The Start of Something Good

As most of you know...JED GOT A JOB...finally!  He was offered a job with Broomfield PD, the absolutely most PERFECT place.  We LOVE Broomfield...and it is so close that we don't need to move (of course don't tell Jed that :)  Jed has been busting his tushy trying to get a job since he graduated from the Police Academy back in December of 2009.  After every turn down, he dusted himself off and tried again.  He is truly amazing and has definitely taught our kid's that ANYTHING is possible as long as you keep trying.  He has had so many let downs but he never let it get him down...this IS his dream...I, on the other hand, was very inpatient during this whole process.  I DO believe that things happen for a reason and they happen WHEN they are suppose to. 

As much as we would have liked...LOVED...him to have gotten a job last spring...he wouldn't have been able to be there for me and Beckett when he was born and having to go back and forth to the hospital for 2 long weeks, not sure what we would have done if he had a job then...we would have LOVED even more if he had gotten a job this past summer...but I honestly believe he needed to be here, home, with his family during the 4 short months of Beckett's live, we definitely needed him.  Once Beckett died, I thought he should definitely get a job NOW...because we have just been through the worst thing we could possibly  go through and we were OWED!  But again, I truly believe that we needed some time...to work through the most emotional roller-coaster we have ever been on...so this was exactly WHEN he needed to get a job offer, Heavenly Father DOES know what he is doing but we don't always see the whole picture.

So after many, MaNy, MANY jobs...he has a career that he believes he will love and so I stand 100% behind him (or next to him :) 

Zeke and Tatum came with us to see their Dad get badged

He was sworn in this morning and it was just so great to be able to be there.  There were about 30 other various officers in the room.  I could tell Jed was a bit nervous.  After the ceremony we got a tour of the Department. 

CONGRATS JEDDIE!!

Field Trip

Preschool had a field trip to a Alzheimer's nursing home.  They sang and passed out Valentine's goodies.  It was Addie's first field trip ever.  Jed was off work on Friday so he got to walk with both girls, they loved having daddy there!

Back to the Past

Adleigh has been having a rough time these past few weeks.  3 ear infections is never any fun...especially when one leads to a burst ear drum (although, I'm sure the pressure release felt better).  I feel like we are starting her pattern over again...she had WAY to many ear infections to count the first 18 months of her life, which lead to her speech delay.  After tubes, 2 years later...I feel like the cycle is starting over again.  It was confirmed that the tubes are completely gone...so I asked if she needs to get them again...the doctor said they want to watch her and see if she gets MORE ???  I am so frustrated, she has been so sick since she was born and I just don't understand why they can't do tubes, her ears OBVIOUSLY have issues!

"She's Doing it!!"

I hear as the girls are outside playing on the first day of nice weather after some snow.  I go look out the window and my baby girl is swinging on her own!!  I was so excited, if you know me, I absolutely hate pushing kid's on the swinging...for #1 I dislike standing in the sun, my face burns easy...and #2 once you start pushing, you are stuck...pushing...forever :)  So for Addie to learn how to swing is GREAT news at our house, it means that I can RELAX this summer at the park!

WHAT A BIG GIRL!!

President's Weekend

Swimming at the Broomfield Rec Center :)

2008

My Dad also had this picture of us Christmas 2008...look at my baby girl, Adleigh!  Just 1 years old...and even I look cuter :)  Bray-Bear looks SO young as well, she is a bit younger than Addie is today, crazy how time goes so fast!

Disney World

A few months late.  My parents took Zeke and Abree (because they turned 8!) to Disney World this past November for their birthdays.  It looks like they had a BLAST!  I finally was able to get the pictures from my dad this week.  It was the first time I was ever away from Zee for more than a night, I have to admit that I was nervous.  I kept telling my parents that he isn't going but in the end, he went, had a great time and we took the girls to Breckenridge...and while we were there, the girls kept telling strangers that their brother was in Florida at Disney World BUT they were in BRECKENRIDGE haha At least they didn't realize exactly where Mr. Zee was :) WARNING:  Picture Heavy!



Did I ever think...

That one of my favorite places to go is a Grave Yard?  Although, I now do not feel as close to Beckett there like I did when he first died, I feel like it is one place where our family can feel complete...together.  As we visited his grave today, so windy, the kids decided to stay in the car after getting out and realizing that they just might blow away, I got some peace and quiet to be with Jed and Beckett's Memory.  That little spot is my favorite place to be, I feel emotionally better when I am there and when I leave I feel some sort of healing.  Not to say that I am not sad every time I leave my sweet baby there...in the ground...but I realized today that I am healing the loss of him.  I have a incredibly long way to go to be able to make 100% peace with this but I am now telling myself, "Okay, he's not coming back, now what?"  instead of praying, pleading and begging for him to come back to me.  The desire for him is still there but I figure that I need to accept that God is just not going to hand him back to me no matter how much I cry or ask, it sucks but it is reality.

Yesterday we took the kid's swimming and of course I was just going to sit out and watch, take pictures.  As I sat down I saw so many babies and pregnant women and it just made me think about Beckett and what he would be doing now if he was here.  I got so overwhelmed with emotions that I had to step away from the pool for a bit to compose myself...Jed saw this and sent 2 beautiful girls over to me to make sure I was okay.  I was having a hard time settling down but I didn't want to frighten my kids.  As I sat back down and just watched as my other kid's played in the water, I had a glimpse of happiness watching them splash their dad, knock each other under the water, etc. that it made me forget for a moment that my heart hurt.  I hate when things catch me by surprise, my emotions take over but I guess I need to get use to the fact that I never know when a little bit of reality of everything sneaks up.  Did I ever think that going swimming yesterday was going to bring me down to the darkest sadness I ever felt?  No - Would I have gone knowing that something like that would happen?  Probably Not - But in the end I am glad that I can take joy in the lives of my other children and not let my emotions stop me from doing things with them because I just might see something that reminds of what I don't have anymore.  I don't want to live my life trying to dodge something that could potentionally hurt and have my family suffer for it.

From the outside, friends and family, think I am doing much better and of course, some of the time I am.  I am not going to wake up one morning and not feel sad or depressed anymore, it is a process.  A process that I am not trying to stop anymore and learning to live...again.

Did I ever think that my favorite place would be where my baby sleeps?  No - but I am accepting more and more of what has happened and trying to put things back into place.

Valentine's Day 2011

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!!  My 4 sweet Valentines...

Finally...

Got around to getting a pregnancy picture taken...being baby #6...I look like I am FULL TERM, I am huge.

Compared to Beckett at the same time...I am MUCH bigger this time!


and last picture taken 8 weeks pg with Beckett (before the weight REALLY came on)...because OH, how I miss being in shape...pregnancy REALLY puts me behind - literally a LOT in the behind :)  And because I am not DREAMING or THINKING that I will be back at my finest this summer...here's too looking GOOD in 2012...haha didn't 2011 just start?

My Life IS Good

I have so many things to be thankful for these past few months.  I still have 4 healthy children, with the occasional cold...who are growing into self-sufficient kid's who are happy.  Thankful that each one brings something different and unique to our family.  SO very thankful I have them here with me to help me learn and teach me to serve others.  I have a wonderful husband that has been the best support to me.  I am so grateful that these past months have brought us closer together instead of far apart.  Not to say things haven't been emotionally hard but when things come down to it- he is always there for me, to talk, to listen...to just be a friend.  My best Friend. 

I am so thankful for my testimony of the gospel and the strength is gives me to get up everyday...it brings true happiness and I know that to be true.  Very thankful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, for without that I would be living in utter darkness and sorrow.  I know, without a doubt, that my family will all be together again...not for a long, long time (it feels like) but we will all be reunited one day and Oh, what a happy day that will be! 

I grateful for my parents.  They have definitely been the glue to Jed and I keeping things together for these 6 months.  Without them, we would be lost.  I so thankful that my kids have the BEST grandparents in the world who love them, teach them and give them their attention.  I am thankful that my parents taught me right from wrong, though I never actually listened much as a teenager :) BUT I am so blessed to have honest, faithful parents.  My sister, thank you for being just that.  We had a tough relationship growing up (thanks to me) but I am so glad to have you in my life and be one of my biggest supporter.  Thank you for calling me, checking on me.  I truly have the BEST sister and my kid's have the BEST Aunt Linny!  Thank you to my brothers who have been there for us.  One of them I never thought he cared to much about me but he (and his family) have stood by my family in strength, prayer and love over these past months and I am so grateful to have a BIG brother.  U.A.  you are the best Uncle ever...my kids have missed having you here to watch AFV...they are constantly asking when you are coming home...Our kid's are so lucky to have so many people love and support them!

I have to mention Jed's sister-in-law, who in more ways is like a real sister...you know which one you are, thank you so much for caring so much about my kids, Jed and myself.  You are such a great person and I am thankful that you are in our lives and constantly show us how much you care and love my family by calling, emailing and letting us know that you are there whenever I need someone to talk to.  Thank you for showing your support to our family.

I am so grateful for my friends...old, new and those I have never actually met in real life.  The overwhelming support from all over the world have been so touching.  You definitely know who your real friends are when you are going through something tough.  I am still receiving many letters, cards, emails, etc. on a daily basis from people (some I haven't met) that express their love for my family, Beckett and what this tragedy has taught them.  I cherish every letter, for it reminds me that Beckett lives on in so many other peoples heart.  The friends that have been by my side since the beginning, thank you.  Those have have sat with me to listen to me talk or cry, thank you.  Those that just walk by and touch my shoulder or give me a hug, thank you.  To my "new" friends that I have met recently or have gotten to know better since last August, thank you for being there and most of you probably do not realize how much you have helped me during this time.    

I am so grateful for having another baby.  For awhile I wasn't sure that this was going to be good, didn't think I cared to much...but the other night as I laid there trying to find the baby's heart beat, for a second I was scared that I lost another child...and it made me realize how much I already feel for this baby.  I DO care...and I AM grateful that I am given another chance to raise another child.  I really hope that this baby knows how special they are (just like the rest of my kids) and knows that no matter what, we wanted him.

 

   
So with all that being said...My life IS good.  My life may not be complete without Beckett but why can't it still be good?  With everything good in my life right now...how can I not be GRATEFUL for every blessing and relationship I have.  Again...THANK YOU for making my life better.

Is it really Feb. 2011?

Pictures of kid's outside from Sunday