Not sure I should post this but...I need to remember these feelings - for myself, maybe for my children to read in the future when they are having a trial in life...maybe I shouldn't share these feelings but I just need to get it out.
I have never felt so alone. I have had to learn how to survive on my own. I have had to learn lessons that I wish I didn't. I feel deserted. By almost everyone in my life at one moment or another (metaphorically speaking)...no one truly understands what I go through on a daily basis - even Jed. It is so easy for "them" to give me answers when most of the time I don't even know what my questions are - I get that people just want me to feel better, be happy.
Prayer has been a struggle for me lately. I admit it. I hate how that is how I feel. When I say alone...deserted...I feel it the most from the Savior at this point. Where was he when I was pleading for my son's life? Where was he all the times I have begged for some understanding, acceptance... why do I feel such loneliness? Maybe I am not hearing what I need to hear? I just feel like at this point in my life...doesn't matter what I am praying for - I don't feel heard.
Ask. I guess I don't
know what I need to be asking because what I do ask for...doesn't
happen. Am I asking for realistic things - no. Can't help what my
heart wants. I guess I will be in this "place" until I can accept that
Beckett isn't coming back. How come in a year and a half my mind -
heart - can't accept it? I have been asking for the same thing night after night...why can't I move on from this point in my grief?
I can't do this anymore. Why am I being tortured?
My life isn't perfect. Not even close. No one would be raising their hand to trade lives with me - nope! I wanted that perfect life. I now have to settled with what I have...a life without one of my precious children...I hate this. I so desperately want to be happy. Happy in a way that I can function without Beckett here...and be OK with that. I guess I need to ask for happiness instead of bringing back my son?
Talking with my sister this past weekend she told me that she has felt the same way to an extent. But her wise words: I will get to a point where I will need him. Some moments I feel like I am standing in the middle of a field...striped down...so vulnerable...screaming for help. I need to continue to ask...until.
Maybe. Eventually I will get there. Where I will feel some peace. I will be able to look back and cherish 4 months instead of this awful heart ache for the 18+ months. I hope I feel it soon.
I miss my baby.
17 comments:
Tight hugs sweetie. ♥ xxx
Kaylene Aley
xx
Kristi Paschke
Thinking of you. Tara and I were at the walk meeting tonight and said we hadn't talked to you lately and we needed to do that. Maybe we should meet up for lunch or something. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. Love and hugs to you.
I have no words .,. Only tears no great sayings only hugs.
Alicia Lifeisgood Woods
I am bawling my eyes out. I want that perfect life too. I hate being "that person whose baby died" I hate that we are those people. I hate that Beck isn't here and your life isn't perfect. It is so unfair and even though we know that life isn't fair it is a lot easier to say than to accept. Especially when it seems other peoples lives are fair. I knew I'd have trials but never this...couldn't I have had something a little easier? Easier than never ending aching? Hugs!
thinking of you deeply...
Oh Ashley! It just breaks my heart to know that you're hurting. :( I know this won't take away your pain, and I hesitate to even post it; but this is a really good talk. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/but-if-not?lang=eng There is also another good one from Howard W. Hunter entitled, "Master, the Tempest Is Raging." I know that you are still in the middle of your "tempest" and I pray that the winds will calm and you will begin to feel the peace that you need and so deserve. I'm sure Beckett wants you to feel it to. {{{Hugs}}}
My heart breaks for you. This life we've been given is not fair at all. Praying extra hard for you!!!
BIG (((HUGS)))
Thinking of you!! You are not alone; you are connected to every other human, who may have different stories to tell, but experience similar feelings. Nobody has this perfect life you speak of, even those who appear to. *HUGS*.
Diane Richardson
I'm so sorry. I hope you feel that peace and acceptance someday. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Love ya.
Deb Losee Cannon
((hugs)) i understand. i wonder if i will ever get to the point where i am more thankful rather than angry too. missing our boys together.
Hugs, love, and prayers for you now and always.
It is lonely. Very lonely, no matter how many people are around you. Accepting is hard, I still haven't accepted my new life yet. Who wants to accept having an aching heart for the rest of their life? I think of you and Beck often. I will pray for you until you feel like you can.
Oh hunny I feel the same way. When my best friend kept saying she doesn't know how I feel but wants to help, I tried my best to put it in to words. I told her I felt like I was on a planet alone. That all my happiness had been ripped from me and no matter how many people are around I am standing all alone. I want to tell you that you are not alone though. I am here with you going through the same thing. I wish we lived closer and could let out our grief together. I understand questioning your faith. My mother and I have questioned ours. I remember my grandmother said something about asking God something while we were at Gavin's grave one day. My mom snapped back "Why would I ask him anything? Where was he while we plead for Gavin to pull through? While my daughter screamed and cried for him to not take her baby?" I am at the same point as you almost two years and I feel exactly as you described. My only hope is that some day we can come to a place where we can find some peace within ourselves. My great great aunt who had a son that passed at the same age as Gavin told me she never forgot about him, or has felt complete since but at some point was able to find some happiness out of life again. I pray we both get there too. Sending you tons of love xoxox
Ashley,
Like so many others I can sympathize with you on this.
*I HOPE this is okay, I mean well*
Everyone at some point will question their faith when something tragic happens. Stick to your faith b/c it will help you get through this and remember that God is loving and did NOT do this to you. He CAN sympathize with you too- he gave up his son for us, it was TEMPORARY but so is your loss.
Something that helps me is to pray for courage and strength to move forward. I don't ask to forget TanaLee or anything like that. The scriptures help a lot. They say that God is a God of comfort and mercy. We can get this by delving ourselves into the scriptures and asking to draw close to God. We are sheep without a shepherd if we don't allow his word to guide and comfort us. Our babies are in the safest place, we will one day see them again. If you would like I can send you a list of scriptures I find help comfort me. otherwise I am thinking of you and hope that soon you can draw comfort from somewhere in your life. Hugs-
Felicia
As Ashley's Mother, I've never found the right...or correct words to say to my daughter with the loss of Beckett, or words that could comfort her. How can I? I don't think unless you've loss a child that you would understand what Ashley's going through. I'm SO, SO grateful for her "network of friends" that "can" understand what she's going through because you all have been in that heartbreak place. My grief is a Grandmother's grief and my sadness for my daughter and her family. As a Mother I want to make it all better and want her to be happy again. My intentions are good....just have to pray that Ashley will someday understand and accept what she's been dealt and know that she was never alone and that our Heavenly Father haven't left her.
I just want to say that "Felicia's words" were so beautifully written and could not have been said any better! Thank you again for being there (all of you!) for Ashley in her darkest moments. I think it does her good to write her feelings. I'm grateful that she can do that, because I think it's good to get those feelings out. In talking to her about this...she said that today's "blogs" are really journals. When I read her blog postings...it gives me an insight to what a Mother goes through with a loss of a child. I feel those feelings and my heart breaks for her and I have more understanding of what's inside her heart.
I have NO doubt that she will see & be with Beckett again...my faith is strong and I hope & wish that she will get to that place someday. I believe that Beckett is around us and watching over us. I think Ashley is a special mother and I'm so proud of her & Jed and their sweet, beautiful children!
Love YOU Ashley! Love, MOM
Oh ashley I cry as I read this. I totally get it and it hurts I'm so sorry you know this hurt. I cry as I read this knowing rught where you are. I have these same thoughts all the time. I'm here if you want to chat. Praying for you and hoping you feel some peace and beckett near. Giabt bear hugs!!
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