4 Long Year...but 4 Wonderful Months

Today is his day...Beckett's birthday.  I thought I would be having another break down and I am not.  Does that mean I am healing?  I guess somewhat.  Or maybe I am just better at hiding or pushing away the pain.  

I can definitely see a difference this year...last year on March 1 I was a mess.  I remember talking to someone and they mentioned that it was March 1st and I started crying hysterically because it meant I was so close to his day and I wasn't able to deal with it.  This year...I have been fine for the most part BUT once April 1st happened I have just been sad.  Disconnected.  From everyone and life.  It is easier for me to avoid what was coming up so fast.  It was easy until today.  I miss my baby.  Realizing that I have missed 4 years is hard to swallow and to think that I have many, many more birthdays to go through without him.  

Even though I am definitely handling this birthday MUCH better than the last 3 years the pain is still there.  I see him in my mind all the time.  The other day a memory came back to me about the the weekend before he died.  It was Tatum's turn to go pick out her new school supplies for Kindergarten and we took Beckett with us.  I remember looking in my rear view mirror smiling at Tatum as she sat by Beckett.  I remember pushing him around in the cart at Target as Tatum picked out her supplies.  That memory has been so vivid lately.  Not such an exciting or "wow-ed" moment BUT it is another small memory that I have of my sweet baby.  

I so badly want to know what he would be like right now.  I can't even imagine it because I feel like I wouldn't imagine him right.  I want to hear his voice...see his smile.  

So I am going to go watch his videos...and I know I amgoing to cry uncontrollably but I need to see him.  I haven't watched his videos in 2 years.  Terrible I know.  I just couldn't handle it.  It was painfully hard.  I couldn't keep doing it to myself to watch his videos because I would spend days after in denial that he was gone and begging for him back.  

I think I am now ready to watch him.  Not that I wont be a complete mess but I feel like I just need to...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. BOO

Dear My Sweet Boy,

Another year gone.  Time is flying by and I still can't believe that you blessed our life 4 years ago.  I wish things would have been different and you would be here...to see what our family would be like not having to go through losing you.  It has left a big empty space that we all try to fill in some way but of course it wont ever be fully filled or healed until we are with you again.  

We haven't gone to your grave in a long time.  I just can't go anymore.  It makes me sad, it makes reality real.  I finally came to the acceptance that you didn't care if we visited your grave or not.  The fact that I think about you every second of every day...that I still talk about you consistently with everyone...hold your blanket that your baby brother uses to see if I could maybe smell you (knowing that I wont) and sharing your memory with strangers is all that matters.  

You will always be such a HUGE part of our family.  Your memory lives on through each one of us.  Tatum shared your life with her class a few weeks ago and was so proud to tell them about you and show them pictures.  4 years later and it is like you were here yesterday.  I know it will always stay that way, we will always remember.

Today as we let your balloons go know that if we could bring them to you ourselves we would.  We would all give ANYTHING to have you back.

Love,

Mommy