Happy List #3

1.  Easter Sunday was a Happy Day.  I just love to spend time with my family.  Easter also reminds me of everything that Christ has done for me and the promises that are made.  This Holiday is so important to me... 

2.  I went on a field trip with Tay's kindergarten class...can you say a pregnant women, watching 4 girls around a HUGE zoo is a smart idea!?  :)  I actually handled it pretty well...was pretty sore by the end of the day and I rested at home the rest of the day BUT I just love being able to spend time with 1 kiddo at a time...I know that Tay enjoyed having me there, even if she can't show it in front of her friends.  On the way home she told me I was the best mom there...because I let them run around and do what they want!  haha

3.  Criminal Minds - The show...how silly it is for the show to make me happy but I haven't been able to watch this current season because I didn't start DVR-ing it until mid-season and I just can NOT start watching in the middle of a season.  My brother showed me a great website where I can catch up on all my shows :)  My nights are filled with Criminal Minds and Popcorn!  OK- That kind of makes me sound like a TV loser but hey, I love watch me some TV!

4.  Planted flowers at Beck's grave with my parents.  Each of the kids were given a flower at church on Sunday for Easter and so we planted them around his tree - so he got 4 flowers - representing his 4 siblings.  I also got a call that his marker is IN (yah!) but they haven't received his sketch yet...so still waiting BUT I have a feeling that we will be placing his NEW and BIG and PERFECT marker sometime NEXT WEEK!!!

5.  I met a friend for dinner on Wednesday night and let me just say how HAPPY and relieved I was...with Jed's new schedule change...I needed some time out, where the kids could play and I could TALK.  Thanks Deb for being a wonderful friend, not sure what I am going to do when you move, across the country, next month :(  You have been such a great friend and wonderful support for the past few years and especially these last few months...are kids get along GREAT...our husbands even like each other :) ...you have been the PERFECT friend!!

6.  Swimming ALWAYS makes my family happy.  My parents are staying in hotel while their house finishes up with the construction being done and so we get to use the pool!  We went swimming twice...it tirers out my kids, which is always nice.  My kids love the water, they are like fish.  Even Bray was getting brave in the water.  Jed got to go with us a few times and the kids really enjoy when he goes because he will actually play and throw them around :)

Things are Not Fair...Sometimes

We know with Jed's new job he has the possibility of going to a call similar to Beckett's death.  Jed comes home each evening (or morning, depending on his shift) and tells me things that he saw and calls he went to throughout his shift.  He came home on Saturday morning, like every other, and starts to tell me about how busy that night was.  He begins by telling me that he had a "bad" call (as he called it) and tells me that a lady drowned in her bathtub.  Of course I asked if she was married or alone...she was married...so I asked if her husband was okay...of course he's not...

He then tells me the rest of the story...she was an alcoholic and was drunk and took a bath...she passed out and well...drowned.  Not totally paying attention to him until he said...BUT they got her pulse back...and I completely lost it.  I feel apart...all I could think was WHY COULD THEY NOT HELP MY BABY!?  Maybe this makes me sound like a horrible person but...why her, and not my baby!?  Of course I start thinking that maybe the EMT's are better in Broomfield and that's why they couldn't get him to breathe again...why does this 64 year old women get another chance and not my baby...I was overcome with so much emotion.  I wanted to crawl into a whole and scream.  

Sometimes life just isn't fair.  I don't want anyone else to suffer as I have...but at the same time I wish it wasn't me going through this.  This pain just hurts...I just don't want this to be my life.  I was so happy 8 months ago...I had everything...a wonderful husband, who would do anything for me...5 beautiful kids who were my life...the best, most supportive parents and siblings...a wonderful group of friends...and now my life seems just a bit empty without this ONE little person here.  With everything else still around...I can't help but focus on the one thing missing.  

I just...want him back. 

The Cord
Author Unknown

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man couldn't create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

Easter at the Cemetery

Pictures from the day we decorated Beck's grave for Easter!  I couldn't figure out how to get his Easter basket to stay - Boulder wind is CRAZY - but looking around at our "neighbors" we went back the next day and anchored it in the ground with tent stakes :)  We have started watering his grave as well...he WILL have the greenest spot!!  We had to take down the Easter banner because it almost blew away - luckily it happen when my parents were there and they were able to catch it, I am going to have to figure out how to really attach it to the pole.

Easter 2011

I have explained to my children that this Holiday is so important to our family...being religious has made things a bit easier in dealing with the loss of our sweet baby.  No holiday is "easy," but it is a time for us to spend more time with each other.  Since most holidays are doing something for my children...I could not not do something in honor of Beck...so I found him his own Easter Basket (like I would have done anyways) and saw a cute little mommy bunny holding her baby...and I have that out on our table in memory of him.  What a lucky baby, my daughter said, he gets TWO baskets...the one at his grave and the one in our home.  Not sure if "lucky" is the word I would use but through a 6-year old eyes, I guess that that word works.  

On Saturday we had my brother's family and my parents come over to do our traditional egg dying and decorating some yummy Easter cookies.  As we were almost through dying the eggs...Tay spilled the BRIGHT blue dye on the carpet...it wouldn't be a holiday at our house without spilling something.  The spills continued throughout the day...which we all followed by laughing, I have the messiest kids and I LOVE THEM.  We also had a BBQ dinner with everyone, my brother is only in town for the next week or so and it was nice to be able to spend time with him and his family.

Easter Morning the kid's woke up at 5am!!!  Jed and I weren't about to get up that early but they came and asked us every 5 minutes if it was time...so we got up!  We always take turns finding the Easter Baskets...starting with the little one first.  They were so excited and surprisingly enough I didn't go OVER BOARD on their baskets this year AND they didn't even notice.  Bray of course ate most of her candy within 5 minutes.  Zee had everything opened and spread across the floor.  Tay gathered up her candy and hide it in her room (smart girl!) and Addie...so excited with each toy that she squealed in delight seeing every single toy in her basket.  We then found all the eggs in the basement that the "Easter Bunny" hid. 

We went over to Beckett's grave to visit with him and I wanted to have the kids sing the Easter song they were going to be singing in church later.  They forgot most of the words...I was frustrated...everyone else was laughing...I'm sure Beckett was shaking his head at me telling me to RELAX :)  I just wanted everything perfect for him.

After we left the grave we headed over to my parents house for our traditional Easter pictures and egg hunting.  Jed hid the eggs this year and I think he forgot that he was hiding them for a bunch of kids under 8...you couldn't see ANY eggs, which was frustrating for Addie and Bray.  But they all had a great time and loved running around their Grandparents yard with their cousins.

All ready for Easter Sunday at church.  The 3 older kid's sang with the choir and did a great job.  Each one made sure they were looking at us and singing...LOUD :)  After church everyone gathered at our house (since my parents house is still under construction) and we had out Easter Dinner!  Overall, it was a great day with lots of family time.  There were a couple bumps in the road...I hate having holidays without Beckett here...but he was definitely thought about the whole day.

Easter Pictures

Happy List #2

1.  Our family went out this week and got Bee's grave all decorated for Easter.  It makes me so happy to just LOOK at his tree!  Having my parents there to help as well makes it more joyful.  The kid's run around laughing and talking in the the background.  It is so peaceful.  I have to admit that I was super sad taking down his birthday decor, that means his day IS over...

2.  Healing with Horses Program makes my children HAPPY.  They get to go a learn about taking care of these animals and be around other children who have lost someone close to them.  They always come home in a WONDERFUL mood...which of course makes me HAPPY!

3.  Mr. Zee had his 2nd grade music program.  I get so excited to watch my kids perform.  He LOVES, loves to sing and has a beautiful voice.  My mom came with Addie and me and we got to watch him sing and play instruments.  Singing...or Music IS his talent!  He is the SMILING one in the RED :)

5.  I FINALLY found a Take Home Outfit for the baby...been looking EVERYWHERE and nothing has popped out...decided to look on Etsy, haven't really ever bought much on there but I saw this outfit and LOVED it.  It arrived in the mail this week and it looked better than the picture, PLUS it was teeny tiny which is perfect because I have small babies :)

6.  Crafting has made me happy this week...or maybe distracted.  I am NOT a sower and my skills are REALLY beginner.  I saw something (I'll post about it IF I ever finish it) on a blog and thought it was SO neat and seemed fairly easy.  Of course...not that easy for me.  Jed has been helping, but dragging his feet the whole time :) and it is slowly coming together.  This project has definitely made me think about other things this week and that is GOOD!

7.  Hair Cuts - My girls all got their hair cut (except Addie because she can't help but cut/pull out her own hair every few weeks)...not much but VERY needed.  They look so cute and ready for Easter.  My girls really enjoy being pampered and to them this was SPECIAL.  They are so excited to go to the salon and be BIG girls...again, when my kids are happy...SO AM I! 

What are you Happy about this week?

Girl Scouts - Disney Princess on Ice

Tay's Girl Scout troop got to use some of their cookie money to attend the Disney Princess on Ice.  It was so much fun to be there with her.  I rarely get a chance to go somewhere, like that, with ONE child.  She loved the attention.  It was a neat show and actually kept my attention :)  We tried to get a picture of the whole troop at the end but most left early because it was so LATE!

Still Too Hard

I really haven't look through the funeral pictures since right after it happen...and now I know why.  I got a little curious, I guess, and decide to look at them.  Luckily it was after the kids were in bed BUT Jed was still home.  I have a hard time crying...like that...in front of him.  I guess I am afraid that it will make it too hard on him to see me that way.  He always gives me enough space to let me work through whatever it is I need to feel, thankfully.  Of course once I start looking at them, I can't stop...I torture myself to go through them all...every single picture.  I guess it wouldn't be so hard if you couldn't see EVERY emotion on my face...and everyone else's.  It bring back ALL those feelings of heart ache, my life shattering before my eyes, and worst feeling of all...the knowing that I can't see or touch him anymore.  I didn't realize how MUCH I miss rubbing his little feet.  My mom told me that my hand never left his little foot, even when I was hugging someone.  I guess I just didn't want to let him go...just yet.  If I didn't have family there or funeral directors (making me "move" along) not sure I would have let go that day.  It is just crazy to me that pictures can bring up THIS much emotion...I am just so very sad today.

Timshel

A friend sent me this song a few weeks back and pointed out some of the lyrics that I have come to really believe in.

Death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

Besides the song being absolutely beautiful, I have taken some comfort in those lines.  I have felt like a completely different person since Beck's death.  I feel like I am not me.  I have definitely lost my "innocence" with death.  I probably lived in a big bubble before...thinking something like this could never, ever happen to me.  It only happens in the movies.

I remember when I was pregnant with Beckett and telling Jed that all I had to do was get him here (born) alive and the rest would be easy.  I knew that I would be watching him and if I was watching...nothing could ever happen to him, especially with my baby whom I was so overprotective with.  

Now that I am pregnant again I don't feel safe.  I feel like he is safer on the inside.  I did everything I could possibly do to keep Mr. Bee safe and yet here we are...my innocence has been taken.  

The other day we were listening to this song and Zee was singing along.  He then asks me about those particular lyrics.  So I try and explain that death takes away our childlike view of the world but it doesn't take away the core part of ourselves, who we are.  Then I tried to tell him it can change us but doesn't change who we actually are...feeling like I was not making since to him (and talking in circles), he begins to say:

"Oh, like if my friend's brother dies...I would be able to help him because I know what he would be feeling."

Exactly.

Just because we go through something hard...may change how we view things, handle things...we are who we are....but better.  Hearing him say those words made me realize that something good has come from Beckett's death...Empathy.  As Zee continues to work through his feelings and I know that this WILL make him a better person of who he already was.  My children are not Innocent anymore, and that really sucks, but they can now be more EMPATHIC to others and that truly is a gift.  I love Zee so much and he will probably never know how much he helps me...he is a special child.   

I have realized that I am still me...but a little bit different.  

THANKS LAURA!!

Happy List #1

Another mommy had a challenge for other grieving mothers to make a Happy List every Saturday, found here.  I thought it was a great idea.  Someone gave me the idea a few months back that I should have a gratitude journal, which I started but to be honest haven't wrote in since January.  I blog more than I write in a journal, so this being the same thing as a journal, I am taking the challenge.  I found that when I wrote in my gratitude journal that I was more happy...it outlined all of the GREAT things that were still happening to me or my family...without that journal I was only thinking of the negative things that were effecting my life, losing Beckett as #1.  It made me realize how much my Heavenly Father loves me, he was still blessing my family.

So here goes:

1.  Had a 3D Ultrasound on Friday.  It went great.  He was still a BIG he :)  He was measuring right on time.  They checked out his measurements, my placenta, my uterus, etc. to see what my chances were of having Pre-E again, they determined that my chances were low (that is what they told me with Beckett as well).  During the ultrasound, my mom and I, were trying to figure out WHO this baby looks like...so we were mentioning all of my kids names and talking about them...I figured that this office, a high risk prenatal office, didn't know about Beckett.  I didn't see a reason why I needed to bring it up, so I didn't.  Well, after we were done, the nurse walks over and gives me a big hug, asks to look at my necklace (which is a picture of Beckett) and tells me how sorry she is...of course, I teared up but the fact that she did this gesture was amazing.  The little things people say or do I am so grateful for. 

2.  With Jed's new work schedule...graveyard shift :( I didn't think I would EVER be saying this BUT I am so happy!  He has been home SO much more lately.  Even though he sleeps during the morning and early afternoon and obviously isn't home during the night...he is with the family so much more crazy enough.  He has been a great help to me this past week...he went with Zeke on his field trip to the Butterfly Pavilion and he took the kids to and from school Monday - Thursday.  He has been cleaning the kitchen every evening (LOVE this!).  I haven't been feeling to well and having him help me out has been wonderful!  I am sure he is ready for me to have this baby...I tend to get lazy :) when I am PG...which means he makes up the slack.  Poor guy!  Don't I have the BEST husband in the WORLD!!?? 

3.  I have many good friends...and a few best friends but I have made an ETERNAL friend with a woman that I have known for 15+ years and is quite a few years older than.  What do we have in common?  She lost her son about 15 years ago.  She consistently calls to check on me and comes over to just talk.  We have the best conversations.  Obviously being at different points in our grief, she is able to help me.  She lets me know things that she has learned throughout these years without her son.  I am so glad that she is in my life and able to share her experiences with me so openly.  She came over this week to check on me since we just passed Beck's 1st birthday.  It is so nice to be able to express my feelings with someone and KNOW they completely understand my weird thinking and logic.  She also had a subsequent child, rather quickly, after her son's death, so she is able to talk me through my fears of this new, unexpected baby.  I am so happy to have wonderful people in my life. 

4.  Having my brother in town this week has made me so happy.  He was able to visit Beckett's grave.  Play with the kids, Addie especially loved playing her Uncle.  He is always fun to talk with and understands the craziness of our family.  Love ya Bro!

5.  So happy that I was able to bring my mom dinner this week.  She had shoulder surgery on Monday and I was able to do something nice for her.  With everything that my mom has done for me and my family these past few months it was nice to be able to pay it forward.  She rushed into surgery this week so that she will be able to help when the new baby comes...oh yea, and hold him :)  Love you Mom! 

 

Looking at the top 5 "Happy" things that stuck out in my mind this week...how can I not be happy?  I am slowly starting to realize everything else I have in my life...and it is good.  I can still miss my sweet boy...still have horribly hard days...but know that I am still being blessed and watched over.