with...but he HAS 2 brothers.

Then yesterday Zee had a friend come over after school, Jed ran them up to the Rec Center and they swam for a couple of hours before heading back to our house.  We have never had this friend over before.  When he walked into our house he saw Tiggers laying on the floor and turns to Zee and tells him how lucky he is to have a brother.  Zee replies, 'Yah,' nonchalantly.  By this time all 3 girls had come upstairs to meet this new stranger, Patrick...Patrick then begins to say how Zee has 3 sisters and 1 brother...before he could even finish his sentence Tay says:

No, we actually have 3 brothers.  Zee, Tiggers and 1 in heaven."

That's my girl!  As Tay was saying this...Bray was behind her saying, 'yah, we have THREE brothers.'  I think this was the first time that I have ever heard Tay correct someone.  Patrick was stunned, asked 'Really?' and then moved onto to the big pile of legos on the floor.  The whole time Zee stood there...didn't move...didn't say anything.  Later he told me that he was happy that Tay said something because he still can't talk about him with "new people."  I feel like Tay was a great example to him, she talked about Beck...without getting emotional or offering to much information...Zee saw his friend react but it didn't make the situation  uncomfortable...hopefully him seeing this interaction will encourage him in the future to talk about Beck with others.

Although it is really hard to watch my son suffer...mostly in silence...I know that things will be alright.  Maybe not tomorrow...or next year...but I wholeheartedly believe that THIS hard trial for Zee to go through at such a young age will make him the most wonderful man, husband and father when he is older.  He will understand how important and special life is.  I hate to see him struggling right now...his heart is still broken...the emptiness in his chest still aches...he doesn't have to tell me, I can see it in his eyes...I just need to make sure that we are here for him when he is ready to talk.  SO right now...Zee is standing in that crowded room screaming, begging for some understanding...I just need to let him know that we hear him.  

(Taken last October, 2010)

Feel Like Summer

We pulled out the sprinklers this weekend because it was in the 80's.  Tay kept telling me that school is almost over...break for the summer...because it was so hot.  I had to remind her that school basically just started and she has a LONG 8 more months ahead of her.

Dance, Dance, Dance

It has started.  I was freaking out during the summer thinking how busy...let's not forget how expensive...it will be having THREE girls in dance.  But then...Tay decided that she "hates" dance.  So having 2 girls in dance isn't as bad...I've done it before!  So Addie, FINALLY, started dance and couldn't be more excited.  She is taking to it so well and is always trying to show-off for the teacher.  Bray is having a blast, seeing her old dance buddies AND making some new friends.  She loves doing to dance. 

This past week...

Tiggers 12 weeks old - He is getting SO big!

A to Z of Me

A. Age: 28 for a few more days :)
B. Bed size: King!  Love the space, especially when tired kid's wander into our bedroom.
C. Chore that you hate: Mopping...I hate it, wont do it...thanks to Hubby for being in charge of that chore!
D. Dogs:  Um...none, got enough humans to clean up after.
E. Essential start to your day: A Pepsi!
F. Favorite color: Pink
G. Gold or Silver: Silver!
H. Height: 5'3"
I. Instruments you play: Guitar when I was younger...now I only pull it out around the holidays
J. Job title: Stay at Home Mom.
K. Kids: YES...a ton of them!
L. Live: Colorado
M. Mother’s name: Jody
N. Nicknames: Mom...Mommy...Ash
O. Overnight hospital stays: 6 times!
P. Pet peeves: Rude people!
Q. Quote from a movie: Beaches "I'm not stubborn.  I'm...right."
R. Right or left handed: Right handed
S. Siblings: Benjamin, Lindsey and Austin
U. Underwear: Of course I wear it!
V. Vegetable you hate: Homony, so gross!
W. What makes you run late: I'm rarely late BUT if I am...its my husbands fault :)
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth and chest
Y. Yummy food that you make: Gotten pretty good at making Bread...and my kid's LOVE my Buttermilk Chicken.
Z. Zoo animal: Are you asking what my fav is?  The Gorillas.

Love him!

Had to share...he is just discovering he has HANDS and has the cutest LAUGH...I know that I am annoying in the video, sorry for that :)

I cry too.

I am still amazed at how sensitive my children are.  They have just been so wonderful this past year.  They have put up with a lot...stress...crying...disappointment...heartache...but hearing them run around the backyard or in the basement with so many giggles and laughs truly makes things better.  With everything that they have been through they stand strong.  They are definitely a lesson to me.  They take things in stride and don't let these things knock them down.

At dance this week I had 2 incredibly hard experiences.  As I was sitting there with Tiggers and Addie...Bray's class had just begun...in walks a mom that I knew from previous dance classes.  Her daughter took dance class with Tay 2 years ago.  She knew I had been pregnant and even met Beck when he was a newborn.  As soon as she saw me she came over to say hi...I know that I've changed, normally I would have been my bubbly self, gave her hug, started talking non-stop about something pointless...but I just sat there, afraid of what she was going to ask or say.  I didn't move nor say anything...honestly, i could barely look at her because I knew what she was going to ask.  She asks how I am doing...and then asks:

How's Beck...Where is he?

Ugh...I felt the lump in my throat swell up.  At first I wanted to stand up and hug her...she remembered his name, was my first thought.  That alone brought tears to my eyes.  Sitting there I had to tell this woman...the horrible story...that my baby boy is no longer here with me.  As she sat down...stunned...silence.  She then burst into tears and just kept apologizing.  I have gotten really good at composing myself lately but sometimes I can't.  I turned into a mess.  We talked.  I hate when moments like this happen...especially in a public place where others are either listening or wondering what the heck we are talking about...but it also gives me a chance to talk about him and tell everyone about his wonderful life.

Then as I was leaving the owner of the studio came over to me...she recently found out about Beck 2 weeks ago.  2 weeks ago I happened to be in their office talking to the receptionist and she asked about Tiggers.  I believe her words were...YOU HAD ANOTHER BABY...and I said yes, wondering if she even knew about Beck.  She looked confused and asked if I had another baby a year ago...my sweet Beck...I tell her yes, leaving it at that.  She then asks where he is ...and so I told her about him.  She reacted unlike most...completely broke down in tears in unbelief...telling me that she is so sorry, she didn't know...she wanted to know everything...why, how.  I told her the story.  Anyways, so at dance this week she came over to me and immediately grabbed me into a hug.  She begins to tell me that she has thought a lot about me over the past couple of weeks...she has watched me...and wanted to tell me how strong I was and how completely sorry she was.  She asked to see pictures of him...and of course I have a billion pictures on my phone...

When things like this happen they of course throw me into a emotional mess...but it's not bad.  I wish SOMEONE could mention Beck to me everyday and it not have to be me to bring him up...I feel lucky that I got to talk to TWO people in ONE day about my sweet boy.  Hard...yes...but at least I got to talk about my little love.

As we got in the car...not thinking that Bray had seen or heard anything, she tells me:

I cry too mom.  When I hear Beck's music I always cry.  I cry in my room when I am alone.

Seriously, that couldn't have been the most PERFECT thing to say to me.  I LOVE when my kid's tell me that they think of him.  I hate that it HURTS them but I LOVE when they express any emotions to me.  And if things couldn't get any better...my Bray-Bear says: 

Remember mom, when you cry I am suppose to give you a hug...I am the best hug giver!

Yes she is!  I love my Bear and want her to always know how special she is.  She has always been so wonderful to me since Beck's passing.  I definitely wouldn't have made it theses past 13 months without this Brown-Eyed beauty.  I knew she was special BUT she is even more than that.

This Week

Shower time

Hangin' out with momma

Giving his famous stares

If he isn't nursing...then he is eating his hands!

Big Changes

We are MOVING!!  Finally...a newer, bigger, better HOUSE!!  Still close enough to keep our kid's at their school.  Close enough to see my parents regularly.  Still close to my baby boy's grave.  Everything about this house is exciting.  Has a BEAUTIFUL kitchen...4 bedrooms upstairs...a BIG yard with a nice deck...an unfinished basement where we can do whatever we want with...NO carpet under our kitchen table (that is a BIG plus)...But

We are leaving my Beck's house...this is his house.  All of his memories are here.  Everything about this house reminds us in some way of him.  Sitting on the kitchen counter while I cooked, swinging on the swing set outside, sitting with me in the front yard as we watched his siblings ride their bikes, where he took his first shower, first bath, etc.  Every room has a memory.  The only room where he "should not" have a memory is the play room...it was always a mess and the kid's were constantly leaving small toys, etc. on the floor but...even that room has a small memory.  Last summer we were consistently running the air conditioner and with all the power it sucked up it was always tripping a breaker (is that how you say it?) Anyways, I was too afraid to go to the power box thing and switch the power back on...sooooo Beck and I traveled downstairs, plugged in about 5 fans and sat there with the kid's watching TV until Dad made it home to turn the power back on upstairs.  I remember holding him...lots of sweating...but laughing because his silly mom wasn't brave enough to battle with a couple of spiders to make everyone comfortable.  What I wouldn't give to be sitting there sweating with him again.

The room I will probably miss the most...our bedroom.  Even though that has the ONE worst memory that has haunted me for months.  It was THE room where I spent every night with him.  Every night cuddling, making him smile, talking to him...where it was just ME and HIM (on the evenings that Jed was working of course).  There was never a distraction from another child.  It was all about him.  He would lay there with me as I waited until his Dad got home from work.  He would lay with me while I was scared to death that someone was going to break in (because living in the #1 place to live in the USA didn't calm my nerves).  Laying there with me as I watched my silly TV shows, I think he made it through all 4 seasons of Tudors :)  Laying him on my giant bed, this teeny little guy, to watch TV while I got ready for bed...he would constantly take his eyes off the TV to check and make sure I was still there.  Every morning as I got the kids ready for school he would lay next to me and just stare at me or one of the other kid's.  He was always watching us...observing what we were doing.  I remember a certain day VERY clearly, it happens to be his blessing day.  We had company staying with us so all 7 of us were cramped into our small master bedroom but I remember thinking how great it was to have EVERYONE so close, I am sure Jed didn't feel the same way :)  I remember trying to get everyone ready that morning for 9am church...I had VH1 videos on (I know, I know great spiritual church music) Beck was laying on my pillow next to me, watching me and I was singing along with the TV.  I can still picture his beautiful smile and inquisitive eyes as he observed.  I believe the song I remember singing was King of Anything.  This room has a TON of good memories.

This room is still HIM...it's where I sit in the evenings and just think about him...cry over him.  This room is where I have prayed so hard in my life for things that I knew could not be changed.  It is the place where I could hide from the world and just break down in tears that would bring me to my knees because the pain of what I was going through was too hard to bare.  This house has every amount of emotion that I have felt...good and bad...through the past year.  Just like if I could go back 2 years ago, knowing how hard it would be to have my baby boy leave me...I would do it ALL again to just have those 4 months with him again, I can't have him without having to go through this awful experience because this was his life...the house IS the same.  IT comes with all the BAD memories BUT most importantly has all the WONDERFUL memories...I can't have one without the other.   

Not only was this Beck's house BUT this was the house where we brought our sweet Addie home from the hospital.  We moved in when I was about 36 weeks pregnant and READY to have my new baby girl.  This is the house where she learned to walk.  This is the house where we watched her dance through the living room.  This is the house where she grew from a tiny baby into a beautiful, shinning little girl.  This is the house where she celebrated her first Christmas...her first birthday...and everything else.  This is the house where she learned to talk...an incredibly hard thing for her to learn.  Every inch of this house has Addie's mark on it...     

Not only does this house have AMAZING memories of Beck and Addie BUT this is where Zee, Tay and Bray started their first day of Preschool, Kindergarten, etc.  This is the house they know.  This is the house they will probably remember the most.  This is their house. 

Zee turned from a little boy into a little man in this house.  He has changed so much since November 2007.  To see how much he has grown and changed throughout our life here is amazing.  His mannerisms are hilarious, not sure how to describe his laugh but it is too funny.  To be able to sit and talk to him like a person...able to carry a conversations bout history, science or life in general.  He came into this house a small boy and is leaving a young man...who at times has more insight than his parents and sense of humor that keeps his family rolling.

Tay went from a small 2 year old to a beautiful 6 year old GIRL that is growing up fast before my eyes.  She came home from school the other day telling me that she has three boys that have "crushes" on her.  Being her giddy self she turns to me and says, "isn't it great that these boys like me?"  Now if she was a 12 years old saying that I would be worried :)  but because of her age, her innocence, I laughed.  She has grown so much in the last few years.  This move I think will be best for her out of everyone.  I do believe that this house is a sad place.  She told me today that her heart still hurts, I told her mine does too.  Looking at me like she wanted an explanation I told her that this hurt probably wont ever go away...we loved Beck too much and we'll miss him every day.  I am in awe of this little girl who has so much love and compassion for others.  She definitely is walking away with so much strength.

Bray being only 1 year old knows this house only.  She has gone from essentially a baby into a brilliant, social and gorgeous 5 year old.  As she started kindergarten this school year I have really noticed how mature she is.  She is so smart and loves to learn.  I think I knew this when she was young because she remembered EVERYTHING.  This is the house where she learned to ride her bike...swing by herself...and went from a crib into a "big girl" bed.  My little bear who use to run around this house singing and dancing.  She loves making up her own songs.  She is probably the MOST excited out of everyone to move.  So as she walks away from this house...a bit taller...a lot wiser...she is looking forward to her new future.

And of course this is Tiggers first home.  Where we brought him home from the hospital.  Where he has slept since the beginning.  I am looking forward to making some new memories in a new place.  Things are just all to familiar here...with Beck's past memories that scare me.  I can't leave him alone in this house...like I am afraid this house is going to eat him up and I'll lose him also.  This move will be good...for him...for me.

With all these wonderful memories that we have had here I can't help but think about the that day.

That day has haunted me.  Even with seeing all of the wonderful moments my mind will always switch back to that one day.  Leaving the house I can still picture everything about that day...the neighbors watching...the police cars...the ambulance...it was like I was reliving that day.  For awhile I had a hard time leaving the house...because it was like I was in a dream of that day.  I definitely wont miss THOSE reminders. 

In three weeks we are ready to start our new adventure and although we are leaving behind the one and only place where Beck was with us...all of his memories, thoughts, feelings, etc. are going with us.  We are all ready for this NEW house!!  I am ready for this next chapter in our life.  

10 Weeks Ago

Was one of the happiest day of my life... 

Tiggers 10 weeks old!

Blessing Day

Let's Compare First...

All my babies on their Blessing Day.

I think...he looks like a mix of Beck and Addie!!

Pictures Galore.
It was such a wonderful day.  My sister came to town.  My youngest brother was there.  Grandparents came.  It was great to be surrounded by those that love and support us.  After church we visited his younger brother's grave and then headed back to our house for a party!  We had hoggie sandwiches AND the kid's got to make their own Ice Cream Sundaes!
We love our TIGGERS and SO happy that he is apart of our family!!  XOXO

Tigs with his Aunt Linny - THANK YOU for making the trip out to be apart of this day!!